Weeds

In a past conversation, I was telling my friend about how I was having a hard time trying to fix certain habits and she likened such bad habits to weeds.

We are constantly cultivating ourselves into the person we aspire to be.

We enter into periods of our lives where we plant (willfully or unintentionally) weeds. They're very obviously bad for you and they will continue to come back.

I have many many weeds.

Even if I've reduced them, I still have a long way to go.

I suppose I should be celebrating my progress, but it's still depressing knowing that there's a lot more to go and even more depressing when I realize that I've created so many weeds to begin with.

Ugh. I hate how incompetent I am as an adult.

Censorship

Even in writing, I have issues.

So often times, especially when I'm tired, stressed, or just in general distracted, I have a tendency not to contextualize and make very little sense.

*fly buzzes by*

"How annoying!"

(at this point, me and whoever I'm with could be doing anything: shopping, eating, walking around, watching a movie, etc.)

So I make no sense.

I realize I do that in writing too and it makes no sense whatsoever. -_-;;

Basically if people know me and know where I'm coming from, it's fine but if not, then it can be problematic.

I rarely have ill-intent behind what I'm saying. I just don't. But so often it can be perceived that way. It's not a good thing. X.x Well, I like to think that I've gotten a lot better and contextualizing myself to other people so that I pay at least a little more attention to what I'm saying/doing. ^^;; heh

A questionable paradox

My feet are cold but I hate wearing socks.

The seemingly paradoxical states of life really aren't all that paradoxical.

I just don't like how socks feel.

When one's feet are cold, the obvious solution is to wear socks, but another solution (though less energy-efficient) is to turn up the heat. Or turn on a space heater.

What I often do is wear longer pants that I can wrap my toes in.

It only seems paradoxical because of the implied single solution.

There are always other solutions, and with those solutions, other factors to weigh in.

So often, money is the largest determining factor but I would like to think that one of the bigger things I take into consideration is quality of life. And beyond quality, depth.

There is definitely something poignant about knowingly (and willingly (willfully?)) doing something that may not be the "right" or "best" choice. Or perhaps is the "right" or "best" choice, but is also the most difficult to do.

Ugh, I must say though, I don't like what Kerouac does to my writing. Or perhaps it's simply my thinking. As Kerouac's writing is muddled, so does my thinking become so. Ew.

The anticipation of the destination

it's the imagination that leads to the creation
of jubilation
at the place of termination
the manifestation of the speculation
hallucination?
are seldom of any adequation that meets expectation
this miscalculation leads to depression

Wordplay! Hehe.

Yes, yes, I know it's horrible, but it's fun nonetheless. Oh, thesaurus.com, you are a fun resource. :)

But what I want to get at is that sometimes (a lot of the times, for some people, it seems) is that in trying to imagine how something is or how something will turn out, they set themselves up for failure. They wanted X, Y, Z but only a derivation of X happens and there is disappointment.

However, rather than talk about expectations, false hopes, disappointments, and all that boring stuff (it's a hackneyed discussion for me), I want to talk about how interesting and awesome the imagination is.

To create a reality that has not happened to the point where a person derives some kind of truth from it; that is how powerful the imagination is. That's amazing.

In line with my candyland oasis blog entry (I do like that one), as long as one is aware that they are in the realm of the imagination, it's fine. It's when the imagination bleeds into reality without the person knowing that it becomes dangerous, if only because the person creates a false sense of happiness that does not exist in circumstances outside themselves.

Music

I like crisp notes and melodies that can be isolated from harmonies. But I also like how each sound meshes together to create a uniform whole.

I like music. :)

Academic Writing

So I like my voice. I don't mean my physical voice but my writing voice. It makes sense to me and I think it's pretty interesting.

However, I realized that my writing changes in an academic setting. I don't like it. I think I try too hard or something. When I read it, it feels kind of like constipation. Or rather, when I write, it feels like constipation. The words just don't come out and when it does, something still doesn't feel right.

I re-read an old research paper I did (I think the first one I ever wrote, which was sadly, pretty recently). It's actually pretty decent. It follows all the really boring conventions of how an essay should be (it's not that organic in flow, but it works pretty well, in my opinion - like the topic sentences and all that). But when I was trying to edit it after I wrote it (and after I more or less made it flow and edited the more glaring mistakes), I was at a loss as to where to start because I didn't like how I wrote it. I suppose I just didn't like my strategy behind it or something and I wanted to rewrite the whole thing. Reading it now, I don't think I need to.

Perhaps the reason I had such difficulty with that paper was that it didn't actually say exactly what I was thinking. The point I was trying to make and the way the paper kind of came out were two different things.

I suppose my point is that I want to somehow mesh the two types of writing together.

The type of writing I do for this blog is pretty free. I just kind of write whatever the heck comes to mind and I just go at it. I try to present my ideas in a logical way - at least what works in my logic, but there's some editing (though I go back and read some entries and cringe at my typos...) but for the most part, it's relatively coherent at the first or second draft and I usually keep it - especially because it conveys (for the most part) what I'm trying to get at.

I wonder if it has something to do with the actual freedom in the parameters of a blog. I can write whatever I want, however I want and there's really no consequence.

Academic papers, if they go to a larger community of scholars (e.g. the paper is publish in some kind of hoity-toity journal), have consequences. If you mess up, there's ridicule. In classes, if you don't do well, you get a bad grade. And so on and so forth.

I suppose what it comes down to is that I don't seem to do too well under pressure. Yet interestingly enough, I still get decent grades (I don't mean that in a braggy way as much as this fact surprises me most of the time - though I do want to clarify that it's not the "I-half-assed-this-paper-and-got-an-A" but the "I-wasn't-satisfied-with-how-this-paper-turned-out-but-I-got-a-good-grade" kind of thing). I mean don't get me wrong - I do try with these papers. It's just that the result is not the picture I have in my head.

I think that my sense of my own writing is kind of off-kilter. I don't know if I'm a good writer or not. I suppose if I'm good to me, that's all that matters (at least by this era's philosophy) but is it really? I'm trying to create a career out of not necessarily my writing, but out of the thoughts that my writing enables me to do, so I suppose I should care more and I still don't know where I stand exactly. I suppose I can keep plugging along and hope that I'm not doing so bad.

And I suppose with that I can go into this huge long discussion about pride and humility but we'll save that for another day.

Bubbles

I feel like I'm in my own world sometimes (and people outside of me have confirmed this) because sometimes, I'm still in the world of whatever I'm reading. Sometimes, it may be something as simple as a newspaper article or a blog. Other times, it's the world of the books I'm reading and yet other times, it's the anime that I'm watching.

Kind of like how I mentioned in a previous post that I'm influenced by the anime I watch, or by... well just about anything, I realize too that if I get pulled into a world and its way of thinking, I see the rest of my world as such. I think it happens to a lot of people but they're just better at contextualizing where they're coming from.

For me, sometimes, I'll be in the middle of thinking a thought relative to the lens of the world I'm in and I'll say something that only makes sense relative to that world.

I suppose it really isn't a world. A context, perhaps?

Anyway, it makes me highly misunderstood and quite unfortunately, my sister is often the one who has to decode what I'm trying to say (not because she understands me more than others, though this is true as well, but by mere proximity, she is forced to hear my random nonsensical musings and try to make meaning out of them).

For example, we'll be driving somewhere and we'll pass by a billboard that has something mildly amusing. We'll have just finished a conversation about coffee or food or something unrelated and suddenly, (as if she too is seeing and thinking the same thing I am), I'll say, "That's funny."

