Jazz

Jazz for me is like water. It trickles into the ears, facilitating thought.

In my caffeine-addled brain, it makes me think of humanity and the human condition. Why do we fight reality with such vigor? The facts are there but we interpret them in hundreds of different ways and many times, it's just one or another. There could be subtext, regardless of whether or not it was meant to have any subtext. All these facets exist, yet we choose to take one angle of it.

If you take a cone and slice it vertically, the cross-section will be a triangle. If you slice it horizontally, it'll be a circle. Reality is dynamic and contains more than just two slices, yet we choose to look at it in one, two maybe three ways, but that's it. We shape reality based on these angles and forget or disregard others because it doesn't fit into the equation.

That's why we have eras and then the following era overturns that very thinking. We are in the era of irony and cynicism and what comes from that? Hope and a yearning for the pure, the innocence of the past. We are the generation that clings to the past, thinking that it was somehow better than now, when all it is, is reality hitting us in the face. It's always been there, we've just never seen it.

From a generation that's seen the subversion of authority, of violence and hatred rises a generation that acknowledges the hope and the goodness in people. Random acts of kindness come from that.

I think New York has got it right in many ways. It's viewed as somewhat of a sad existence, but the initial guardedness, yet the helpfulness (that is given as if it's an obvious thing to do) of its denizens is the active acceptance of reality for what it is. There are millions of different people out there, thinking millions of derivations of the same thoughts and we try to only accept what we agree with. New Yorkers (for the most part) see it, condemn what they condemn and accept what they accept. Of course I'm over-generalizing but I feel that this is a kind of truth that I've gleaned from the whopping 11 months I lived there.

Anyway, too much caffeine and too many papers to write make me think of such things.

Sleep Deprivation

After a certain point, my brain stops working.

Any sort of good judgement is absent from my reasoning. "Oh, I have two finals tomorrow?  Let's play Tetris Battle for an hour."

Yet I persist.

Now it's 4am and I have yet to find my quotes for my paper tomorrow.

Maybe I should just give up and go to sleep. Hm.

AH! But this is the last final!

But I feel like I will be okay.

Oh well, I'll continue to work on my paper that was due a week ago. -_-;;

*tsssss* (my brain is fried)

One more day.

To think or to live?

My sister mentioned this and I think there's validity in what she's saying - in that I think too much about things. It's true - there are a lot of implications in our actions and I think that by trying to act deliberately in all that I do, I end up being unable to act at all.

Perhaps that's why I hate tedium so much. It bores the hell out of me too, but perhaps it's because I try to overthink something that is a lot simpler than I make it to be.

As for thinking and living - I feel that it's one or the other. In doing an action, one must not think of the action they are doing (try to think about where your feet are going when you go down steps... you'll feel like you're going to fall - at least more than when you don't think about how your feet are walking down those steps...). Then conversely, when thinking, it becomes more difficult to act because one is busy thinking about the action that is about to take place or an action that took place. Then how do we find a happy medium?

Eh. I dunno, I have issues with this but I hope that I find an answer because it's making me ridiculously unproductive. -_-;;

Oh the incessant rhythms of time, why must you beat on so

Yes, I'm being overly dramatic. It's kind of fun when it's meant ironically. It makes me think of the following picture:

I do feel like the child but it doesn't take away from the fact that it's painful.

Deadlines shouldn't represent a bondage to time but in my inability to keep them, I become a slave to the very thing I'm trying to escape.

I'm pretty sure I talked about it before so it's kind of boring but every single time the reality of it hits me again, it's another slap in the face and I remind myself again, that next time, I won't procrastinate, that it won't happen again.

Yet it does. *sigh*~ Oh, when will I ever learn? Such revelations hopefully lead to some kind of self-realization and then to some kind of change, right?

The important thing is progress and I think I've made some progress. Thankfully I'm making these stupid mistakes at a community college, rather than in grad school, where my grades and overall success matter a little more.

What I'm excited for during break is not the fact that I'll be free from all this work, but that I'll be able to slow down and enjoy the works that I couldn't give the proper time of day during my studies. I think I've found my niche. :)

Triviality and a pendulum

Something I realized is that every time I come up with some kind of idea of something, usually within a couple days, or weeks or whatever, I come up with something else that negates that very idea.

I suppose that it has to do with the idea that humans (to me) are like pendulums. They swing back and forth between the idea of who they are and who they don't want to be. Some people fluctuate a lot, like most children, teenagers and me, and then there are those who don't, like adults and responsible people. The pendulum idea could work for anything, I think - ideas, people's beliefs, daily habits, state of mind, etc. (e.g. the whole idea that people go through cycles of depression and happiness).

At any rate, lately, I've just been really critical of America. It's reverse culture shock, but I still can't help feeling that there are so many things that are just wrong here. I suppose I should just accept it, but it's hard to do when you see it. It's funny though because I don't see a way to fix it and I can't think of any solutions. Basically I feel like I'm pointing out a problem to which there is no easy solution. I suppose I could think about it and try to take into account all the factors, but in the end, it comes down to the way people think and that's something that won't change very easily, especially when one wants to try to affect change in society. It took 50 years for Britain to do anything about Ireland after Jonathan Swift wrote A Modest Proposal. It makes me think that even if people complain or point things out, bring about awareness, things won't change. I suppose one could still try.

So. Triviality. I think our generation, and perhaps it's more prevalent in the younger generations is the fact that everything is trivialized or over-simplified. We don't think of the hardship or difficulty in things. When things become difficult or when we have to work hard, it is something that doesn't come as easily. That's why I feel like we see so many unmotivated students and kids. Why, when we have free time, we do nothing or "waste" time. People haven't found that balance and I don't think we realize that things are hard, things take work and that we need to slow down and balance the time between what we need to be doing and what we need to do to relax. Eh, it's kind of half-baked right now though (this thought). I suppose what I'm getting at though, is that I think it's problematic that some things are made to seem so simple or that someone's efforts are brushed away with "oh that's easy" or simply by being able to see how something is done, people think they can do it. It isn't that easy and to get good at something takes time.

Man, it's something that I'm having difficulty with though. I really can't sit at a desk all day. X.x Today was such a useless day.

Phobias and Mental Illnesses

If I were to characterize myself using various mental illnesses and phobias, I'd have the mental illnesses/phobias below:

Agoraphobia - I hate crowds and being in crowded places. They make me nervous sometimes.

Acrophobia - But I always say I have a slight fear of heights because I imagine myself jumping off and magically flying (or landing like a ninja), both of which I know logically to be untrue. So then knowing the real consequence and having to suppress the illogical desire to jump is where the "fear" comes from.

Narcolepsy - I can sleep anywhere, anytime. :D Though this is changing slightly. They say it changes with age. I say it changes because there's more to worry and think about - age just happens to be closely correlated with how busy one gets, thus affect how much one thinks.

OCD - I mean it in the everyday fake definition, not the clinical definition. Where basically people have this desire to be "overly" clean (depending on who you're talking to, that "overly" may be the norm for them). I'm probably one of the dirtiest/messiest people I know but in my head, I prefer things to be much cleaner than most people. I don't like watching other people clean because they'll miss a spot (it'll be a tiny corner somewhere) or they'll miss a piece of dust.and it'll bother me. So I give up. But if I started, there'd be no end. That's why I hate cleaning. It's just too time-consuming (so I've been trying to learn to break it down and do it smaller parts, so at least I'm getting something clean).

Germaphobia - I guess this kind of goes with the clean thing. I realize that I'm starting to have slight issues with people sharing drinks with me. In the end, I don't really care, but it's honestly kind of really gross. Again, I just let it go but it does kind of bother me. O.o

ADD - to be differentiated from AD/HD, which I don't think I have characteristics of. I actually do think I have a moderate case of this, simply because I realized I have difficulty following conversations in large groups (I always thought it had to do with being bored/un-engaged) and I have a really hard time doing things that I find boring or uninteresting (apparently it's a symptom of ADD - but it has to be to an extreme). I'm restless, impulsive, have excess energy if I don't exercise and I think the obvious one is that I have difficulty focusing but I can hyperfocus at times. I think one of the other indicators that I found surprising was having difficulty recalling conversations... I thought perhaps it was something to do with the fact that although I can be detail-oriented, I'm actually more of a big picture person... And another one was being unable to filter or stop one's thoughts. I suppose I don't have a problem when going to sleep, but I do understand the thought-overflow thing. That's why I write. Meh. I mean normally I'd brush it off but since I display like 80% of the symptoms, I've started to wonder about this one. ^^;; haha

Obviously I don't actually think I have any of these phobias or mental illnesses (though really, with ADD, I'm half-seriously thinking of getting it checked out - but I looked at treatments outside of drugs, and it's all the same "get organized, focus, stop bitching and get your shit done." So yeah. I think that's what it is.

