Literature

I think part of the reason I like reading books that have a different cultural background than America or England is because of the idea of identity. I think that identity is so completely played out at least in the Asian American sense of "I'm neither here nor there, I'm neither white nor fully Asian" blah blah blah.

I think that I like the kind of literature where the cultural aspects are taken for granted (like Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami) because then you get to see the people beyond just the culture and the lens of culture molding the person's entire character. It's about individual struggles just with a slightly different background. I feel like those kind of books are more timeless than those "Who am I? What's my identity?" type of books. But I realized that a lot of these types of books are in translation and so it's obvious that those things are going to be taken for granted. I wonder if a novel by an Asian American where the novel doesn't address identity at all is possible. I'm sure there's good literature out there but I haven't read enough Asian American literature to really know.

At any rate, I like that divorce of culture and identity because even in real life, people look at other people for their culture rather than who they really are. I get bored by that. I mean it's cool learning about different cultures ("How does your country do it?") but there's definitely more to people than their country (or at least I like to think there is, right?). I dunno. What makes a person three-dimensional? Their interests? The quirks in their personality? Our seemingly individual emotions that everyone happens to feel at one time or another? Or are we all just definable by our race, jobs, religion and personality traits that we closely relate to though it doesn't define all of who we are?

"Define yourself in one word." I guess I could, but I prefer not to. "Define yourself in three words." "Happy-go-lucky. Eccentric. At times, boring." I dunno, if you really think about it, no one is what they "define" themselves to be all the time. Right? I can be happy-go-lucky but honestly, the pressures of society are definitely getting to me. It's dumb I think. But I can't help it. So does that make me "serious"? I don't like those associations or being pigeon-holed into such definitions. Break all the boundaries and all the rules, I say! (or try to at least)

Meh.

So it goes.

On a completely different note, I realized that whenever I think to write something (or blog it), it never quite comes out the way I envision it to in my head. It's weird (and annoying) and sometimes I feel like I wrote so much or something at least with a little bit of profundity to find that it's actually quite short and worse, not really all that profound. As it says in Ecclesiastes (I think), "There is nothing new under the sun." I think some author quoted it too. But it's true and sometimes everything I say, though the emotion is new to me, still seems played out in retrospect. That sucks man. I wish I could be more original that I really am.

Meh.

Such is life, I suppose.

Reading

I realized that reading for me is like talking to another person or really just listening to another person tell me a story. There are always different voices and when I start reading a new book, it always takes a page or two (or an entire chapter sometimes) for me to adjust to the author's voice.

I don't think I ever noticed that until relatively recently.

Every time I blog...

So I didn't know that blogger had this feature where you can check the comments that people wrote in the past. It's a good way to see if anyone commented on your blog without having to go through each individual entry. That's always nice. On the other hand, I also realized that I haven't been responding to any of the comments because I kind of didn't know people responded. (sorry).

At any rate, one thing I realized while working at this company is that if I don't like someone, I don't like them for good. My opinion about them completely changes and it's hard for me to fix that. I can be somewhat civil but I'm almost like a time bomb because most likely than not, something that person does will annoy me and I will turn into a cold bitch. It's really terrible. I never had to work with someone I didn't like (usually I was the irresponsible one so people probably hated me instead ^^;; heh~) so now coming into a company where I've come across several people that I don't really like makes working with them quite difficult. I realized though, that perhaps this is what it means to work with people despite personal feelings and what it means to grow up and all that jazz. I never knew I could be so cold-hearted. It's really kind of scary actually. I feel like it's aging me because I'm no longer the positive, outgoing, nice person that I associated myself to be (I don't mean it in a braggy way as much as I thought that I was pretty positive comparatively to a lot of people and I know I'm outgoing and I always thought I was at least a nice person...... -_-;;). I suppose such is not the case. I'm not used to pretending to be one way when I feel another (i.e. not wanting to work with someone shows all over my face at work). Sadly to say, I feel like it happened with my co-worker (who incidentally pretty much got fired) and I feel like to a certain extent it's happening with me and my boss.

I don't hate him or anything like that but I definitely feel like he's pretty irresponsible as a manager and he doesn't know how to schedule/plan. I mean in the end, you work with what you have and I definitely have a lot of respect for him in terms of his marketing strategies and all that, but he really doesn't know how to manage our team and I'm afraid that my attitude shows. I really need to learn to fix my poker face (because I don't have one). Heh. At the same time, I don't want to have to "fix" my poker face. Where did all the purity of my thoughts and feelings go? I'd rather not have to hide my feelings and just be able to come to terms with my boss's working style and just be able to deal. How irritating.

I wonder if getting older just means finding out that you're not the person you thought you were and becoming more aware of your glaring flaws (like how irresponsible I can be). I never knew how irritatingly sensitive I was. It's one of those things where I sit back and go, geez I need to get over myself. I like to think I'm getting better, but who knows.

That aside, I'm almost done with work. I think another month or two, and my boss will let me quit. I kind of blew up on him and I think that it kind of scarred him. ^^;; He kind of looks at me differently. O.o That was probably a bad choice on my part -lesson learned. At least it works in my favor though. Now I can quit without as much resistance and properly prep for grad school.