Which means absolutely nothing to her because we were talking about something that wasn't at all funny.

She'll look at me questioningly and I'll have to backtrack and explain to her what I saw and why I thought it was funny.

This happens quite often.

I feel like at large though, this is probably the source of most miscommunication. We understand things differently, and live in different worlds, or bubbles, I suppose you could call them. Contexts would be another word.

Because of this, we are constantly trying to translate what the other person says. I don't mean those moments when you're trying analyze what a person meant when they said that they were feeling fine when they clearly weren't. Even the day to day interactions with people, the "have a nice day!" and the "thank you!" may also have different weights and meanings.

I suppose because of all this, tone, inflection and accompanying actions are so important. Yet this too requires translation - there's the whole culture thing. America, with its nuances of culture, rather than homogeneity is why sometimes this translation becomes muddled.

So the conclusion is, dealing with people is a pain in the ass. Heh.

Is Shakespeare really who he said he is?

So there have been debates about Shakespeare's identity. That his name was a pen name and that he was really a Baron of sorts or the Queen or something and I don't mean to discount the scholarly work out there that has been found to support this.

But I think that William Shakespeare could have easily been who he said he was. That is, he came from a working-class family and made himself famous. I mean we have so many of those stories now, why couldn't those stories have existed then? I suppose the whole thing about upward mobility being more difficult, access to education and all that is a viable argument, but then again, isn't the argument simply showing that it's more difficult, but not impossible?

It makes the a lot of sense, actually, that Shakespeare was from a lower-class background because he was closer to human nature (I have this rose-colored vision that nobles masked their humanity in cloaks of manners and traditions). Or I would have assumed that he saw a lot more of how evil or bad people could be.

Not only that, he worked in entertainment. And speaking of his comedies, some of the most acute observations about society and its downfalls; some of the most jarring insights into human nature are done by comedians. I feel like comedians sometimes are the most aware of the world and its dirtiness, its problems and its barrenness. Instead of despair, they choose to laugh at it and to point out the follies of society and of human nature.

By that same token (though I'm using a reductio ad absurdum argument), by saying that Shakespeare, because his work is so brilliant, could have only been nobility is the same as saying that only nobility, or to translate to modern times, the rich, is capable of any kind of poignant and intellectual insight that is worth keeping over the decades.

I suppose at the time, it makes sense that they were more likely - they had the free time and the economic freedom to do so. Yet if one's occupation asks one to be creative and to appeal to a large audience that spans more than one class of people, wouldn't it make sense that with the education that he's been exposed to (Shakespeare had an elementary education, where he studied Chaucer and Homer among others), he would be able to utilize past knowledge and present experience to create what we now celebrate as masterpieces?

Well, regardless of who he really is, it doesn't change the fact that his stuff is pretty gosh-darn good.

A city is poetic

I mean there's the obvious - it's got nuances and moments of beauty that are only appreciated with one looks closely enough and chooses to focus on such moments or such nuances.

But E.B. White put it so well:

"A poem compresses much in a small space and adds music, thus heightening its meaning. The city is like poetry; it compresses all life, all races and breeds into a small island and adds music and the accompaniment of internal engines."

He's talking, of course, of New York City and to me, NYC is the epitome of American cities.

Yet all cities have their own poetry and it's beautiful to see.

The city, whose poetry is the most apparent for me, is Tokyo. It's got the fusion of nature and city - where the plants don't look like they're choked by the waste and smog of the city. Walking around Tokyo, listening to Nujabes and all of a sudden, I realize his music makes a lot more sense.

And it's beautiful.

Oh the frustrations of writing

I suppose my writing could be linear or that I should writing linearly, but in writing this essay, I realize that neither my thoughts nor my writing is linear. I go back and rephrase something differently (and perhaps in a better way) but that it connects with an idea I said two ideas before. Yet it still works dammit!

Ugh. I hate conforming myself to boxes that don't seem to fit.

Maybe I'm just telling myself this because the editing process can be so tedious.

Time is gold

"At your age, time is gold."

I suppose the more hackneyed phrase is "time is money," but I prefer what my aunt told me.

I think that in having a flexible (note: not free) schedule, I forget about time. I think that I can rearrange things to my favor so that what is pleasant is done first and the unpleasant is pushed off. So much so that I end up pushing it to the next day, and then to the next, and the next and nothing gets done.

I realized that this attitude is much like eating all the things you like first on your dinner plate, only to have the things you don't like left. You're not only getting full, you have to ruin your palate with such unpleasant things. I used to save the best for last and it makes sense. You're full or getting full, but you can still savor that last bit and you're left with a happy memory of that meal. Of course, because food is such a big deal for me, this parallel is a powerful one.

I keep leaving unpleasant things last and when I'm worn out, tired, and irritable, I try to do what I least want to do and the obvious happens. I procrastinate.

The best time to get things done is in the morning, when I'm less coherent. Then I think less about how much I don't like said task and (somewhat) mindlessly get it done.

Augh, in trying to be productivity, I am again, inundated with all that I want to do and accomplish (oo, while I'm being productive, let's reorganize all my files, both physical and electronic!). Obviously, this will lead to disaster.

One thing at a time, let's create a routine that embeds happiness into one's daily routine so that even the mundane and unpleasant become palatable.

Meaningful Times

Times of fruitfulness.

I like being busy.

I like working.

Ironically (or not so?), every time I find myself in front of a computer to work, I end up playing facebook games or just generally wasting time. Reading blogs, articles people posted, etc.

I have a deadline coming up for work and when I had to sit down and crunch through it (I'm a little more than halfway through now), for some odd reason, I was happy.

Deep down inside, something (me, but not me?) rejoiced. Funny word to use, but apt in this case.

It reminded me of the verse in Ecclesiastes:

"I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil - this is the gift of God."

It's that ridiculous quote: "Happiness is not a destination, but a journey." or whatever.

So hackneyed, but so true. :)

The Labyrinth of My Mind

(of course it's a cliche title... but it works)

Sometimes, I read some of the old stuff I wrote, and I can't tell what the heck I was thinking. Sometimes, the trails of thought I leave behind can be picked up again and continued. I do that with some of my old (extremely unfinished) stories. Yet, with others, I'm just baffled because I really don't write or think in lines or in any logical order. I like to think that most people don't, they've just learned to present it to themselves and the world in a logical/linear manner.

Looking back at my old private thought-files makes me realize my propensity for writing. I'm glad I'm in the field that I am. :)

I am, first and foremost, a human being

We compartmentalize. It makes the cognitive load on our brains lighter.

We categorize. It makes the world an easier place to understand.

We theorize. It makes the way the world works more palatable.

The aftereffects of my literary theory class are so ridiculous, yet I do enjoy the thinking behind what all of them did.

Gender boundaries. Age boundaries. Class boundaries. Racial boundaries. Cultural boundaries. Intellectual boundaries. Religious boundaries.

So many boundaries, while all the similarities across them are glossed over as anomalies.

Yet, in the end, we all have body parts. We all have a brain, more or less.

Citizen of the world.

I really like that idea because yes, there are differences among people - everyone is different - but those boundaries mean little with the similarities that exist.

What's funny is that I find myself having characteristics of a man and of a middle-aged woman (아즘마). I also have a lot in common with the 4th grader that I'm teaching.

Obviously there are vast differences. Perspective, where we're in life, opinions about the mundane and the important, and all those boundaries.

