Triviality and a pendulum

Something I realized is that every time I come up with some kind of idea of something, usually within a couple days, or weeks or whatever, I come up with something else that negates that very idea.

I suppose that it has to do with the idea that humans (to me) are like pendulums. They swing back and forth between the idea of who they are and who they don't want to be. Some people fluctuate a lot, like most children, teenagers and me, and then there are those who don't, like adults and responsible people. The pendulum idea could work for anything, I think - ideas, people's beliefs, daily habits, state of mind, etc. (e.g. the whole idea that people go through cycles of depression and happiness).

At any rate, lately, I've just been really critical of America. It's reverse culture shock, but I still can't help feeling that there are so many things that are just wrong here. I suppose I should just accept it, but it's hard to do when you see it. It's funny though because I don't see a way to fix it and I can't think of any solutions. Basically I feel like I'm pointing out a problem to which there is no easy solution. I suppose I could think about it and try to take into account all the factors, but in the end, it comes down to the way people think and that's something that won't change very easily, especially when one wants to try to affect change in society. It took 50 years for Britain to do anything about Ireland after Jonathan Swift wrote A Modest Proposal. It makes me think that even if people complain or point things out, bring about awareness, things won't change. I suppose one could still try.

So. Triviality. I think our generation, and perhaps it's more prevalent in the younger generations is the fact that everything is trivialized or over-simplified. We don't think of the hardship or difficulty in things. When things become difficult or when we have to work hard, it is something that doesn't come as easily. That's why I feel like we see so many unmotivated students and kids. Why, when we have free time, we do nothing or "waste" time. People haven't found that balance and I don't think we realize that things are hard, things take work and that we need to slow down and balance the time between what we need to be doing and what we need to do to relax. Eh, it's kind of half-baked right now though (this thought). I suppose what I'm getting at though, is that I think it's problematic that some things are made to seem so simple or that someone's efforts are brushed away with "oh that's easy" or simply by being able to see how something is done, people think they can do it. It isn't that easy and to get good at something takes time.

Man, it's something that I'm having difficulty with though. I really can't sit at a desk all day. X.x Today was such a useless day.

Phobias and Mental Illnesses

If I were to characterize myself using various mental illnesses and phobias, I'd have the mental illnesses/phobias below:

Agoraphobia - I hate crowds and being in crowded places. They make me nervous sometimes.

Acrophobia - But I always say I have a slight fear of heights because I imagine myself jumping off and magically flying (or landing like a ninja), both of which I know logically to be untrue. So then knowing the real consequence and having to suppress the illogical desire to jump is where the "fear" comes from.

Narcolepsy - I can sleep anywhere, anytime. :D Though this is changing slightly. They say it changes with age. I say it changes because there's more to worry and think about - age just happens to be closely correlated with how busy one gets, thus affect how much one thinks.

OCD - I mean it in the everyday fake definition, not the clinical definition. Where basically people have this desire to be "overly" clean (depending on who you're talking to, that "overly" may be the norm for them). I'm probably one of the dirtiest/messiest people I know but in my head, I prefer things to be much cleaner than most people. I don't like watching other people clean because they'll miss a spot (it'll be a tiny corner somewhere) or they'll miss a piece of dust.and it'll bother me. So I give up. But if I started, there'd be no end. That's why I hate cleaning. It's just too time-consuming (so I've been trying to learn to break it down and do it smaller parts, so at least I'm getting something clean).

Germaphobia - I guess this kind of goes with the clean thing. I realize that I'm starting to have slight issues with people sharing drinks with me. In the end, I don't really care, but it's honestly kind of really gross. Again, I just let it go but it does kind of bother me. O.o

ADD - to be differentiated from AD/HD, which I don't think I have characteristics of. I actually do think I have a moderate case of this, simply because I realized I have difficulty following conversations in large groups (I always thought it had to do with being bored/un-engaged) and I have a really hard time doing things that I find boring or uninteresting (apparently it's a symptom of ADD - but it has to be to an extreme). I'm restless, impulsive, have excess energy if I don't exercise and I think the obvious one is that I have difficulty focusing but I can hyperfocus at times. I think one of the other indicators that I found surprising was having difficulty recalling conversations... I thought perhaps it was something to do with the fact that although I can be detail-oriented, I'm actually more of a big picture person... And another one was being unable to filter or stop one's thoughts. I suppose I don't have a problem when going to sleep, but I do understand the thought-overflow thing. That's why I write. Meh. I mean normally I'd brush it off but since I display like 80% of the symptoms, I've started to wonder about this one. ^^;; haha

Obviously I don't actually think I have any of these phobias or mental illnesses (though really, with ADD, I'm half-seriously thinking of getting it checked out - but I looked at treatments outside of drugs, and it's all the same "get organized, focus, stop bitching and get your shit done." So yeah. I think that's what it is.

Success or Death?

Oh how life's little decisions can be expanded to seem to mean something so much more. It's like how people place value or emphasis on the details in life, when sometimes, those things just don't matter.

Success? Death? Sounds like a fatalistic attempt at greatness - a do-or-die attitude, when all it is, is a contemplation on which theme to choose for an essay.