Success or Death?

Oh how life's little decisions can be expanded to seem to mean something so much more. It's like how people place value or emphasis on the details in life, when sometimes, those things just don't matter.

Success? Death? Sounds like a fatalistic attempt at greatness - a do-or-die attitude, when all it is, is a contemplation on which theme to choose for an essay.

Sweets

The idea of sweets always appeals to me more than the actual consumption of them. I think this is a prime example of how easily affected by media I am. When I think of chocolate, particularly dark chocolate (my preferred type of chocolate), I think of that initial bite - the burst of flavor, the smooth texture and way it coats my tongue with bittersweet flavor and the decadence that I associate with it and it makes me want to buy the dang thing.

When I do buy it, the reality is, I take like two bites, shudder in disgust of the cloying sweetness and put the bar of chocolate away until it either melts and becomes unappealing to eat, or gets really old and inedible.

I think part of it is psychological, but I don't like sweets anymore. I like the idea of sweets. I rather enjoy the idea of sweets. The decadence, the buttery, sugary goodness and the gratifying flavor that immediately seems to make the world a brighter, better and happier place. However, when I think of the actual consumption of such sweets and I think of what the butter and sugar will do to my arteries and blood sugar levels, not to mention my belly, butt and thighs, I just can't do it. It's so unhealthy. Bleah.

Stuck

What's really annoying about these essays I'm writing is that I can see the essays in my head - at least from an ideological standpoint. However, writing the dang thing is just so much harder.

It's like trying to run in sand or water. There's no fluidity and I keep going in circles, negating my arguments and overturning what I was going to say. It all sounds better in my head.

*sigh*~

Expectations

I think one of my greatest fears is disappointing someone.

I don't think it in the sense of someone who expects me to be a certain way and I completely end up being the complete opposite of what was expected. I get that a lot actually ("You're so different from what I imagined you to be like!" I never understood that. What do I look like I'm supposed to be?). This is pretty much in terms of my personality and who I come off as, I think. My image, or whatever you want to call it. In the end, I am who I am, and most of the time, I quite like who I am. The weird, quirky, capricious me. My personality, my very being does end up backfiring on me because I can be forgetful, not make connections that are supposed to be made ("When's your birthday again?") and I think it makes it seem like I don't care, but really, I don't care for the rules that tell us that we have to celebrate a person's existence or their awesomeness on a certain day. I do what I feel like. That's just who I am. I'm random. I like being random. That's also how I process life (in bunches, much like picking apples off a tree, rather than in any real logical order, as one would imagine picking apples off an assembly line).

However, I realized that I'm in many ways, very very much afraid of what people expect of me in terms of my skill or what I'm supposed to be good at. So if someone goes to me, "I heard you were really good at math," then it's pretty much guaranteed the next time I'm supposed to show off my math "skills" I will totally and utterly fail them. It's something about that expectation that makes me like freeze or something.

So I prefer it if no one expects anything from me. I'd rather people think me to be idiotic, blind and able to do nothing than have to worry about meeting the expectations people have of me. I suppose it stems from my fear of failure (because I'd be failing to meet those people's expectations) and I think everyone feels that to a certain extent, I just take it to another level. It definitely affects my confidence.

It's an unfortunate vice because I belittle everything I do, yet somewhere in the back of my head, I think I'm right (but then I realize that I can be wrong and what I said could be overturned) so it's this weird duality that doesn't quite seem to reconcile itself. I think that from this stems a lack of desire to be responsible because that means that I must meet someone's expectations to be responsible. :\ Hm.

I don't know. It's something that I need to work on. I am what I am. I am capable of what I am capable of - nothing more, nothing less.

I wonder if that's why I like pursuing music and art - there's no pressure in it because I know I suck and it's established that I suck so no one (including me) expects anything of me.

I suppose it also has to do with working under pressure. I need to work on that too. So it goes.

Is this what being an adult is all about?

The unfortunate reality of adulthood is that friends are never as close as you want them to be.

With some people, they are blessed to be surrounded by those they love, working the job that they're happy with.

I think that it's just one of those things. People pursue what they want. They don't think about what they're surrounding themselves with or what they aren't surrounding themselves with. Friends, family and the general environment are factors that are only secondary to career.

I mean is this an absolute truth? No. It isn't. However, it makes me wonder how prevalent such thinking really is. So many people move for their careers, and the successful ones will tell you it's the "best decision they ever made" because look at them now. They're living the good life.

I wonder though, why does success have to be based on how much money you make? That's what it really is, isn't it? How much money, how much prestige you can buy, how good your reputation is, how famous you are.

Is that really what life's all about?

Is that what society is telling us should be the main focus in life?

To preach otherwise is to deny the true facts of life. "Follow what you love." Bullshit, look at where it got us. We're the generation that thinks that we're somehow entitled to happiness because we followed our passions and we worked hard for it. Reality is that you can work your butt off and nothing can come of it. If you're smart about it, you position yourself in a place where you can grow, and you're lucky enough to know people that'll help you along the way, maybe you'll be that person that lectures at the hopeful faces of the future who want to be just like you.

To go against these currents that told us what kind of life to lead would be to face the crushing judgement of others, who don't understand or aren't willing to understand that everyone around us has told us to live a certain way, to desire certain things and to want a certain lifestyle when if you really think about it, may not be the right or the best way for a person to live. So what if I want to become a traveling gypsy? Is there really anything wrong with that? What, a lack of stability? Why is that so bad? Okay, I know I'm setting myself up for a terrible argument with no solid evidence behind it, but I just think that the restrictions that we've placed upon ourselves because of what is considered socially acceptable is irritating and, well, confining. It's limiting. There's so much more to life, I feel.

Bleh. I just don't like that all my closest friends live so far away from me. These are the people that I can truly be me around. I'm not yet comfortable being me here. Stupid reverse-culture shock. Stupid America too, with all it's rebellion, subversion, and ignorance.

Oh, I just need to get over it. I'm sure I will recognize America for the great country it is as I had ironically felt when I wasn't here.

"It is useless to pretend..."

"It is useless to pretend that religion and tradition and honor always win the day." - G.B. Shaw


Of course, as with any quote taken out of context, the meaning seems to be much deeper than it really is. This particular quote makes it seem like the world is a horrid place to live in and that evil prevails.  Basically, the reason why this quote is so awesome is because Shaw is arguing that when the options women had if they wanted to be independent from men were to work their butts off in a factory (and risk getting poisoning) for pennies or to prostitute themselves for culture and far better pay, that "Capitalism [sic]" is setting women up to choose the obvious (if one takes out moral standards and the like). That's why he said the above quote. I just thought it was cool. Interesting man, this Shaw guy is.

Rant about the mundane and seemingly useless

I suppose this is a form of glorified complaining but I'm going to do it anyway (despite my half-hearted attempts at trying to reducing such drivel).

So I'm taking this American Literature class. It's pretty much early American Lit - from Puritan writings to I think Emily Dickenson and Walt Whitman (whatever era they're supposed to be).

There's a lot that could be gleaned from these writings, I'm sure. Have I gotten anything from this class? No.

What's the format of the class? You read the text. You answer these ridiculous, tedious, time-consuming but mind-numbing questions that simply confirm whether or not you understood the text, or what you think the significance of something is (What do you think the forest symbolizes in Hawthorne's Young Goodman Brown?).  These are the types of questions you give to middle-high school students to get them to think about the text. You can bullshit your way through these questions. And I mean the latter question is better. It at least requires some thought. However, there's no deeper analysis, no deeper thinking. There's no analytical slant (e.g. how would you look at the text from a feminist point of view? Marxist? Historical? And so on.). So from this point, you're like, well the questions may be tedious but they can't be that bad. They're to ensure that the students have read the text so that when the class discussion takes place using the questions as a starting point, the professor can ensure an engaging and in-depth discussion about the text. That would be so ideal.

Instead, what is it?

Professor: "So... From the homework, #1. 'Describe Anne Bradstreet's life.' What did the text say?"
Student 1: "Well, the book said [insert random facts from text]."
Professor: "Okay. Anyone has anything else to add to that? Okay! Number two...."

And so the class goes on. Where's the discussion?! -_- Answering questions about what the text is about, something that was painstakingly done at home, is simply regurgitated back in class. There's no point to the class.

I call the class uninspired. Everyone's bored. I could do a better job teaching the class. Once, I asked about how the text related to the author. "How religious was Hawthorne?" Professor's answer?

"What did your book say?"

What?! I mean okay, yes, this is a very large overview of American Literature and we live in an era where degrees are extremely specific so the professor may not know. However, if you're teaching the class, wouldn't you know a little more than whatever's in the freaking book? I mean really?