I think what bothers me about those boundaries is that they exist to classify people and those that don't fall under those classifications are weird, different, free-spirited or what have you. What ends up happening is that those classifications are what people see when they look at a person.

She's a white, female, middle-aged woman who is both blind and deaf.

Knowing those simple things automatically makes us categorize her into certain circles, stereotypes and assumptions. She may not be any of them, but instead of denying our stereotypes, we deny her individuality.

"Oh, she just happens to be different."

There are importances in such categorization, but it's definitely irritating to be subject to such categorization when it's inaccurate.

Sadly to say, despite my dislike of it, I am guilty of doing it as well (try as I might not to).

I am my own motivator and my own motivation

Well, this is not true exactly in that I am sometimes more motivated by the people I love to do better and to do well in life.

That aside, my sister told me that she thinks that one of the reasons we suffer in life (i.e. have painful experiences) is so that we can relate to other people with similar experiences on a deeper level. I suppose to put it differently, it allows us to better understand the difficulties people go through because we too have gone through something similar.

I sometimes feel that people want to unload their burdens onto me. More than one person has approached me with that kind of attitude. I suppose this is kind of horrible to do or perhaps this is somewhat heartless, but my approach to these people is that I try to impress upon them the idea that they cannot lean on, they cannot unload, they cannot seek solace outside of themselves. I suppose what it ends up translating to them (and quite unfortunately so) is that they realize they can't lean on me. But that's another discussion, I think.

Now, that's not to say that we shouldn't seek help, advice or sympathy from other people. What I mean is that ultimately, that change, that alleviation of whatever burden they carry, is on them. Other people can help them reach certain conclusions and being around certain types of people allow them to become that "better person," but change is internal. There's very little anyone else can do - it's so cliche but I find it to be very true.

I think perhaps these people are drawn to me because they perceive me as bright (I try to be happy, cheerful and all those nice little things that make people want to be around me - not because I want people around me... but I'll get into that in a bit). I also seem to be very put together (not my conclusion, but what others have put upon me because I disagree) - I'm not sure why but I suppose I come off that way but I suppose I do. They seek warmth because they perceive themselves to be cold. What I realized is that I too have that coldness and I too have that "darkness." Obviously I have burdens and obviously I have troubles. Obviously I have issues that I need to work out.

However, I also refuse to bring people down with me. My troubles are not that big of a deal. My issues can be put aside for two seconds to be courteous to the cashier, or to smile at a baby. I mean really. When I'm in certain situations, I try to put out positive energy because I don't want to be that person that brings everyone down. I don't want to perpetuate any kind of negative stereotypes and I don't want to be that person that adds to someone else's bad day. That doesn't mean that I want the whole world to be my friend, but I also don't want to make the whole world hate me. Does this mean I'm being fake? No, I think if anything, I just want to make the world a better place - with that in mind, I think it's easier for me to act according to those thoughts.

Suddenly, that seemingly bitch lady who cut me off is just someone who's tired and stressed out and feels like the world is out to get her. When someone is nice to her, maybe things will pick up and her day will get a little better. Perhaps that crabby old man never had anyone be polite to him. There's a lot of pain, hurt and anger that would make that man that way. When you see that people are human and they have off-days and circumstances that make them seem less human, you start to realize that you can't get angry at them for what they did to you - they can't help it. What you can change is how you react to them and maybe, just maybe, it'll make things a little better for them.

This is definitely one of those things that are easy in theory and pretty difficult in practice. The counterargument then goes "well what about when I'm having a bad day?" and when you try to be nice to the world and when you have an off day, the world spits in your face, it's pretty discouraging. I dunno. The way I see it, is that I don't expect anything from the world. Especially from people. Just because I try to understand them and see them as more human doesn't mean they'll do the same. They won't understand my situation and they won't even bother trying. Most people are like that because they're too busy thinking about their own troubles. If there are other people like me, I'm thankful and happy. If there aren't, so be it - that's how people generally are.

To think in a more positive way (the word "happierly" comes to mind, though it totally isn't an actual word), the change comes from within. This is why I say I'm my own motivator. Quite unfortunately, I think this also speaks to a darkness in me that requires to have such a motivator, but it's that daily battle to get out of it and to realize that there's more to life than focusing on one's issues and dwelling on difficult things. There are better and more beautiful things in life worth investing one's time in than stupid problems. At least that's the way I try to think.

Ice Cream Wars by John Ashbery

By the title alone, I thought, man! This poem's going to be great!

A quick read-through reveals that it's about something far deeper than ice cream (actually, I'm not even sure I got that there's any reference to ice cream at all...).

And here I thought it was literally about a war with ice cream (Ice cream cannons? Sticky stains of melted sugary goodness instead of blood? All wars should be fought like this!).

Oh well.

For those that are interested, the poem is here.

Poetry

I enjoy it, but sometimes, if it's depressing, I find myself as depressed as the tone of the poem.

Something about poems resonates deeper than the grammatically incorrect, unevenly broken up sentences that comprise a poem.

It's interesting because I think the term that was used to talk about poems that have a lilt and rhythm was lyric. "Song-like." I like that.

I suppose that's why sometimes poetry, like music, evokes something ineffable. 言葉だけ くせに。("even though it's only words" - the Japanese captures the tone I'm trying to get at better imo).

Wake up calls

Today, I was reminded that there's a person I aspire to be. Not what I eventually want to become career-wise, but the person I want to become on a day-to-day basis. Oh, it's stupid little things (like someone who doesn't waste time on 9gag or play stupid Facebook games, i.e. Candy Crush... -_-;;) but it's also lifestyle changes that I've been working on with some success. Working out regularly, eating (relatively) healthy, waking up early, etc.

For various reasons, and through an interesting conversation (that was also eye-opening because of the differences in perspective), I realized that I had forgotten of this person I want to become.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply denying the person I am by aspiring to become someone else, but honestly, I just think that there are two versions of me (in taking them to the extremes).

There's the incredibly unmotivated, somewhat depressed, ridiculously lazy, yet good-natured me. Kind of fat, enjoys a life of mediocrity, but is satisfied with it and simply gets by. This is I think what I end up defaulting to because it's easy.

Then there's the opposite, the diligent, focused, hardworking me who cares about the quality of my life beyond just finding that minimal day-to-day satisfaction. The me that seeks happiness and success in what I do (in the sense of being financially independent doing something I love). Me, who spends my time productively.

I feel like I'm so far from that, yet today reminded me that that's who I want to be and that's why I work, that's why I'm trying to do what I do instead of seeking something simple and easy, instead of doing something that falls into my lap.

I suppose there's two sides to this, but I prefer to think that I'm seeking a path that's worth going to the trouble of doing, rather than doing something that I know I can master in a couple years and then get bored with.

I was also reminded that I want to become a person with depth - that my hobbies and activities help refine me (though not define me - that would be an unfortunate narrowing of who I am) and that I seek to do all these things because there is far more depth to life than some of the pointless mundane things we do.

And yet, very ironically I just wasted the last two hours on 9gag and Candy Crush.

*sigh*

Why I don't consider myself an adult

It's unfortunate, but I associate many adults with a lack of the following:

Honesty. Purity of intention.

There have been two very distinct cases where people have tried to take advantage of me. Why is it that when a child does it, it seems more forgivable? Is it because of their seeming lack of experience and knowledge of the world? Conversely, is that why I feel that adults are more deplorable for having the knowledge and experience, yet deliberately choosing to do something that'll just blow up in their face?

It was a simple situation really.