Oh yes, for the (very) few readers out there, I postponed grad school to work at this company - loved the job at first, still kind of like it but realized that I'm only getting older and need to start on my career path. Hence, I'm quitting and getting ready for grad school. Gonna try to find a BS job where the working hours are strictly 9-5 (or whatever) so I can clock out and study! Or might just do some freelance. Not sure.

Plans to go to Japan in September.

And, to totally brag about my travels, here's my tentative yearly plan:
Feb - Bali for a week
March - Chicago for a week
April - Chicago/Cali for a week (continued from the March trip)
May - SOUTHEAST ASIA BABYYYYY (gonna be backpacking more or less with Peggy <- hs friend :D)
June - Cali (sister's wedding)
Sept - Japan

I want to go to Japan to work but we'll see how that goes.

I CAN'T WAAAAAIT. Gonna be broke as hell in June, but I plan on working my butt of that summer if I can. :)

That startling realization

Ever feel a certain way and then suddenly come to understand that what you're feeling is happiness? or depression? or anger?

I feel like I'm oddly detached from my emotions and I don't realize how deeply something affects me until I sort of do this mental check-up on myself and realize, oh, I'm kind of depressed. Or oh, I guess I'm really stressed out.

I wonder if its the same for other people.

All I know is that I'm tired, and I'm done with working this hard for this company.

I've been trying to write my resignation letter in my head and I can't think of a good enough excuse. "I want to go to grad school." "I want to pursue my dreams of becoming a professor." "My health is suffering because I'm working too much."

Meh.

Taiwan

Ended up going to Taiwan to see Peggy instead.

Was totally worth it. :)

Can't wait to go traveling again. HEHE

Getting better at updates?

I think I blog the most when I shouldn't be (like right now because its 3:30 in the morning and I'm still at work because I have to finish this project). -_-;; Maybe this is why I blogged so much in high school.

I don't know if this is lame of me or not, but I find my writing to be relatively compelling. Not like UBER compelling, just, pretty compelling. I like it. My writing style contains a pretty decent mix of like, nerdiness and ... well in my opinion, wit. I mean, I never thought I was witty, but I like some of the stupid illustrations I make. And then I chuckle to myself. At my own terrible writing.

Sad, isn't it?

Someone pointed this out to me and I never realized it, but it's true. I have to "ready myself" to do something. Like, I have to mentally prepare myself to leave or like do something (like go running) so if I'm not "mentally prepared," I don't do it. That's why it (apparently) takes me so long to go running. I think this is true! But if that's the case, then I would lack spontaneity, and for some odd reason, I have that. So does that mean I'm contradictory? (or whatever the word is? I don't like how that sounds but I'm going to keep going because it takes too long to think of a better word). I think that one mistake that many people make is that if they're a certain way, there's no way they can be the "other" way. Like for me, if I have to mentally prepare myself to do something (even something as simple as going running) then how can I be spontaneous? I feel like people can't be described with one set of words. Kind of like how there's one thought process that people will associate you with when in reality there's a branch of thought processes that spread out from that one thought process. And thus, people are misunderstood.

Apparently I look cold and selfish when people who don't know me look at me when I'm not smiling. (Like, really? So I try to smile but it ends up looking kind of awkward. Like this: :] rather than :))...

Oh well. I'm learning to stop caring but it's hard. *shrug* So it goes, so it goes.

I REALLY want to go snowboarding. However, so as not to repeat last year, I need to workout kind of a lot before I go. Or I'm probably going to break another bone. -_-;;

Anyway, that's pretty much it for now. JAPAN hopefully next week. *Hopefully* Crossing fingers and praying.

Quote from one of my other blogs

"I like how my only audience is the future me. Pretty cool (and I know you're thinking the same thing, future me.)"

This is so true. I feel like I don't know myself at all sometimes and then at other times, I know myself so well. I don't know why but I feel like other people are more "self-aware" than I am. Sometimes, I don't realize I'm stressed out until I get moody. And that's usually when I start snapping at people. (Then I realize, oh. I must be stressed out.) Is that weird?

I think that's why when they say that God knows best or whatever, I wholeheartedly can agree because I don't know what's best for me. I mean if you think about it, no one knows what's best for them because the whole idea of "what's best for someone" has to do with knowing the future, does it not? I mean aside from the obvious (eating healthy is best for you), it's like doing something is "best for so-and-so" because it'll help them with their career (or like "is for the best" would be the other phrase) is what a lot of people say but really, what if they decide to not pursue that career? Or what if they die the next day? If that's the case, then wouldn't it have been better to choose something where they could've really relished life/spent time with their loved ones? I mean granted, for the most part, there's a reason that people can say these things, because not many people go through major career changes, but how can you really say that?

I say it too without giving it much thought but I suppose its an interesting point to ponder.

I like to think that people who think they know what's best for others based on their vast knowledge of the future shouldn't be so hasty to impose their thoughts on others. I mean the whole idea of "what's best for someone" or what's "for the best" really is just a societal construct. I don't like societal constructs. I'd rather screw myself over in the future so that I can live the life I want to live.

The only thing is, knowing the trends of society, will I truly not regret taking the path that everyone took? Once I come to terms with that, I'm really going to travel the world.

If I don't, then I will forever be chained to one area, forever wondering whether or not I made the right decision. Gross. I don't want to do that.