I suppose it's unfair of me to say that I expect the professor to do extra reading on what we're reading in class when he 's probably got a ton of other things going on - other classes to teach, papers to grade and all that. However! I keep getting the feeling he doesn't know anything more than we do - he only reads the texts as we read it (well a little earlier than we do since he has to post those extremely mundane and once again, uninspired questions on the readings). Otherwise, he has no idea what he's doing.

How irritating. He probably thinks I'm a slacker because I did well on the midterm but I don't always do the homework.

I'm not a slacker. Your class just sucks.

Hmph.

[edit]

In his defense, I do realize that I'm being really hard on him. It just annoys me because there are so many directions one can take the class, and he just barfs all over any kind of teaching methodology that would engage the students. And I just suck at doing things that are necessary but seem pointless to me.

[edit2] 10.30.2012

So today's class was considerably better. Seems like he knows a little something about Poe. Perhaps he doesn't want to be teaching this class but was forced into it. ^^ Well, things are getting better. I shall try to be less critical.

Glorified Complaining

Really it's just a bunch of excuses. Sit down, shut up and do it, right?

I recently saw a comic and I think it speaks to my inability to be productive.

Why is thinking so counterproductive sometimes?

Bleh. Sleepy.

Art

I used to think I had potential in art. I look back at some of my drawings from when I was 12 and I think to myself, that's not half bad. I look at my art now - anything recent I've done and I cringe.

I've decided that I suck at art. I don't mean it humbly like those people who go "I suck at art" because the tone of the tree bark they painted was slightly off. I mean I suck at art in the fullest and deepest aesthetic sense, where I look at my creations and go, ew. There's no balance, the colors are all off and the technique, well, given my background, is nonexistent.

Eh. In the end though, I think I'll still pursue it - not because I think I'm any good at it. I just like it. I like how it makes me feel when I'm doing it. I find it relaxing. Perhaps if I work at it long enough, it'll amount to something. I kind of secretly hope that, but honestly, I doubt it will.

Music I like

I think the best way to describe it is folksie indie.

I realize I (at least lately) like songs that are clean sounding. The melody, guitar, lyrics, bass, drums are distinguishable. Things like Postal Service and Mumford and Sons. There's this nostalgic melancholy to it that speaks of purer times. It's Romantic (and not in the sense of romantic that people think, but from the Romantic Era, when industrialization started to happen and the poets and writers started to look back to nature and to a time when things were less tainted and more beautiful).

I suppose that arguably things that are "tainted" can be beautiful. I think though, that if things pure and things beautiful are something of the past, we are definitely missing something in the present. And I mean pure and beautiful as separate things. There are things that can be beautiful and unpure, things that are pure and unbeautiful and so forth. I don't know perhaps I'm talking about them together. Lately all my thoughts have been a jumble. I wonder what that means. ADD? Schizophrenia? Insanity? Oh, psychology. Such an interesting study. Perhaps I've just been studying too much. My brain's completely fried.

At any rate, I suppose going back to music and Romanticism, it's true. I like songs that evoke the past. Of feelings, thoughts, experiences that are no longer new. The full enjoyment of life without a worry about the future or the consequences of one's actions.

I just want to be irresponsible again. It's a terrible thing, really.

That's what the music I listen to reminds me of, I think. It helps me think too but I think I'm going crazy. Though, in thinking so, I'm relieved at the proof that I'm not crazy.

아휴~~ 모르겠다. It's such a steep slope to get to where I want to be.

Art supplies

Y'know what I like about art supplies?

Art supplies, with its many colors and blank sheets of white or whatever other color, are pregnant with possibility. I suppose it's somewhat cliche, but cliche for a reason. Perhaps we subscribe to cliches because they define life in a way that resonates with all of us. Though with overuse it becomes hackneyed. Quite unfortunately so. I've been re-experiencing some of the simpler joys in life. Something I keep getting the feeling my generation has forgotten to do. It's weird.

At any rate, back to art supplies. I specifically mean implements used for drawing, coloring or painting, such as paints, pens, permanent markers, etc. Things that speak color. Or in my case, a bag full of those scissors that cut in different shapes. I suppose I can't call myself an artist though I like to think I am.

I like crafts. Perhaps I'm a craftsman?

Anyway, possibilities. It's a beautiful thing, though like writing can be intimidating by the sheer openness of it. I like that though.

In the mood

I have the be "in the mood" to do anything.

I have such difficulty understanding people how have the motivation to do the undesirable. It takes so much for me to get motivated to do something I don't want to do. And even then, sustained activity is rarely achieved.

Every time I'm analyzing or reading into something, I enjoy it. Yet, it takes so much for me to get to that point. It's like running almost. It seems like a chore when I think about it, but when I'm doing it, I usually enjoy it. It's always the getting there that's so difficult. I don't understand why that is.

I feel like I'm being so childish in thinking that way, but at this age, it makes me wonder if I really can change. Am I just giving up because age dictates that I can't change as easily?

I irritate myself at times.

Oh well, today's been a more productive day than most. I must try to sustain such productivity!

Ennui

Everyone is busy.

I should feel busy.

I keep busy but I don't feel busy nor do I feel my time to be filled up. It's an odd dichotomy because I feel like the days go by so quickly without me realizing the time. Yet when I think of the actual hours that I've filled doing who-knows-what, I realize how bored I am.

I suppose this is what being unproductive feels like but this stagnation feels like it isn't my own.

Again, there's that feeling of detachment that I feel is so prevalent in this generation. It isn't my stagnation but stopping from society. Everyone is moving but they aren't going anywhere. Is it the culture?

I need to stop being so influenced by my surroundings.

Writing essays

I wish essays would just flow out of my fingers onto the screen.

I can see the essay, the general structure and organization, but it's just so freaking hard for me to word the dang thing. There's flow to take into consideration, the general strategy in presenting my argument, then there's whether or not I'm actually making logical sense. Gaaah.

I feel like I put too much pressure on myself when I'm writing these essays. It sucks because I know my professors have higher expectations of me. They know that I already have a degree and that I'm supposed to know far more than I actually do. I see things in the literature that classmates are only beginning to see - I'm not tooting my own horn as much as simply stating a reality. I see these things because I've already been to college - that experience alone speaks for my ability to analyze at least a tiny bit better.

Gah. I've been stuck on and off this whole week. X.x

Public vs. private

It's interesting to see my writing - both in the "public" arena (i.e. my blogs) and the private arena (I have various journals and what not that I may or may not show to people... I'm still somewhat divided on that).

I think I'm a bit of a drama queen. Getting to be moreso with age. Not sure what it is (perhaps a heightened sensitivity towards people after realizing how different everyone operates?) but I've definitely changed. The carefree, happy-go-lucky, free-spiritedness is harder to bring out. It makes me wonder if it really was there or if it was contrived. Was that really me or was that me aspiring to be a "better" me so to speak?

I wish I could disregard such things but the unfortunate reality is that I'm self-conscious as heck. Eh. I'm slowly getting over it.

At any rate, going back to my "private" writing (it really isn't anything special - just me jotting down thoughts when I don't have an internet connection and sometimes, when I don't feel it all that important or interesting to share with others - or me just ranting about things I know are stupid that the public really doesn't need to see), it's considerably more... flowery. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I suppose because I know it's private, it's just a little more over the top. I wonder if that's what my true nature is and I just downplay it.

Perhaps it is. I'd rather it not. Get over yourself and move on with life. Many of the small things that one agonizes over is never worth it in the bigger scheme of things. Life is meant to be cherished in gratitude and joy. So easily said, yet embodied by few with great difficulty.

I suppose on the flip side, people need to know suffering to feel a greater depth and appreciation for the good things in life. But if you told that to someone who was suffering, he/she'd probably smack you. One always knows in retrospect, I suppose.

2 1/2 months

Feels like I'm swimming in a pool that's slowly drowning me.

Gaaaah. I suppose it makes sense because my workload has been increasing and now I've hit midterm season. There's so much to do, so much to take care of and yet I stop. I want the world to stop and perhaps that's the reason that I stop. I'm not sure what it is. I suppose it could be related to stress. Or it just is stress.

At times like this, I wish I had infinite energy, an insatiable amount of motivation and the time to match. I could do all the things that run through my head at once.

I suppose with responsibility, there comes that suppression of desire. "I want to do this, but I need to do that."

Why does that suck so much? Why can't "I want to do this" be just that? "I want to do this and I need to do it." I suppose that although that's what everyone seeks, a vast majority accept it as a reality that they cannot obtain.

I wonder if I'm being foolish in continuing to pursue that ideal.

Responsibility

I always wonder, with people who are really responsible, do they ever consider being irresponsible?

I wonder what prevents them from being irresponsible.