Basically I'm subbing for someone. People know that and ask things of me that they know the answer to (which is pretty much 'no') so as to take advantage of the fact that I don't really know what I'm doing.

It's honestly quite disappointing of humanity really. I mean I suppose I expected it, but to see it up close and personal... It's ugly and distasteful.

I think this is part of the reason I hate dealing with people who want something from me and I'm even less inclined to give that something to them, whether it's a favor or food... or anything really. (Of course in cases where it's friends and whatever, I'm perfectly fine with people asking - it's just with people I don't know who come to me solely to milk me for whatever they want without any real consideration to me as a person or the time spent for their sake - those are the people that irritate me to no end. Inconveniencing people is one of my pet peeves...)

I suppose I find it hard to understand why people can't be more honest. I mean, granted, no one's perfect, honesty pays of in the end. To see dishonest people and to reveal them for it - I find it disgusting. I hope never to be like that.

One of the people in question has massive problems with one of her children and honestly, I can see why (as horrible as it is to say). I wouldn't want my mom to be like that either. I'd be ashamed of her to the point where I'd be ashamed of being a part of that family. I think that's one of the worst things that can happen in a family... for a child to be ashamed of his parent(s) not for something unreasonable, but for their inherent lack of what I'm going to call "goodness."

I mean for something so small, I wonder if I am spending too much time thinking about it and I may be. Yet, quite sadly, I feel justified in doing so because a breach in a small matter of trust means that the person, by nature is deceptive. You never want to work with those kinds of people.

In seeing the ugliness of other people, I too become ugly. I wish ill upon those people in what I think is the worst way possible - through humiliation. A staggering fall that forces them to see their folly and be on their knees in brokenness asking for forgiveness. In such a way that they change and never commit such a heinous act again.

I suppose I'm over-exaggerating (as usual), but in many ways, it's these little things that rot our society. It creates a stench and fouls up what used to be decent and good. I feel like such deception is what creates a lack of trust in society and a constant questioning of a person's ulterior motives. Yet, what's the alternate solution? Humans are by nature selfish and self-serving. To act out of trust implies acting out of honesty and one can't get what they seek through such methods. Hence the two-facedness.

Perhaps the most irritating bit is that there's little I can do about it, except look the person in the eye with disappointment and simply shake my head at them, turning myself into this hypocritical judge of character who when it really comes down to it, is really no different from her.

I don't like judging people. I don't feel that I have the right to judge people, yet shit like this happens and I'm simply disappointed.

Eh. I suppose arguably everyone has their flaws and what one finds deplorable, others may find tolerable. It's the same way for me and what others think of me...

Acceptance. That is the key to stress-free living, in my opinion.

The power of appearances

I was talking to two friends about this on two separate occasions and it really makes me wonder (of course being in Korea always makes me think of how I look to others... It's sad, really).

I realize it isn't simply about good-looking or bad-looking as much as it's about the atmosphere or I suppose the better word would be carriage of a person. So how the person is treated does come from one's inner workings - i.e. confidence level, personality, thoughts and the person's mood and health at the time of the exchange.

Okay so to backtrack, basically the question or the thought is this:

To what extent are people affected by how they look? What I mean is that based on how a person looks, people around them will treat them a certain way. So a cute, bubbly baby will be treated with more attention and in many ways, love and care by not necessarily their parents alone, but by strangers who meet that baby. So from a very young age, the child is treated "better." Then there's another child who is always fretful and crying. The annoying brats who cry all the time. Perhaps they will be treated with more care and attention by the care-givers, but who wants to be friends with someone like that? That affects children.

As people age, they evolve. Looks evolve and people look better or worse. There are other factors, like people getting fatter or skinnier, there's always plastic surgery, etc.

In Korea, it's really apparent on how people get treated - it's happened to me on several occasions and I somewhat disagree with the obvious favoritism. It isn't just the cute guy/girl getting better treatment, but the more positive, seemingly nicer-looking person gets better treatment, be it freebies, services or general attitude and treatment from the other party.

So then how does that affect a person? Their personality? Their reaction to people?

I mean one could argue that in the end, a person is themselves, but are they really? Do people not realize just how much they are affected by society, culture and the thoughts and opinions of people around them?

Then again, I wonder. Is it just me that feels myself getting pushed and pulled along by these things? Am I simply weak-willed and unable to find my own footing among all these influences?

I think that's why I try to make a point to be nicer to people who look mean, or leave negative impressions. Sometimes people can't help the way they look. It may or may not be an indication of who they are as a person. Sadly though, there are stereotypes and the unfortunate truth is that those stereotypes exist for a reason. A person is perceived to be sinister because somewhere, something inside has caused them to have such an expression.

In the end, I really don't know. I mean it obviously doesn't do well to judge someone based on how they look (and again, this is not based on attractiveness, but more on the impression the person leaves - and not just the first impression). At the same time, I don't think that it's entirely wrong to say that one shouldn't look at a person's carriage (I think that the argument that a person's inner workings is manifested physically isn't entirely inaccurate.).

I suppose the way to go about it would be simply to reserve judgment until proven one way or another, but I would imagine this to be nigh impossible.

Eh. In the end, I prefer to believe in the general good of people. Well, at least in the capability for people to do good. I suppose that's good enough for me.

부푼다

나는 러면처럼 부풀고있다.

I am becoming like soggy noodles.

It doesn't really work in English, I think. Though I don't think it makes much sense in Korean, either.

I'm getting fat. I suppose that was my attempt at saying it in a colorful way.

I don't mean fat. Like fat people fat. I simple mean that everything is jiggling a little more and that my body feels heavier.

It's quite unpleasant.

I need to start working out again.

Voices inside my head

I think I've become more pessimistic in my general outlook on life, but I've definitely also become more inspired - at least that's what the voices in my head tell me.

I suppose what I mean is that I don't necessarily think the best in people anymore (I think I did okay if I've lasted this long ^^) in that I think that now I acknowledge the reality of people's actions. If a person has ill intent, I can now pick up on it. That's probably what it is. I hope it doesn't turn into cynicism though.

I think what it is though, is really my thoughts in terms of how I phrase things. For instance, "these are my thoughts on this topic." sounds perfectly sane and normal. "The voices in my head tell me these things on this topic." sounds crazy and out of control. Probably because someone who doesn't seem to be oneself is telling one things. Honestly though, aren't thoughts kind of like that? When you have conflicting thoughts and feelings, isn't it just that? The voices inside your head are trying to overrule whatever you desire to do. If that is articulated - "I want to eat ice cream" - and you logic yourself out of it - "But I'll get fat" - isn't that a voice that is simply yours telling you that you shouldn't eat ice cream?

I mean it just sounds creepy and weird when such thoughts are expressed in the above manner, but if you think about it, it really is simply a manipulation of a situation to sound one way or another. That's how in a court case, the criminal can be portrayed as the victim, regardless of how heinous the crime.

I've come to realize though that my portrayal of such situations has become less favorable. I don't look at things in such an optimistic light, I guess. It's not good because I need to learn to package things to make them what they are rather than putting in a negative light. I think the hardest thing to do (perhaps even impossible) is to try to present something in a purely neutral manner. I think a lot of thinkers would argue that this is impossible (though I disagree).

At any rate, rather than being more pessimistic, I think I've just changed the way I talk about things and it isn't put in the best light (is that pessimism?) and it reflects a change in my general outlook.

