I am my own motivator and my own motivation

Well, this is not true exactly in that I am sometimes more motivated by the people I love to do better and to do well in life.

That aside, my sister told me that she thinks that one of the reasons we suffer in life (i.e. have painful experiences) is so that we can relate to other people with similar experiences on a deeper level. I suppose to put it differently, it allows us to better understand the difficulties people go through because we too have gone through something similar.

I sometimes feel that people want to unload their burdens onto me. More than one person has approached me with that kind of attitude. I suppose this is kind of horrible to do or perhaps this is somewhat heartless, but my approach to these people is that I try to impress upon them the idea that they cannot lean on, they cannot unload, they cannot seek solace outside of themselves. I suppose what it ends up translating to them (and quite unfortunately so) is that they realize they can't lean on me. But that's another discussion, I think.

Now, that's not to say that we shouldn't seek help, advice or sympathy from other people. What I mean is that ultimately, that change, that alleviation of whatever burden they carry, is on them. Other people can help them reach certain conclusions and being around certain types of people allow them to become that "better person," but change is internal. There's very little anyone else can do - it's so cliche but I find it to be very true.

I think perhaps these people are drawn to me because they perceive me as bright (I try to be happy, cheerful and all those nice little things that make people want to be around me - not because I want people around me... but I'll get into that in a bit). I also seem to be very put together (not my conclusion, but what others have put upon me because I disagree) - I'm not sure why but I suppose I come off that way but I suppose I do. They seek warmth because they perceive themselves to be cold. What I realized is that I too have that coldness and I too have that "darkness." Obviously I have burdens and obviously I have troubles. Obviously I have issues that I need to work out.

However, I also refuse to bring people down with me. My troubles are not that big of a deal. My issues can be put aside for two seconds to be courteous to the cashier, or to smile at a baby. I mean really. When I'm in certain situations, I try to put out positive energy because I don't want to be that person that brings everyone down. I don't want to perpetuate any kind of negative stereotypes and I don't want to be that person that adds to someone else's bad day. That doesn't mean that I want the whole world to be my friend, but I also don't want to make the whole world hate me. Does this mean I'm being fake? No, I think if anything, I just want to make the world a better place - with that in mind, I think it's easier for me to act according to those thoughts.

Suddenly, that seemingly bitch lady who cut me off is just someone who's tired and stressed out and feels like the world is out to get her. When someone is nice to her, maybe things will pick up and her day will get a little better. Perhaps that crabby old man never had anyone be polite to him. There's a lot of pain, hurt and anger that would make that man that way. When you see that people are human and they have off-days and circumstances that make them seem less human, you start to realize that you can't get angry at them for what they did to you - they can't help it. What you can change is how you react to them and maybe, just maybe, it'll make things a little better for them.

This is definitely one of those things that are easy in theory and pretty difficult in practice. The counterargument then goes "well what about when I'm having a bad day?" and when you try to be nice to the world and when you have an off day, the world spits in your face, it's pretty discouraging. I dunno. The way I see it, is that I don't expect anything from the world. Especially from people. Just because I try to understand them and see them as more human doesn't mean they'll do the same. They won't understand my situation and they won't even bother trying. Most people are like that because they're too busy thinking about their own troubles. If there are other people like me, I'm thankful and happy. If there aren't, so be it - that's how people generally are.

To think in a more positive way (the word "happierly" comes to mind, though it totally isn't an actual word), the change comes from within. This is why I say I'm my own motivator. Quite unfortunately, I think this also speaks to a darkness in me that requires to have such a motivator, but it's that daily battle to get out of it and to realize that there's more to life than focusing on one's issues and dwelling on difficult things. There are better and more beautiful things in life worth investing one's time in than stupid problems. At least that's the way I try to think.

Ice Cream Wars by John Ashbery

By the title alone, I thought, man! This poem's going to be great!

A quick read-through reveals that it's about something far deeper than ice cream (actually, I'm not even sure I got that there's any reference to ice cream at all...).

And here I thought it was literally about a war with ice cream (Ice cream cannons? Sticky stains of melted sugary goodness instead of blood? All wars should be fought like this!).

Oh well.

For those that are interested, the poem is here.

Poetry

I enjoy it, but sometimes, if it's depressing, I find myself as depressed as the tone of the poem.

Something about poems resonates deeper than the grammatically incorrect, unevenly broken up sentences that comprise a poem.

It's interesting because I think the term that was used to talk about poems that have a lilt and rhythm was lyric. "Song-like." I like that.

I suppose that's why sometimes poetry, like music, evokes something ineffable. 言葉だけ くせに。("even though it's only words" - the Japanese captures the tone I'm trying to get at better imo).

Wake up calls

Today, I was reminded that there's a person I aspire to be. Not what I eventually want to become career-wise, but the person I want to become on a day-to-day basis. Oh, it's stupid little things (like someone who doesn't waste time on 9gag or play stupid Facebook games, i.e. Candy Crush... -_-;;) but it's also lifestyle changes that I've been working on with some success. Working out regularly, eating (relatively) healthy, waking up early, etc.

For various reasons, and through an interesting conversation (that was also eye-opening because of the differences in perspective), I realized that I had forgotten of this person I want to become.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply denying the person I am by aspiring to become someone else, but honestly, I just think that there are two versions of me (in taking them to the extremes).

There's the incredibly unmotivated, somewhat depressed, ridiculously lazy, yet good-natured me. Kind of fat, enjoys a life of mediocrity, but is satisfied with it and simply gets by. This is I think what I end up defaulting to because it's easy.

Then there's the opposite, the diligent, focused, hardworking me who cares about the quality of my life beyond just finding that minimal day-to-day satisfaction. The me that seeks happiness and success in what I do (in the sense of being financially independent doing something I love). Me, who spends my time productively.

I feel like I'm so far from that, yet today reminded me that that's who I want to be and that's why I work, that's why I'm trying to do what I do instead of seeking something simple and easy, instead of doing something that falls into my lap.

I suppose there's two sides to this, but I prefer to think that I'm seeking a path that's worth going to the trouble of doing, rather than doing something that I know I can master in a couple years and then get bored with.

I was also reminded that I want to become a person with depth - that my hobbies and activities help refine me (though not define me - that would be an unfortunate narrowing of who I am) and that I seek to do all these things because there is far more depth to life than some of the pointless mundane things we do.

And yet, very ironically I just wasted the last two hours on 9gag and Candy Crush.

*sigh*