I've gotten away with a lot of things in my life and some things were things that I was supposed to take responsibility for and no, I didn't get off scott-free, but the consequences were much less severe than was expected.

I suppose it's somewhat obvious that people need to be responsible or else the world would probably be more chaotic. Though sometimes I wonder if chaos is such a bad thing. Why do those things have to be categorized as "good" or "bad"? I mean certain things are obviously good and obviously bad. Murder with intent is bad (though in war, that too becomes blurred, doesn't it?). Food is very obviously good (haha just kidding, that's a bad example).

Actually, what is obviously good? Is it sad that almost all things in this world can be twisted and made in one way or another bad?

That sux.

Anyway, responsibility is annoying. I'm being immature and I know it, but sometimes I question. What's the point? Rat race really does aptly describe the feeling I get when I think about adulthood and the responsibility that comes with being one.

Poetry

Poetry distills the essence of moments, I think.

When you're trying to capture exactly what happened, I think poetry is the best way to capture it. It might not make sense to other people but if you can capture the moment whether it has any beauty or whatever in it, then you've captured the moment in writing.

I think the most difficult part of it is that in order to do that, the poem must be revisited multiple times in different situations to ensure that the moment is properly captured. If it is able to evoke the same memory from these re-visitations, then it has been properly written.

And I think it should be beautifully written. I wonder if that's possible now. Has creativity run dry or have people just become lazy in trying to find different constructs to the same experiences everyone has gone through in life?

I like poetry. It's simple yet so deep.

Y'know what I like about being in school?

It brings out the thoughtfulness in me. The part of my brain that thinks interesting thoughts. I think that's why I want to be an academic. The stimulation of thought. It makes me more interesting. It makes my thoughts more interesting to me. I wonder if I become more interesting to others because of it. I hope so.

[edit] Oct. 3. 2012

Oh how quickly things change with midterms! I like how my attitude did a 180 when things started getting busy.

On a different note, with the whole creativity thing, I realized part of what it is, is resonances of the modern era (Hemingway among others). They simplified writing and then there were (still are, I think?) artistic movements with ideas like "form follows function" that I think really seeped into the writing. I mean there are obviously other factors that play into what writing and art has become today, but perhaps it is for this reason that we don't seek beauty solely for aesthetic purposes.  How functional is it, how accessible to the public, how much is it worth? All these things are what writers, artists and musicians take into account when doing any creative work, is it not? One thing with artists of any kind is the idea that if it cannot be used in any way, if you cannot turn your art into a viable source of income, it is useless. I feel very much this way when I practice any of the instruments I have a superficial interest in. When I draw. I know that my music and my art will never be good enough to be publicized. Ever. So does that make my hobbies useless? Is it wrong to want to pursue these things despite their seemingly lack in worth? I think that there are many people who do exactly that (pursue hobbies for the heck of it, knowing it'll never become their day job), I just feel unproductive doing it. I guess I have a hard time justifying such "unproductive" things.

Raindrops falling on my head

Not quite what I'm going through but the tune matches my mood.

It's what good conversation'll do to me. ^_^

Venting

Omg, seriously.

I hate sloppy work. I understand mistakes happen. An occasional typo, a small mistake here or there, that's fine. But seriously? I have to clean up that mess?

I'm just pissed because I said that mistakes add up. The response? "I'm sorry for making those small mistakes."

I'm sorry but in this line of work, those "small" mistakes reflect really badly on you. And on our company. It makes you look sloppy, negates what the teachers are trying to teach and defeats the purpose of the work we're doing.

Really now.

Seriously annoyed. I hate having to clean up after people. I guess it's because I feel like I'm not responsible for it but I still have to mop up the mess. If it's your job, do it right. I hate having to fix those kinds of mistakes. I mean I make mistakes. I make plenty of mistakes, but not these. I think what my problem is, is that I know I can do a better job. What sucks even more, is that perhaps I'm the reason that the job isn't getting done properly. What am I not conveying to her that needs to be conveyed? Am I just that much of a failure as her employer?

Is it bad that I just want to have her fired now? Because she can't do her job? After the second project?

I need to give her more of a chance, I think. But when is enough?

I guess since I didn't do a good enough job of training her, I need to take responsibility for my actions. Perhaps I did bring it onto myself. The student is only as good as the teacher, they say, right? I'm doing something wrong. How depressing. Ugh, I hate such situations.

Going home... or perhaps leaving home?

The reality that I'm leaving for good still hasn't hit me. My room's packed and the boxes have been taken away so I'm sitting in this room (again that doesn't quite feel like my room) with minimal things and yet, I still don't feel like I'm leaving. Perhaps I've gotten so used to the pattern of accepting my surroundings and adjusting accordingly to whatever exists that it doesn't feel foreign to have all my stuff gone. Or perhaps it's simply because I never really felt that this room was mine. My stuff was in it, that's all.

I'm not quite sure what it is, I just feel odd. The fact that I haven't been sleeping on a regular schedule and work has been quite overwhelming is definitely a contributing factor. The heat hasn't been helping either. I definitely melt in heat. Blah.

In the end, I can't pinpoint what it is, but I guess I don't feel like I'm leaving. Do I know, deep down inside, that I'll be coming back? I don't want to come back but the reality of the possibility exists and it's something I can't deny.

What an odd place to be in life! I can't say it's a good thing or a bad thing, just that it's odd.

Consequence

I realized I don't take consequences seriously.

I mean when I have the face the consequences of my decisions and I've done something stupid, it sucks.

However, I don't think I take the the consequences of my actions as seriously as I previous gave myself credit for.

Basically, I've fallen into the pattern of taking things less seriously than they should. To a certain extent, I think all people should take themselves less seriously but lately I've been doing it with things of rather serious consequence.

Gah.

Back home

I'm back in a room that's supposed to be mine, but all I feel is that my stuff is gathered into a room that has the semblance of what is supposed to be my room.

I can't find a thing. -_-

Cooking

I love cooking.

I realized more and more just how awesome cooking is. Well, more than that, I realized how much I really really like cooking. Then, of course I started to think about making a career out of it, and I decided there's no way I want to make a career out of cooking.

But I would like to devote this entry to the awesome-ness of cooking and why I like it.

1. No rules, just guidelines. Unlike a lot of the world and society, I can break all the rules if I want to. I don't have to follow the recipe to the T and it usually still comes out okay. I try to use some kind of logic but the cool thing is, it doesn't matter if I'm a little off or if I add a little extra salt or basil because usually it doesn't ruin the recipe (though honestly, I feel like if you add too much cinnamon or any strong herb, it kills it - I tried to make rosemary lemon chicken once and completely failed because I didn't know how much rosemary to add - I didn't use a recipe that time though.) Basically, the beauty about cooking is that there's a lot of room for creativity, but there are boundaries (with the help of recipes) so that you won't completely screw up. If I want to make something I like, I usually look up several recipes for the same thing and see where the recipes differ - what ingredients are the same, how much is required, etc. Since they usually differ a little, I can start to see where I have the freedom to mess around and make it my own.

2. No pressure. I'm not cooking for anyone but myself. If I screw up, I'm the only one who has to deal with the consequences (and eat the nasty thing - thankfully that rosemary lemon chicken was really the only utter failure. The stuff I make usually isn't terrible. Oh, I made this awesome smelling chicken vegetable stew that turned out pretty bland but even that with a little hot sauce was okay. :P)

3. Relaxing, yet productive. I can de-stress and not feel like I'm wasting my day away (which is how I feel when I play Tetris Battle for like an hour). I can spend hours in the kitchen and be completely at ease about it - I know some people hate being in the kitchen for long periods of time but I find the kitchen to be an agreeable place for me.

I realized how much I like cooking here because it's actually incredibly inconvenient to cook since I'm at a hotel and at the center the cooking situation is not ideal.

Basically, all I have is a skillet-type thing and a pot-type thing (it's not very deep either so making pasta was a little tricky). I don't have a spatula and I have to take all my dishes downstairs if I want to do the dishes. I also have take all my vegetables and fruit downstairs to wash them. Or I use a big water bottle and a bowl as a makeshift sink. Oh, but the microwave is a grill/oven/microwave all in one. It's kind of cool (I made toast using it!). So yeah. I like cooking. ^_^

I mean I took some pictures (below) and none of it looks very good and in terms of taste, it's usually a "meh! not bad" instead of  a "wow, this is really good, I'm going to make this again!" but it doesn't change the fact that I like cooking.

(and of course I'll only choose the pictures that actually make my cooking look half decent - hehe!)

^ so above is a spinach omelette I made. without a spatula (that's why it's all broken and what not!). Anyway, it came out pretty decent! Spinach is too troublesome to wash though. Oh and if you look closely, I cooked the eggs for too long. I'm still trying to get that down.