So how does this relate to inspiration? Well if I've started to see things in a more negative light, there's more room for despair and hopelessness in the sense of "well if things suck so much, what's the point of even trying?". Yet I definitely don't feel that way. Perhaps in acknowledging the reality of things (can being more pessimistic be considered as being more real?), I've also realized what I need to do to overcome such things (whether it's negative thinking, mean people, etc.).

Hm. Not sure what it is. I suppose (as is the case with the last entry) I might have to come back to this, but for now, I shall leave it as such.

The desert of the real is a candyland oasis

We live in an era where reality no longer matters.

What Baudrillard despaired over with the desert of the real is no longer a barren land of false realities and crushed expectations. What is happening is a fusion of the real, the hyperreal, and a fiction of reality that one wants to create.

I suppose the thought is this:

If you don't like reality, create one that you find more palatable, but just make sure to acknowledge that it isn't what is really there. Even if it isn't the "truth," who cares, right? You can believe in a rose-colored existence, knowing that it's rose-colored but at least in that opium-riddled cloud of happiness, "harsh" reality will simply be easier to deal with.

Obviously it runs the gamut but if we're all living in the hyperreal anyway, why not create one that's fun and interesting?

I'm not sure if I agree with such thinking yet I find myself guilty of doing exactly that.

"Every cloud has a silver lining."
"Well if you look at it another way, it isn't so bad."
"At least it isn't......"

I mean obviously there's a fine line between optimism and having a false sense of reality but how fine of a line is it really?

Gah. Today my thoughts have been all over the place in a messy, illogical way. I might have to come back and fix this one.

Binaries

Much of the way the world is processed is through binaries. People see things as good/bad, fun/boring, efficient/inefficient, etc.

I realized that the world does not exist in any sort of binary at all. Things simply are and we put these things into categories of binaries. I think that's what a lot of literary theorists, especially post-structuralists try to do away with (the putting of things into binaries, giving things meaning that don't have or shouldn't have meaning, etc.).

The whole idea of a binary is not only flawed because of the fact that binaries are arguably simply a social construct, I realized the whole base of two "things are good or bad" is really wrong because there exists things that are neither good nor bad. Just as there are things that neither immoral nor moral (hence the word amoral). For example, an apple that falls from a tree is neither moral or immoral, it simply is. It can be argued that it is amoral. If the apple falls, hits a man on the head and kills him, this too is considered amoral because it was simply something that happened. Now there can be all sorts of arguments in terms of whether or not the man deserved it, whether it was his fate or whatever but focusing on the apple that fell from the tree, the act in and of itself does not fall into the realm of morality.

The whole idea of duality is in many ways absurd. Even the most basic of binaries (though how basic it is  could be argued) is debatable - male and female. Where do hermaphrodites come into play? Or someone with Down's Syndrome who has the extra X chromosome. A "woman" with a penis or a "man" with breasts (naturally, of course). These people don't fit into a "category" and the binary starts to fall apart.

But then again, the whole desert of the real thing comes into play because if there's no standard, there's no truth and nothing - no foundation - for people to build meaning/beliefs onto. By beliefs, I don't mean religious beliefs, though that is part of it - I mean how people order and understand the world. I think that by and large, such beliefs are built by society and culture, though it really is a dialectic. Perhaps it could be said that what one person says and does that influences another in thought is what creates culture.

I think basically what it is, is that a person can arguably be culture because if they lived on an island they would create whatever lifestyle they wanted. If another person entered the picture, then rules and boundaries would be created. A different culture would be created through the interaction of the two people. That's why when two people (married or otherwise connected) don't interact with the rest of the world, they get "weird" to the outsiders. They've created their own culture. Then, grow that to a family, a group of families, a city and so on and so forth. Culture. Yet culture is fluid because people process things differently and think differently. However, it is not the sum of each individual's thoughts, patterns or culture, it is a compromise or the "mathematical" average of those individuals. There's always a pushing and pulling of one way to another and the way the group thinks or is expected to think has an effect on the individual, growing the thoughts, growing the ideologies and changing or shifting them as a reaction for or against culture. I suppose that's why there's so much talk about mainstream culture, the backlash (think hipsters) and other deviations of what is considered to be the norm. I suppose that's why there's all those talks about how the norm does not exist. Everyone and everything is a derivation of what culture has created to be normal.

My snooty side

Misspelled, it's snotty. Oh language. :P

Perhaps the irony is in that I feel that both words apply.

Snotty because of my immaturity in thinking that I can be snooty.

I do have a snooty voice in my head and it says very snooty things to me in a very snooty voice. It's interesting because it's at times like these when I realize how little I know and how un-entitled to such snootiness I really am.

What a funny word, snooty.

I think I prefer snotty.

Oh the power of suggestions

I watch an anime about baking bread and all I want to do is eat bread. I watch an anime where the character likes ramen and all I want to do is eat ramen.

It's horrible how influence I am about these things. I see melon bread and I want to eat melon bread. -_-;; hahahahaha

What's worse is it isn't limited just to the anime I watch. I saw a billboard and a commercial about burgers and the next time I went out to eat, what did I feel like eating? Yes, a burger.

Ridiculous how the subconscious works. Or is it subliminal messaging? Whatever.

Anyway, talking of all this food has made me hungry. I want ramen.

This is me, it seems

1. I have difficulty getting organized.
2. When given a task, I usually procrastinate rather than doing it right away.
3. I work on a lot of projects, but can't seem to complete most of them.
4. I tend to make decisions and act on them impulsively- like spending money, getting sexually involved with someone, diving into new activities, and changing plans.
5. I get bored easily.
6. No matter how much I do or how hard I try, I just can't seem to reach my goals.
7. I often get distracted when people are talking; I just tune out or drift off.
8. I get so wrapped up in some things I do that I can hardly stop to take a break or switch to doing something else.
9. I tend to overdo things even when they're not good for me -- like compulsive shopping, drinking too much, overworking, and overeating.
10. I get frustrated easily and I get impatient when things are going too slowly.
11. My self-esteem is not as high as that of others I know.
12. I need a lot of stimulation from things like action movies and video games, new purchases, being among lively friends, driving fast or engaging in extreme sports.
13. I tend to say or do things without thinking, and sometimes that gets me into trouble.
14. I'd rather do things my own way than follow the rules and procedures of others.
15. I often find myself tapping a pencil, swinging my leg, or doing something else to work off nervous energy.
16. I can feel suddenly depressed when I'm separated from people, projects or things that I like to be involved with.
17. I see myself differently than others see me, and when someone gets angry with me for doing something that upset them I'm often very surprised.
18. Even though I worry a lot about dangerous things that are unlikely to happen to me, I tend to be careless and accident prone.
19. Even though I have a lot of fears, people would describe me as a risk taker.
20. I make a lot of careless mistakes.
21. I have blood relatives who suffer from ADD, depression, bipolar disorder, or substance abuse.

So for those that know me, it's funny because almost everything on this list has been used to describe me ('cept the last one) at one point in my life or another. The key to this list is that I've dealt with these "symptoms" for pretty much all my life. The thing about this is that what I've read, basically everyone displays these symptoms, it's just if you've dealt with them for a really long time, it's more of an indicator that you have ADD (or ADHD, if it's severe).

So I'm back to looking into this whole ADD thing - I suppose because despite an informal diagnosis from a doctor friend and the research I've done, I still can't really decide whether or not I have ADD. I mean people often think I do and sometimes I think I do, but I think somewhere in the recesses of my brain, since I haven't received any formal confirmation, I still don't quite believe it.

Well, I suppose either way, it's just interesting to look into.