^ I fried some veggies (with oil, salt, pepper, basil, a little sugar and tabasco) and then they had something called hamburg steak and I think they already added some kind of sauce or something (Worcestershire sauce?) so the meat itself was really soft and flavorful. I added salt, pepper, olive oil and as can be seen (slightly burnt ^^;;) onions and garlic. I forgot how much oil comes out of meat... I added butter to the pan before I cooked the patties so they were swimming in oil. -_- It came out pretty decent though! :)

Things in Japan

Hm. I don't know why but I feel like I should update so I am.

I like it here. The people here are nice, the food is agreeable, and the weather has been getting better and better.

I lucked out and am staying at a very nice hotel for 9 days (switching in like 2 or 3 days though). The hotels are hard to come by here apparently because many people commute from somewhere else (or something). Not sure. Eh. I'm not complaining - my room is a washitsu for like 5 people (meaning it's pretty big). My bathroom isn't the size of a tiny closet and the toilet is in a separate room (which is very typical of Japanese homes apparently). So yeah. It's nice. :) This would be a near perfect apartment if it had a kitchen (though I don't like sitting on the floor when I want to use the computer... X.x).

I think this is kind of what it feels like to live alone! I really really like it. I think I'm still kind of afraid of the dark, rapists and serial killers (I read too many horror novels when I was young -_-;;) but in the end, I really like this living alone thing. Hm. I'd have to really live alone for a while to see how it goes, but I think I'm going to stick with this kind of living for a while! ^^

Cooked Japanese curry and it was delicious. The microwave they have at the center is also a grill and oven so I used it to heat up my curry and rice and I cracked an egg in the middle. It was wonderful. :D

Hm. Otherwise, not much else going on. Been ridiculously busy for some reason still and I'm really looking forward to the other volunteer coming in two weeks. ^^

Self

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't recognize my own reflection. Is that weird?

I don't know if it's a lack of ever being able to recognize myself (I don't like look at my reflection for too long... I don't know why but it makes me feel vain so I stop staring) or if it's me unable to recognize myself aging.

It's an odd feeling really. I don't know why I feel so detached from myself at times. I don't feel like I'm living life. Is that depression? Eh. I don't think so.

On a completely different note, I'm in Japan!

I'm going to start a blog specifically for the things I'm doing in Japan (it's for the churches that are following) so hopefully I'll be able to update that pretty regularly! :)

How do you know?

How do you know he's going to do that?
How did you know she was going to do that?

"I just know."

Could that be considered faith? Just because you know that someone is going to do something doesn't mean you're a prophet of any sort. It doesn't mean anything, really, right? Basically it means that you believe you know someone well enough to be able to know what they're going to do at a certain point in time. You just know.

I think faith works the same way. You just know. It isn't easy to explain - I mean I feel like that's what the past 2000 years have been about. Try to explain this unseen thing and deconstructing it in a way that makes sense. That's why there's so many explanations and that's why only some people understand those explanations. It's like explaining an experience to someone who's never experienced it before. People who've been through that experience understand, but someone who hasn't will never be able to fully understand what it is like until they've experienced it themselves. I feel like adulthood kind of works that way. You explain to kids that being an adult means being responsible and paying bills and doing boring stuff. However, I know plenty of adults that do all that that aren't really adults. So then you talk about maturity. Being an adult means acting mature in certain types of situations. But then again, that isn't quite the case either, is it? There are so many petty people in the world. Then, the explanation becomes "Well it's complicated. You won't understand until you become one."

I think Christian faith is also a gift. When people talk about being Christian and about believing that a stange man who had some strange ideas came, lived a perfect life in the eyes of God, died and was resurrected is honestly one that's hard to believe. People understand the concept behind Christianity - that it's based off of love, that these strange people sometimes will try to make you believe in what they believe in, yet I sometimes feel like they don't really know. There's so much more to the religion than just fluffy things about love and saving others. There are some beautiful nuances and resonances that make it what it is and for me, that make it a truth that even if I wanted to, I can't deny.

I find aetheists fascinating precisely for that reason. Why does science exist if we believe that everything just sort of happened by chance? Why do we seek to find how things work? Isn't that try to find order? If there really is no order, shouldn't chaos reign? Why do things work? Doesn't the fact that order exists (a seed must be put in soil and watered in order for it to grow) that negates the idea of chaos?

Eh. Again, I've overgeneralized, but I suppose that's just where I stand.

Immaturity

The more I write my graduate school applications, the more I realize how immature I am.

I feel like Korea as made me go back about 5 years - to the mindset I had in college. I feel like I have plenty of time, yet know that I don't. I feel younger than I really am. I still live with my parents and I don't want to move out because I no longer care to have the responsibility of being an adult.

I used to be so ready to move out, to take on the world - to cook my own food, make my own money and take care of all those "adult" things. I feel like I've been backsliding, ever since I've moved back with my parents. I feel like I'm trying to swim and keep my head afloat as an "adult" when really, I'm just drowning in my parents' care.

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate how much my parents have done for me. Honestly, I hate that I still have to rely on them for a lot of things. Especially right now because I don't have a steady income. At the same time, there's a certain amount of comfort in being able to rely on them and lean on them for such things. It's fine to ask people for help, but it's rude when you're inconveniencing them.

I realize that I hate inconveniencing people and I hate being inconvenienced.

And of course, I've done it again.  I apply the principles I have for myself and I try to impose them on others. Then I marvel at how rude those people are. That's probably one of the hardest things to get used to - accepting the way people operate because they're simply different. I can accept some random random things that others find to be irritating, but I find myself just as intolerant of other things. I wonder what it is.

I suppose in the end, it really just comes down to accepting a person for who they are, to the fullest extent. Let them be them. One can share ideas and opinions but if they differ, they differ. Our society is obsessed with the idea of a "right" answer and sometimes, there really isn't one. I can say there is but if someone else disagrees and there's no one to say that one is right and the other is wrong, it all just comes down to popular opinion.

For example, who in the world made that stupid rule that brown and black don't match? That's ridiculous. Brown and black exist together everywhere in nature and you never see someone going "Ew, that brown tree bark and black soil just doesn't go together." And nowadays, all those "rules" are being broken.

For a lot of people, absolutes don't exist. For me, they do. Ironically though, I don't see things in black and white. I prefer to see things in a rainbow (and not those cheesy kindergarten rainbows with seven colors). I guess I have absolutes for myself but for others, I see the color. If I don't, I try to see it (but slowly I feel that my world is turning an ugly, ugly gray).

I think I feel so immature because I haven't found a place to stand. I don't want to. Once you find a place to stand, you start planting roots. Then they become your motto or ideal. How things are supposed to be. I've seen and read too many philosophies and "roots" that are flawed. I'm not saying the place I stand has to be perfect. That doesn't matter. It's the aftermath of those roots. The intolerance for things that are "wrong" because they're different. I'm not talking about the obvious - racism, sexism, or any other kind of -ism. I'm talking about the daily clashes that people have with each other because people operate differently. Once you understand that, it honestly becomes hard to stay angry at people. People who get easily irritated at others for doing something stupid say that precisely because they feel that the way they say and do things is right. They surround themselves with people that think the same, solidifying their philosophy. That suddenly becomes a society of people. And now you have a culture.

Personal space.

Standing in line.

Being polite.

Doing a good job on a project.

Things like this are somewhat of a given for me. I hate it when people break these "rules" that I have - yes they are constructed by the societies that I've been surrounded by, but honestly, it's exactly that - a societal construct.

I don't know why I struggle with it so much. I don't agree with the idea of society constructs at all. I like honesty. I wish we could all just be honest. I just feel like as I get older, there are so many games (in the dating world), politics (in the rest of the parts of the adult life) and so many hidden agendas. Why does it have to be like that? It's dumb. I feel like it's this big game of manipulation. How many people can you get on your side so you can be "right" or "popular" or the "next big thing"? Seriously.

I feel like building a self-sustaining mansion in the mountains somewhere and never coming out again.

I've decided for the most part, I don't like people. All people. Even the people I like, I don't like. I don't like them because I like them so much (sorry readers - though honestly, it's really only future me that'll be reading this, I think).

Eh. What a pointless rant. I think I'm just tired, stressed from the mountains of things I have to do and depressed because I feel constricted again. Such is the life of an adult.

Hunger (update)

I woke up with a stomachache. T.T

Okay, so it wasn't necessarily because I ate late at night (I made sure to sleep in a relatively upright position so as to prevent acid reflux!) but it seems to be some kind of bile build-up from all the grease I've been eating. Or something. I'm actually not quite sure what it is (I forget what the doctor said... X.x). So I'm on medication again.