My newest theory on my inability to focus (outside of the fact that I haven't exercises in the last couple days) is (again) with Marx. The thing about working to live or whatever - "You are what you work" kind of struck a chord with me. Am I really living through the things that I do? When am I truly "alive" or living out the things that define/make me me? There are so many things that people do that they don't want to do (outside of the chores and things that make us into the responsible adults that we're supposed to be) but that aside, when people mindlessly watch TV or do something that they aren't engaged in - is that not another form of what Marx called "estranged labor" (essentially work that does not have the self in it)? When one is not invested or engaged in the things that one does, is that not a departure of the self?

But I suppose the counterargument is that one cannot live this life without doing things that require a departure from the self - I mean how invested can you be in doing the dishes or cleaning unless one actively enjoys doing just menial tasks? But there are people that do! Does that mean everyone has to? And then again, since I said outside of the daily chores that one should be doing, what about watching TV? The psychological/cognitive science (I forget which branch it was) mentioned the whole thing about cognitive load - like if you're thinking too much (or use your brain too much), you need to "relax" or rest your brain or else it'll fry (obviously not literally). Well, that's the thing, I wonder if there are more "self"-like activities than just being a vegetable that we now call relaxing.

I don't know. I suppose all activities, including the ones that one is interested in, require a certain amount of cognitive load - it's just that doing work that one dislikes requires a heavier load it seems (because you're forcing yourself to go the opposite way you want to go) so you wear yourself out more, right? (I make this statement quite warily because I don't know if there's any basis for it - I feel like I might've heard something somewhere about this but since I can't remember my source, I'm just going to pretend I made it up).

How I get work done, apparently

From a friend's blog (knowing her nature, she probably wouldn't want me to link it, so I won't):

"this is how ruth writes her papers. :p

it's like magic.

jkkkkkkkk don't kill me! haha."

And then from my profile picture on fb:

"This is how I find my sister 'studying' :-P" -my sister

So apparently my studying gets done by me sleeping. ^^;; It's true though - when I concentrate a lot or too much, I (sadly) get really sleepy. So what happens? I take a nap. Or, as of late, play Tetris Battle. It helps me process what I just learned (I actually mean that in all honesty). There was this study done where researchers had a group of people do a hard math problem and gave them the same amount of time to solve it with one group sleeping in between that and the other group just staying up and trying to work through it. The group that slept got to the answer faster. Pretty much what they said happened is that while you sleep, your brain makes connections that it normally wouldn't while awake so sometimes solutions to problems will arise from sleeping. This is also why people sometimes have really weird dreams.

Anyway, I did a quick search online and it seems that the study has been replicated (I think the one I read was done by Northwestern) but the one I found online is here.

So that thought aside, the sad truth is that although I "study" in this manner, in the end, what happens is I get very little studying done and hope that somewhere in the recesses of my brain, I'll have remembered the material. -_-;; Thankfully I do absorb a lot during class and thus have less to study, but it doesn't change the fact that I have become extremely unproductive at studying.

This article thankfully helped me realize that I really do enjoy what I'm doing, and that I'm just not used to being happy "working." This I think is in part because I still very much subscribe (however unconsciously) to the Marxist idea of "estranged labor" in that the work I do is not who I am and that outside of work is where I need to define myself. However, this fails when I am trying to do work that I enjoy because I cannot alienate myself from my work and truthfully, I don't want to divorce myself from it. So it's a growing/learning process to force myself to do the things that I like (as paradoxical as it sounds).

Btw, to explain "estranged labor," it's summed up pretty much by "I live to work and I work to live." The self (in what makes a person human and what defines the self, which Marx says are the activities one does) has been denied, objectified and alienated because the work that one does is not an expression of the self (nor does the person feel any kind of connection to it and in the same token, does the person have ownership of such work) and so by doing work that is not one's own, one actively participates in what Marx called the "mortification" of man (pretty much you are slowly killing yourself by doing work that you do not feel ownership of). It's kind of a given nowadays that the work one does is separate from the self but Marx points this out and I agree that there is something inherently wrong with that.

Anyway, it's kind of all over the place because I think that I still have some tweaking to do (in what I've learned - I think I'm still kind of off-target in my accuracy in describing Marx and other things I've learned so far) but (poor explanation aside), what all this thinking boils down to is that I need to stop stressing/worrying about my grades and simply execute/live because I am working to live in a way that will define who I am and not as a means to simply exist (as Marx roughly put it).

Bakhtin

"Language - like the living concrete environment in which the consciousness of the verbal artist lives - is never unitary."

Finally! A literary theorist whose writing I enjoy!

Well for now (since I'm not done reading him). I just like how he calls a writer a "verbal artist". It makes writing seem more like a craft - an art than simply a means of communication.

The mind and body

So this is kind of an extension from the previous post but it turned into something completely different and random so I separated the post. If you think about it, what one's body does and what one thinks one's body should do are often times at odds with each other. Like with the fat thing (see previous post), your mind tells you that food is good, you like cookies and thus, you will eat all the cookies in the bag when your body is very clearly telling you to stop eating because you're full and you want to throw up. Your brain overrides those concerns and you eat until you barf.

Why is that? When did our minds take so much precedence over our bodies to the point where we are quite literally working them to death? Working, eating, even the very idea of self-control implies this. Well, self-control is something else, I think (I'll get to that in a bit). When our bodies are tired, we force ourselves to stay awake or do all sorts of fun things (coffee, energy drinks, caffeine pills) to keep our bodies awake. And ironically, trying to keep the body awake like that decreases the functionality of the mind and body...

It's an interesting thing, the mind.

The very idea of self-control is interesting, too, if you think about it. Why must one tell oneself to stop doing something? Or why must one restrict oneself? I suppose this stems from an idea that the mind and body are one or whole, thus self-control shouldn't be necessary. So the very premise of the idea that the mind and body are one is flawed.

If the mind and body is not one, then it makes sense that one must exercise self-control in order to check the collisions of the mind and body, i.e. my mind wants my body to do this, but my body often will not respond accordingly or will not listen.

It works the other way too in the sense that one must exercise self-control because one does not have control over their body regardless of what one's mind tells them to do. With the eating analogy, it becomes, "My hand keeps reaching into the bag of chips even though my mind is telling me that I should stop."

But self-control also implies that there is a battle within the mind as well because there implies that you want to do more than one thing and you must stop yourself from doing one or more of those things.

Freud would've called the two sides of this battle the id and the superego but I hesitate to do so because I find his definitions somewhat inadequate. If anything, there is a battle of wills - what you want to do, what you should do, what you think you should do, what you've been told to do, etc. Perhaps one could argue that there are many sides - that there are multiple "wills" that are at odds with each other and that one must exercise self-control to do what is determined to be appropriate for that situation (though often times this does not happen). Like when you tell yourself that you should start your homework as soon as you get home and before you realize it, it's bedtime. What just happened there? Which "will" took over? Where was your mind then?

Eh. This one feels half-baked still. I suppose I still have to work on this thought but there is a separation with the mind and body and to me, that in and of itself is quite interesting.

Fat People

I've been going on tirades about this with some friends and I suppose living in Asia for 3 1/2 years has contributed to this and hopefully after saying my piece here, I'll finally be able to stop fat people-hating.

I don't hate fat people per se. I don't like people who are fat who complain about being fat and turn around and eat three glazed donuts. I don't like that fat people are celebrated in ways that they shouldn't be. The excuses (many of the times) is pure bullshit and I'm actually pretty heartless about it.