I don't have to eat rice porridge anymore and I can even eat spicy! Though I suppose I should take it easy since I just got over this other stomach thing... But the thing is, I can't eat anything greasy, egg yolks or milk.

And of course that makes me want to eat it all the more. Especially milk. How the heck am I supposed to have my cereal in the morning?!

So I finally opened the jar of blackberry jam (Knotts) that I bought from the States and it's really good! It has no fat and I think it's okay for me to eat toast so that's what I've been having. :D I have to back to the doctor's again on Thursday though. *sigh*

Oh, why does this have to happen right before I leave? That means I can't eat so many things.......

Hunger

I rarely have problems sleeping. Usually if I'm really stressed out, my thoughts will keep me awake. This has happened a couple times in my life though I can only distinctly remember the why for one period of time I had difficulty sleeping. It was before I was about to take the SATs and I thought I would fail at life if I didn't do well in them. And then I realized that I needed to sleep to perform optimally. So it passed.

Today, I couldn't sleep not because of all the work I have to do, the packing I have to do, the grad school apps I need to look over again or the miscellaneous other things I need to take care of.

I was hungry. Really really hungry.

To preface this, I got food poisoning on Friday night. And for some reason I thought that this meant that I would be stuck eating 죽 (juk - Korean rice porridge) until I got better. I guess I assume that food poisoning was the same as 배탈 (bae-tal), which is pretty much an upset stomach due to some kind of indigestion or something. I don't really know what causes 배탈 that makes it different from food poisoning but I thought that the food poisoning I got was of the same variety and thought I would be stuck eating rice porridge for several days and then slowly weaning myself off it to solid foods.

So in other words, I half starved myself. Not by choice - I had places to go, things to take care of and I packed my rice porridge when I could. So today was the last day of my medication and I had eaten what I thought to be a decent dinner (eating as slowly as I could and chewing as much as I could remember to).

I have an early morning tomorrow. It's past midnight. I was planning on sleeping before midnight. Nothing occupies my mind as I lay in bed, staring at the semi-dark ceiling, partially illuminated by the city lights. As hunger occupies my stomach, I think to myself, Ah, now I understand what those kids are talking about when they talk about not being able to sleep because they're too hungry in those books...

So what did I do?

The truth behind my mom's words suddenly hit me. "You don't need to only eat 죽 (juk). If you feel better, you can eat whatever you want, just don't overdo it."

Without further ado, I climbed out of bed and grabbed whatever seemed to be easy to digest in my mind for an odd smorgasbord midnight snack: cherry tomatoes, this salted meat thing (장조림), walnuts and laver (dried seaweed). A little too much salt probably, the meat probably wasn't the best idea, and I'm not sure if tomatoes are easy to digest (ironically the first time I got food poisoning was from some bad cherry tomatoes...).

Oh well. I'm happy. My stomach's happy.

And now I can finally go to bed.

Influence

Man I hate it when I have something to write about and the moment passes and then I suddenly have less to say. It's like a moment's inspiration is just that - a moment. :\

Lately I've been thinking about the people around me and the influence they've had on me. I realize that as we get older, we have a tendency to surround ourselves with people that think like us - that's a given in a sense, but  it ends up emphasizing the qualities we like about ourselves or (if the whole group is somewhat delusional (to use a strong word)) they become self-righteous. However, I realized lately that a lot of people don't have that much of a choice of who to surround themselves with or sometimes, they just put up with people whose qualities they don't like.

More and more, I realize how easily influenced I am by those around me. Because of this, I realized that I need to be more careful of who I am around and what I am around.

Korean society has influenced me in such a way that I no longer feel like I am a part of the adult population. In part, this has to do with the fact that I have been living with my parents for the past 3 1/2 years and it is not only socially acceptable in Korea, it is the social norm. I see the merits in living with one's parents, and I'm sure there are many many people who are extremely self-sufficient adults who live with their parents but I am not one of those people. I feel like I've become a child again. An overgrown child, but a child nonetheless.

Another factor I think has to do with the fact that I don't have regular working hours. Combined with the fact that I've been constantly told that I'm "young" (though there's the constant reminder that I need to get married), I feel like I can be irresponsible. Or perhaps I'm just not cut out to work from home. :\ Eh.

What's interesting is that there's apparently a phenomenon in our generation called the "Kidult." I've actually never seen this term anywhere (just heard it from a friend) but I completely and totally agree with what the term implies. I feel like I am one of them. I've become irresponsible and lazy. This usually stems from a complete lack of a sense for time and a complete and total lack of motivation. I don't think it has to do with any underlying depression that I'm denying (I do admit I get depressed sometimes) but the simple fact that I don't feel like I've grown up. I don't look that much older in my eyes, I don't have adult interests (politics bore me), and I don't act like an adult, nor is there any real motivation for me to. I mean there are obvious physical differences that come with age but the change is so gradual that it soon becomes part of the fabric of who I define myself to be (which is not an adult).

I like to think that I no longer think like a high schooler but I still like watching cartoons and having the freedom to eat cookies for breakfast (which is a bad idea).  Even when I was working in NY and living more or less on my own, I had a pretty irresponsible lifestyle. I mean granted, I worked out and ate somewhat healthy, if I had an anime I was into, I wouldn't sleep and it would affect my work (it wasn't too bad because I'd usually make up for it by sleeping really early the next day...).

I don't know. Perhaps what it is, is that I feel a discord between my vision of what an adult should be at my age and how I am and how I feel. I wonder if children look at me and think the same thing I did when I was their age. "Wow, they have it all figured out."

Adults don't know jack. That's the conclusion that I've come to as an adult. Yes, wisdom comes with experience and so older people know better. For the most part. But the thing is, just because they were able to get through some kind of experience a certain way, doesn't mean it was the best way or the most efficient way. Do adults really know? Not really. So many theories and approaches are overturned with the next generation. A couple generations ago, the mantra was "work hard." Our generation, it's "be happy." This affects the advice we give to our friends. "Does it make you happy?" "If you're that unhappy, you should just quit."

I was talking about this to a friend and I think it's true. Our generation as lost the true meaning behind happiness. Happiness isn't found by seeking happiness as much as it is found through seeking some kind of fulfillment. I suppose you could say it has to do with finding one's "meaning" in life. This could be religious or whatever but when you're happy with what you're doing - you feel like your life has some kind of meaning behind it (to help people, create new technology, etc.), you find happiness. Our generation out of all others I feel seeks happiness the most out of life and I think in some ways fails the most at it. Some of the happiest people are the poorest or the hardest working or the most diligent. I feel like maybe we've lost that somewhere along the way. We've forgotten that sometimes hard work and hardships are what bring happiness. We start giving excuses like "This does not make me happy" and give up when it gets too hard. I mean the previous generations worked too hard in some ways - probably because they had to. They didn't have the luxury of quitting their jobs. I think we've hit the other extreme. People nowadays still work hard, but I feel like there's so much less of that sense of commitment and that's where we've failed.

Meh. In many ways I'm overgeneralizing and I can actually think of some cases that directly disprove what I'm saying, but I guess I feel like that's the running theme in what I've seen of society (both in Korea and the States).

I guess what it comes down to is influence. People need to be conscious of what they're being influenced by. That's something that I've realized I need to change. I get influenced by just about anything. A good movie. A character I like in an anime. People that annoy me. People who react a certain way in public situations. The public eye. It's so annoying that it's so hard for me to extract myself from those things. And some of it done so unconsciously!

Oh well.  I suppose it's at times like this where a re-evaluation of oneself and one's values is what allows one to really make the changes necessary to stop those influences from taking over, right?

Connections

What are the odds?

I realize that people are much more connected than they think. It's interesting because I mean there are some crazy meetings (meeting a high school friend from California in the streets of NY or running across a college friend from Chicago in Korea, etc.) but in some ways, the odds aren't as low as one would think. I mean if you think about the popular hang-outs in these metropolitan areas, the frequency with which our generation travels and goes to said popular hang-outs, there's actually a pretty high chance of running into someone you know.

At the same time, I realize that I don't treat chance meetings as anything related to fate. If someone comes my way or if I get re-connected with someone, I just look at it as a happy encounter and don't think anything beyond it. Is there supposed to meaning behind every encounter we have? If there is, how are we supposed to treat those strangers we encounter that we actually look at? We see many many people on a daily basis, but I'm talking about those people that you actually notice. I don't think I'm the only one who sees masses of people as a single entity. They may be individuals, but they're individuals that don't mean much to me (though with some people, I really wonder what kinds of lives they lead..). But it's exactly that - those people you notice and wonder about (not the loud annoying ones that cause trouble, but the people that with just one look, you end up thinking about). Is there meaning behind that?

Resonates

I hate it when everything in life seems so depressing. It's weird because I know I'm not depressed, but there are so many things to be depressed about.