Now, keep in mind, there's a vast difference between fat and curvy. VAST. Curvy simply means you have a lot of curves, big boobs, big butt, big thighs, etc. You can't help it. That's fine, beautiful, and in this culture, celebrated. However, you can help the fat on those curves. That's what I mean by fat. I mean the fat as in it's tiring for you to get up and sit down. I mean the fat where people have to move aside to let you through. I mean the fat where it gets in the way for your daily life, where it starts affecting your health. I'm talking about the fat where your stomach sticks out so much that it's difficult to bend over and for women, people often mistake you for being pregnant. I'm talking about the fat on your body - call it body percent fat, where it folds over on itself and there are rolls. There are a multitude of excuses people have and it's all bullshit.

"I can't help it." Yes you can. Eat less. Start exercising. Then perhaps try to start eating healthier. FIGURE IT OUT. Humans were not created to be dumb - we have the one characteristic that other animals don't have, which is a history of knowledge that allows us to learn from dumb things humans did in the past (though some situations and some repeated mistakes indicate that perhaps humans will never learn......). We also are extremely adaptable - your body will get used to it and the results will show. Stop being a baby about it. Personally, I'd rather die still being able to move than being bedridden and crawling just to get around. Perhaps that's just me.

"I'm beautiful for the way I am." No, you're simply being unhealthy. I don't care how beautiful you think you are, you're going to die a horrible death. Okay, I'm exaggerating. A little. Seriously, the health risks go up exponentially when you're fat. Think about it.

"It's a family condition." And yet, there's so much one can do to alleviate such things. Humans were not created equal physically speaking. Some people are tall, others are short. Some have curly hair, others straight. Some have perfect skin, others have to deal with acne for the rest of their lives. Some people are hairy, others are pretty much hairless. People have genetic predispositions to things, yes, I get that. Just because it's "unfair" that the skinny bitch-friend you have can eat just about anything and not get fat does not give you an excuse to do the same. Some people can't eat the same things others can - that's just the way it works. Same thing with food allergies and lactose intolerance. FIGURE IT OUT. Just because one is more predisposed to obesity doesn't mean that one will be stuck being obese. No one who has a genetic predisposition for cancer is going to sit there and actively contribute to getting that cancer, now are they? How does it make any sense that someone with a genetic predisposition towards obesity will try to contribute to their obesity?

"But it's so good." So is smoking to people who can't quit. It doesn't change the fact that you're slowly eating yourself to death. (Yes, it's another extreme way of putting it, but sometimes I wonder, is it really?)

Now, that's not to say that food addiction doesn't exist. That is a problem and I remember watching this TV show where the person was likening their food addiction with a drug addiction. The person said, "Try telling a heroine addict that they can only have a small amount of heroine, three times a day." It's pretty much impossible to do, y'know? In that sense, the problem is far more complex than simply "Stop eating so much and exercise." So yes, I get that obesity with certain people is a problem. For the vast majority of Americans, it's simply laziness and complacency because people don't think it's that big of a deal. I say Americans because the rest of the world (at least what little I've seen of it) is not that fat or that unhealthy.

What's the problem with Americans? The food sucks. Oh, but what about the decadence? It isn't decadent, it's just sugar, butter and oil. Seriously, where are the flavors? Oh, MSG? Yeah, that's not really all that good. Try not to have it for a while. When you try to eat it again, it's actually kind of really nasty. The very food culture of America is why Americans are so freaking fat. If I want to go out and eat, my choices are severely limited by the fact that I want to eat healthy. So what do I do? I end up eating at home. Cooking's hard, especially for people who don't like it. So basically there's this problem of not cooking and going out to eat or buying things that are easy to make and it all being full of preservatives and all sorts of other nasty things.

But that's not an excuse. Fat is fat. Fat is unhealthy. And it's gross.

That's not to say that the skinny people out there are necessarily any better. Bulimia, anorexia and the rest stem from this problem with body image. Yes yes yes, everyone wants to look good, media promotes that women (and men to a certain extent) have to look a certain way, blah blah blah. This conversation's been reiterated so many times it's nauseating to rehash.

What it comes down to is this: if you think you're fat, how healthy are you? Do you exercise regularly? Do you eat healthy? (and don't be forgiving, I mean healthy to an extreme - few desserts, cutting out a vast majority of the unhealthy fat and sugar, etc. People's diets will differ because different types of food work differently with different people - just the way it is. Some people can process a lot of carbs, others need to cut down on them, etc.) Do you overeat a lot? I actually think this is one of the biggest problems in America. The portions are HUGE and for whatever reason, everyone feels like they need to finish everything. When you overeat, the only person to suffer is you. It's like shooting yourself in the foot and trying to run a marathon. You aren't going to get very far. Why would you do that to yourself?

If you're doing all the above and you still think you're fat, then y'know what? Hey, you're doing what you can and I have nothing to say. Power to you. You probably look better than you think you do. And you probably feel a lot better too. That's what's important. If you feel healthy, then honestly, who gives a crap about how you look? (Note that feeling good has nothing to do with it - there is a difference.)

The sad thing about this post though, is that I too am guilty of eating unhealthy. Like I said, the culture tends to that. We celebrate birthdays with a cake. We bake people cookies/baked good for various reasons or give out candy to children for various holidays (Easter, Halloween, etc.). Candy and chocolate make quick snacks.

I like my chocolate. I think though, what people don't realize is how unhealthy these things are. Everything in moderation - that's the key to health (or so I've heard). Yet the amount of sugar in one cookie, or in one cupcake or doughnut already exceeds that "moderation" or balance that one apparently should seek when it comes to sugar/fat intake. In the end, I don't know. I guess it was a pretty big shock to me when I came back to America and I went from being "normal" in Asia to "skinny." And I don't think I'm particularly skinny because I associate skinny with unhealthy too.

And when it comes down to it, I shouldn't even be judging people for what they eat, especially because I'm not perfect either. I keep going through these ridiculous phases of various types of unhealthy food - chocolate (though dark chocolate is healthier and thankfully, it's also what I like), doughnuts (this one was bad), red velvet anything (mainly cakes and cupcakes).... Still, I try to keep the portions down (usually 1/4 or less of what is there...). And because I've been eating healthier, eating less and exercising pretty much every day, my body rejects all the fatty crap that I shouldn't be eating. My body complains when I eat too much grease and I'm thankful for that because then I listen and I stop.

Anyway, I started going on this huge random tangent, but now I'm going to make it into a separate post.

So yeah. Fat people. I don't hate them. I just think they're the epitome of unhealthiness and laziness. Yes, I'm overgeneralizing. I have several bigger friends and I don't judge them for being the size that they are. I worry about their health and encourage them to be healthy (which is pretty much all I can do as a friend, right?) but I don't judge them simply because of their size. I think what it comes down to is that the very existence of a group of people who are unhealthy to the point where it physically manifests itself is why I am so heartless to the idea of fat people (moreso than the individuals themselves). And in many ways, I blame culture for it.

Eh, it's a problem that can't be solved, which is why I think I bitch about it so much. Maybe somewhere in my head, I think that if I talk about it enough, the problem will spontaneously get fixed somehow. *shrug*

Crowds

Came across a random realization and it's quite an unfortunate one, I think.

I realized I have thoughts that I want to write down somewhere or do something with (turn into a story or a blog post or something) and then other thoughts will creep in (sometimes completely irrelevant) and I will forget what I was thinking about. It happens more often than I like to admit. I suppose I found the initial thoughts to be interesting in some way or another but then other thoughts get in the way of that.

Thoughts that crowd out other thoughts. It was interesting to (quite ironically) think about.

The things I do

Why do you...?
What's the point of...?
Is it worth...?

I realized that for a lot of the things that I do, the answer is very simple. "Because I like it." "Because I enjoy it."

I mean there are deeper reasons, I suppose and I would be lying if I said that society and the eyes of society weren't a factor.

But when it comes down to it, that's what it is. I enjoy being healthy. I enjoy having a healthy lifestyle. I enjoy pursuing things that I have an interest in.

There's no point in doing something you think is a waste of time. Either embrace it as a hobby or discard it. Who cares what people think? If you enjoy what you enjoy, then pursue it.

I think that I can justify a lot of things that I do. I don't mean in the sense of "Oh, I'm building character" or anything like that. It really just boils down to that: I like it. I find it enjoyable.

I suppose it's a little simplistic. To get into it a little more, if you're shirking responsibility to do something that you consider a waste of time, then there's a problem. However, if during your free time, you're "wasting time" doing something - why do it? There's no point, is there? Either embrace the fact that you're doing something that could be perceived as a waste of time, or stop doing it. That's really what it boils down to especially at my age, I think.

Just the right motivation at just the right time

I realize that I don't listen to anyone. Pretty much no one, if I try to list names. I don't listen to authority because I simply don't care. I mean I'm not a rebel. I don't sit blatantly go against people I don't care about or care about for that matter. I try to be a good person. I listen to what people have to say, I help when I can, and as much as I can, I try not to do it for anyone else but for that person, or for myself. It may sound selfish that I'm helping others for myself (there apparently can be a whole philosophical debate on altruism...), but I think it's better than doing something to look good in front of others. The unfortunate truth is that I do do that. I try not to, but I do. That's why I try so hard not to do things to look good in front of others. I have a tendency to go in that direction (oh, but doesn't everyone?) so I stop myself when I catch myself doing something for the sake of reputation, looks or whatever else you want to call it. I think that's part of the reason why I have so much fear of being recognized as a "local" in a certain area or being known as something. I get branded as something, and then in many ways, I almost feel like I'm forced to act according to my brand. I have to meet those expectations or else people's opinion of me goes down. Those expectations that I know I'm not going to meet is what makes me want to travel. To be unknown, yet do good. That's what I came to realize I want to do. I suppose the counterargument is that other people's opinions don't matter and yes, to a certain extent they don't. What sucks is actually, they kind of do, because if you want to do something with your life or get somewhere, do something, those very people whose opinions you've chosen not to care about could help you get to that point. That's why they say networking is so important and that's why in many ways, sometimes, I just want to be a hermit in a mountain somewhere. I mean then it becomes "well you just need to look good in front of them." No. That's my answer. No. I am me. I think what it is, is that I don't want to change myself or compromise myself in the name of looking good in front of others. Eh. It's a long and hackneyed discussion. Let us move on.

In the end, is my desire not to have a title, not to be associated or branded as a certain type of person just running away from responsibility and taking consequences for one's actions? To do good is one thing, but to constantly do good is another and it's something that I've come to realize I can't do. I can't do constant. Consistency is something I severely lack and I've always severely lacked (I can trace it to the age of 12, when I started to stay up late to finish my homework...). I wonder though, with the new year, if I can really change that. Oh please don't let it just be a new years resolution. That's just stupid. That's why I never liked new years resolutions. Why does a resolution, a re-evaluation of oneself have to come during the new year? One should constantly be re-evaluating oneself. It doesn't happen which is why people do it during the new year, but I suppose I just don't like that it's only done once a year and then the next 11 months of the year become a glaring reminder of what people view as their shortcomings. Eh.

So going back to this idea of listening to people - I suppose their advice or their opinions on things. When it comes to life, if I don't feel that I need to listen to you, or if I feel that your experience and knowledge aren't complete - in the sense that what I know and what I've been through is comparable, I won't blatantly undermine your experience and knowledge, but I will undermine your opinion. It isn't in any disrespectful way - as in I won't disregard or discredit what you have to say - the point is that everyone can be wrong. We only know the lense of what society and history as taught us. However hackneyed life lessons are, we don't fully understand it until we've experienced it ourselves. That's why people can talk about love, suffering, hate, relationships and all sorts of issues but unless they've personally experienced it, they really don't know the depth of those things. People can talk about these things apart from living it and it becomes a logical formula that people just need to follow. However, it isn't as simple as that. I think that's why when it comes to a lot of life decisions, I ask a lot of people. Not because I don't value certain people's opinions, but because I don't think anyone has the right answer. In the end, our decisions are our own - however we choose to make of them. That's why I value the opinion of the Bible. It has life. It understands the human condition. We may think we have it, but we really don't - that's why there are still those stupid sayings, those stupid motivational speakers, those stupid nudgings everywhere that tell us to stop living the life we're living because something about it is inherently wrong. It's interesting because at least after industrialization, it's been that way.

Anyway, I digress yet again. I could rant on and on about life yet reach no conclusion.

I talked to my dad. He's a wonderful man, really. He's so ambitious and it really is inspiring to see him work and to remember where he's come from and what he's accomplished despite such humble beginnings. I realized after talking to him that he's one of the few people I'll listen to. It isn't because he's lived his life perfectly or because he's all-knowing or always right. He just knows the reality of life. It's usually something simple "we do things because we have to" but contains so much truth. I don't know - it was something I'd been telling myself these past couple of weeks I'd been so useless but I suppose hearing it from him made the difference.

Anyway, I love my parents. That was really the point of this entry though it's gone in circles to other directions. ^^

Old Posts

Sometimes I start posts/thoughts that I mean to post (I only have like 3 really) but when I go back to finish them, I realize that I no longer care to finish that thought/post. Basically, if I've thought something out in my head, it's difficult for me to go back and complete on "paper." In other words, if the thought's been completed and I've reached some kind of conclusion, it doesn't need to be jotted down. It almost makes me question whether or not I should be writing them in the first place. What's equally unfortunate is that if I've come to some conclusion, I do like to think that I've absorbed the lesson learned and moved on, but more often than not, I find myself coming across the very same conclusion I had made years ago, simply because I've reached it and forgotten it, like a dusty old box of memories that I found in the attic of my brain. Eh. I suppose the new thing that I'm trying to do is to take these "conclusions" that I've reached and do something about it.

작심삼일. It roughly translates to 3 days of passion (after which one's passion and drive completely dies). It's what is described as the motivation that a person has to do something that lasts a very short period of time. This is what my action based on my conclusion is like. How to change such things?

Oh new years, why do you make one think of such things?

I wish I could liken myself to Coleridge, who was told that he would amount to nothing for lack of concentration and ambition to see a project through. In the end, I'm just latching onto less favorable qualities of famous writers so as to justify those same qualities I see in myself so that I could validate my desire to be a writer in some way or another. It's funny how many times I roll my eyes at myself.

Concentration Level: 0

Seriously, two weeks (or less than that, I think). I cannot concentrate worth anything. I suppose it's been like this for a while, but it's been far worse. I think I'm cut out for teaching. I taught for more than 3 hours straight with no problem at all. I've been trying to work (my real job) and I cannot for the life of me work longer than  30 minute blocks.

Doing the undesirable? Yes, but I like this job. I like my boss. It's not enough. Gah.

I needta stop complaining but seriously, my head's going to explode. T.T