Been reading Not For Sale by David Batstone and it's a pretty depressing book. Corrupt government, poverty stricken families, heartless friends and family members, hopeless situations, etc. It's got just about everything depressing that you can find. And this anime I'm watching, Ano Hi Mita Hana no Namae o Bokutachi wa Mada Shiranai (which roughly translates to "we still don't know the name of the flower we saw that day"), is mad depressing. The title sounds kind of corny but it sounds melancholy in Japanese I feel. It's about this group of friends that stopped hanging out after one of their friends died.

I dunno, it's all so sad if you think about it.

Is it because there's so much sadness that I feel like I have to balance it out and be happy?

Eh.

How much would you pay?

If you think about it, it all stems from the legalization of porn and a culture that accepts certain types of sexual behavior. I used to think that people who watched porn and masturbated to it was just a normal, healthy thing for men to do. Why is it that I'm finding from not only churches (who were against it to begin with) but the anti-church liberal side of the spectrum saying similar things? Is it because perhaps there is some truth in the statement that porn is bad?

How is it bad? Little teenagers watch porn. How else are they going to release the sexual tension they build up from the rest of the media that's out there that's encouraging them to have sex at as early of an age as possible? Well, it's when porn starts interfering with people's sex lives. I'm not saying I condone pre-marital sex - I'm against it but I have my reasons for that. Eh, to each their own. I know the statistics for divorce with people who've had multiple sex partners (divorce rate goes up exponentially with increasing number of sexual partners, surprise surprise) and as with other people, I'm entitled to exercise my opinion on the matter. In the end, if people are going to have sex, so be it. The problem is when porn starts to interfere with people having healthy sex lives. Since I'm talking about married people who have this problem, let's use that as an example.

A married couple is very in love with each other. They have a healthy, supportive relationship and for the most part are very happy with each other. However, the man has a problem. He's been watching porn since he was 14 and is used to getting off by watching porn and his right hand. So now when he's with a real woman in bed, he can't perform.

I mean there are differing opinions about this, but this pastor, Mark Gungor, made a good point - if you make it a big enough habit, you can pretty much reprogram your body to respond to only certain kinds of stimuli. I don't understand why this is such a big debate. NO DUH GUYS ARE HAVING PROBLEMS. I mean think about it. Boys start watching porn at as early as 6 (apparently) and let's say your balls drop at around 14. If you start on a habit, conditioning your body to respond to your hand to projected images on a computer screen for several years until starting with real women, what the heck do you think your body's going to do when it comes in contact with real women? What other habits does anyone keep up from 14? I can't think of any except the unhealthy ones I want to stop. When I first heard the whole debate about porn, I didn't it was a big deal. But this is kind of a problem.

This is not a religious thing (just because I heard this habit thing from a pastor means nothing when he's basing his observations on scientific and psychological studies - think Pavlov). In the end, I think this only affects guys who can't get women, choose not to and choose only to watch porn and all this other stuff. Blah blah blah. I mean this is one of the many problems with porn.

Then what's the other problem with porn? It stimulates. Guys have issues getting it up with real women. But for some guys, it turns into a desire to have a women. Because they can't get women, turn to prostitutes. If they get into certain types of porn, they start wanted to do illegal things to women. Some people can't view anything without the lens of porn since apparently every conceivable situation can be turned into a bom-chika-wow-wow situation. So what happens? Oh, look, you can pay a couple thousand bucks to have your own personal sex slave! When you're done them, pay a couple more thousand, get another one! They're so much cheaper than prostitutes and they cost less than woo-ing a chic for a date with only a possibility of getting laid and it's much less effort!

Except they don't want to be there. They thought they were going to get a new job at a company or factory so that they could help feed their family. Or their parents sold them because they come from a poverty-stricken country that can't even afford to feed themselves.

Oh boo-hoo, what a sad story. It doesn't affect me so who cares? What if it does matter? What if it did affect you?

Yeah, sex slavery is a pretty big deal. Does anyone personally know anyone else that has a sex slave? Well obviously not, people know it's illegal. No one's going to go around advertising that they have a sex slave in their home! No one's that stupid. But it exists. Even in the States. Isn't that sad? Go to this website: http://www.slaverymap.org/ I found 2 cases in my neighborhood. In a city that's apparently supposed to be affluent. Where bums aren't allowed to stay in one place for more than a couple nights because of the city's image.

But what about other forms of slavery?

What about the type where young children are forced to work long hours, just so they can eat three meals and live in a small room and get beaten every once in a while? Is that not slavery? Where dogs will attack them if they try to run away?

Would you be happy knowing that something you're eating, wearing or using stemmed from another person's pain and suffering? What if a lot of the products you buy, the products you use, the things you eat are direct results of these slaves working? Yeah child labor was a big deal back in the 90s - Nike apparently used them and Abercrombie apparently used them and now they probably don't. Hopefully. It's a non-issue since then, isn't it? Who cares anyway?

Can you really say who cares? Would you care if your 5-12 year-old child, niece/nephew, cousin, etc. had to do that kind of stuff?

Then the answer becomes "Well there isn't much I can do. That's just the way the world is."

Now there is something you can do. Simply buy an app (http://www.free2work.org/) and check to see how much of the stuff you're going to buy is a result of slave labor. Support companies that don't use slave labor. Don't support companies that use slave labor. It's not that hard. Though sadly, it's kind of hard for me because I'm one of the few people of my generation that doesn't have a smartphone. -_-;;

Y'know what the sad thing is? Making tiny choices to help the environment or the people in the environment makes me feel like I'm saving the world. Sometimes, I wonder what I can do. I have no money, I'm really not much of an activist and I don't volunteer as often as I feel I should.

But these kinds of decisions to help people out - whether it's buying a pair of Toms shoes (which apparently isn't a sound business model from an activist point of view but that's another story) or choosing not to buy certain types of coffee that use slave labor using that handy dandy little app or buying those cute T-shirts at the Not for Sale store. I mean there's a lot more that people can do nowadays... and I mean dude. It's slavery. It was totally supposed to be over in 1865 when Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation. There were supposed to be basic civil rights after the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960s. What the heck, America?

Anyway, if you're interested, check out the Not for Sale website - it probably has more accurate statistics and how you can get involved and all that jazz: http://www.notforsalestore.org/.

Yeah it's a long post, but honestly, slavery seems to be such a dumb, human-induced issue that we need to deal with. Why the heck does it even exist nowadays? It's so stupid. End it and stop people from doing it ever again so we can deal with other issues at hand (like all the people who are dealing with the aftermath of natural disasters).

[edit]

Completely random, but it's interesting how timing with certain things works out, isn't it? I felt so passionless a couple days ago, and now I have something to be passionate about. ^_^ heh~ I hope this lasts. I keep thinking that I'm just little ol' me and I won't be able to do much so I'll just do as much as I can while I still have the motivation so that I can feel like I've helped the world in my own little way. ^^;;

Passion

There are so many things I want to try. To sample. Lifestyles that I want to embody. I want to be so passionate about something that I want to lose myself in it.

Sometimes, I feel like there's nothing.

Nothing.
At.
All.

Most people don't find it. There are societal pressures, family pressures, personal pressures. Things that one fights. Inner battles.

I want to be lost in something that I love.

Downfalls of technology 2

I think that people are stupid.

Programs are stupid too.

Programs created by people are stupid as well.

Why? Because computers, no matter how "well" they're made, crash. It's been 30+ years. Yes, Windows95 is probably when operating systems became a bigger deal so that means it's been 22 years since they still suck at windows. And Apple users still have the beach ball of death so I don't think it makes much of a difference. At any rate, people are dumb. They click on things they're not supposed to and delete things they're not supposed to.

SO FIX IT. I mean dood, if that's what people are going to do, isn't the obvious answer to simply create a "fix-it" program? Windows Vista onwards apparently has something like that but oh, look! Some companies decide to be lazy and conveniently don't give you a Windows Vista CD and now what?

YOU'RE FUCKED.

My computer keeps crashing. Why? Something's wrong with the video card. I can't figure it out. I've downloaded the most updated driver and 3 different version of a beta driver. I'm starting to think it's my CPU that's just overheating my computer (but no, that doesn't make any sense because my computer reboots just fine).

Then what the heck is wrong with the dang thing?! Well I don't know. The only thing I know is that something's wrong, my computer randomly freezes on me, and most likely it's the graphics driver.

I can't fix it.

And I don't have a Windows Vista CD so I can fix it. Stupid Averatec. Stupid Windows.

Maybe I'll go Mac. I don't game anyway........... (but then again, do I really want to go through all the issues w/ software compatibility? -_-;; and the new shortcut keys...)

I hate having to deal with things that are supposed to work that don't. Really.

I mean in the end, if you think about it, it's all a money-making scheme. The only reason they don't fix these stupid things is because if it breaks and there's no real viable solution, people will buy the new version (Windows 7) thinking that it'll somehow magically solve all their problems.

I hate how money is the reason some things that aren't fixed in this world.

Downfalls of technology

It never ceases to amaze me.

I'm irritated because I spent the last half hour working on 4 stories that got erased. "Microsoft Word has stopped working. What would you like to do?"

Didn't even think twice. I had literally seconds before hit Ctrl + S (shortcut key to save the file) so I closed the program.

I open it up and what do I see?

ALL 4 STORIES GONE. I don't even know how far back I have to go and redo my work (as in anything else outside of those 4 stories that I added, I don't know if it properly got saved).

All I know is that I'm irritated as hell at Microsoft Word and my own lack of judgement. The file itself is pretty big. Perhaps I was too hasty in trying to move onto the next step and clicked on the window while it was saving, thus temporarily freezing the program. Hence the error message.

Had I waited, the file would have finished saving and I would've been able to move on with my life.

But no.

I lost it all.

Granted the stories were short (and by short, I mean really short - three of the stories were 8-9 short sentences and the last story a mere 40 sentence story) and easily recalled from memory but it's the principle of the matter.

Irritating as hell. And I blame Microsoft Word. I don't care if there's an autosave function every 5 minutes or so.

If the stupid program crashes, FIX IT. After so many years they still don't seem to have it down.

At times like this, the emoticon for anger seems to so aptly convey how I feel.

>:(

The annoying thing about me

is that I've gotten to be a better judge at how long it'll take for me to do something.

Which means that I take procrastination to its maximum potential.

What's worse is that I'm usually too optimistic about my time because I don't take into account setbacks.

So usually I'm late with what I intend to do on time.

-_-

In other words, I still am a sucky judge of time, I just think I've gotten better at it.

My Personality x2

I took that quiz again and now I'm more 'auditory' than visual apparently.

Results:

Auditory : 57%
Visual : 42%
Left : 33%
Right : 66%


You show a slight right-hemisphere dominance with a moderate preference for auditory processing, an unusual and somewhat paradoxical combination of characteristics.


You are drawn to a random and sometimes nonchalant synthesis of material. You learn as it seems important to a specific situation, and might even develop a resentment of others who attempt to direct your learning down a specific channel.


Your right-hemispheric dominance provides a structure that is only loosely organized and one which processes entire swatches of reality, overlooking details. You are emotional in your reactions and perceptual more than logical in your approach, although you can impose structure and a language base when necessary.


Your auditory preference, on the other hand, implies that you process information sequentially and unidimensionally. This combination of right-brain and auditory modes creates conflict, as you want to process data more rapidly than your natural processes allow.


Your tendency to be creative and free-flowing is accompanied by sufficient ability to organize and be logical, allowing you a reasonable degree of success in a number of different endeavors. You take in information methodically and systematically which can then be synthesized rapidly. In this manner, you manage to function consistently well, although certainly less efficiently than you desire.


You prefer the abstract and are a theoretician at heart while retaining the ability to be practical. You find the symbolism in a great deal of what you encounter and are something of a "mystic."


With regards to your lifestyle, you have the mentality which would be good as a philosopher, writer, journalist, or instructor, or possibly as a systems designer or social worker. Perhaps most important is your ability to "listen to your inner voice" as a mode of skipping over unnecessary steps to achieve your goals.

But what hasn't changed is that I'm kind of off. hahahahaha and I'm still very right-brained. I took this quiz taking less time to think about the answer and just kind of did whatever I felt like. Honestly though, these results are kind of skewed because I've taken the quiz before (but some of the questions were different so it didn't matter). ^_^ hehe This is interesting~

Humans

One thing I've forgotten as of late is the fact that it doesn't matter how old someone is or what their status is in life, in the end they're all human. I don't know if it's because I've been in Korea for so long (with the whole age deference/acknowledgement thing) but I've started to treat children as children and adults as adults. To a certain extent, there's the "duh" factor because you're obviously not going to talk to a 2nd grade child about your finances or something mundane like that. Or even the weather. I don't know why but I feel like it's specific to adults. And for some reason, it's an interesting topic to talk about with adults.

"It's really cold out there, isn't it?"
"Sure is, Bob."
"Take care and dress warmly!"
"Sure will."

I mean perhaps it's just me because it's almost like a formality in some ways or whatever, but I guess I find it quaint. I wouldn't talk about the weather and tell them to take care if it was someone I didn't care about, y'know? It may just seem to be something to talk about, but I just find it nice. Interestingly enough, I distinctly remember making fun of weather as a topic of conversation when I was younger.

Anyway, going back to the main topic at hand, I used to not care whether the person was young, old, rich, poor, educated, not, interesting, boring, etc. I was able to talk to them as simply a human being. I think that's why some of my students liked me - because I didn't talk down on them. Lately I've been finding that I have been talking down to them and it is not intentional. I've also developed an aversion for talking with older men. This is for another reason that I may talk about on another day. If I feel like it. At any rate, I must remember that it doesn't matter who they, everyone has something interesting to say, it's just a matter of drawing it out of them.

My Personality

Oddly enough, I think other people can tell me more about me than I can. I can tell you what I like doing but usually it depends on my mood. If I'm happy, I'll probably give you a good response. If I'm stressed out, I'll probably get really irritated really quickly (though I realized it's only with my parents. I need to work on that).

So I took a series of right-brain/left-brain quizzes to see which area I fit better. I think I'm more right-brained than left. This means that I'm better at like the visual/audio stuff like drawing and music rather than the logical/verbal stuff like math and writing (this a large over-generalization though because right-brained people can do math, it's just they need to visualize it first). But then again, that's not really the case with me either. They say that right-brained people have a hard time with geometry proofs and I liked those things.

This article was kind of crazy though for me because I had a really hard time trying to see the ballerina spin counterclockwise. But once I got it to spin the other way, it was easy for me to switch back. So does that mean I'm much more right-brained than I initially thought?

This article gave a breakdown in like qualities of either hemisphere:

Left Brain	Right Brain
Logical Sequential Rational Analytical Objective Looks at parts	Random Intuitive Holistic Synthesizing Subjective Looks at wholes

In the end, it doesn't help me because I feel like I'm a bit of both (I think all people are) and I don't think it's reason for me to suddenly become a musician or artist.... gaaaah none of it helps. It makes me wonder if being a literature professor is the wrong choice for me because apparently I suck with words. I mean yes, in speaking perhaps, but I do enjoy writing......

Anyway I took another quiz and read some more articles on it and I've decided I'm definitely more right-brained than left. However, I do have left-brain qualities so I guess I'm a bit of both? Though mainly right?

I suppose I should pursue my right-brained interests more. I think it makes sense though if you look at my hobbies (they're all art or music related...). Hm.

[edit]

This is one of the coolest quizzes I've ever taken (because when they ask me questions like "are you better at algebra or geometry?" or other questions like "do you follow directions?" I usually don't have a clear answer). This was like an IQ test with no right answers!


Auditory : 52%
Visual : 47%
Left : 36%
Right : 63%

You are moderately right-hemisphere dominant and have even preferences between auditory and visual processing, traits that might make people perceive you as "slightly off balance."


You are most likely to be slightly disorganized, a "dreamer" and a person who focuses more on the end result than the immediate task at hand. You are creative and spontaneous if somewhat lacking in direction and focus. You are a learner who is generally patient and a person for whom time is an ally, not an enemy.


You are more passionate than most people with regard to life and learning and recognize your own intuitive abilities. You have sufficient goal-direction to satisfy yourself and guarantee success without being or feeling driven. You are willing to be reflective about yourself and others without getting lost in rumination.


The balance of your sensory modes allows for both learning and expressive capabilities achieved by few. You are active and "seeing" while retaining an equally strong propensity for being reflective which slows you down a little but allows for a more comprehensive perception and analysis of situations and problems. You do not spend excessive time analyzing since you mostly trust your perceptions.


In all likelihood, you have a tendency to overcommit and cannot understand why others get upset since you operate on a different "time table" than they do. Your organizational abilities are frequently overwhelmed by the stimulation seeking and active nature of your mind as well as by the tendency to create new categories and gloss over details, making categorization and classification almost impossible at times.


To the extent that your career path allows for creativity and abstraction as well as a bit of disorganization, you should find yourself equipped to handle any learning that is required. Your own personal adjustment to your style should come naturally although you are likely to feel frustrated by your own limited discipline and often wonder "Why?"

I feel like this is one of the first personality quiz that was pretty accurate. I mean a lot of them are more or less right (depending on my mood) but this one I think pretty much gets it! I like the "slightly off balance" bit. :)