Restless

Not sure what it is about fall, but it seems that every time around this year (at least for the past two years) I've had this sense of restlessness. It's really irritating because I just feel like I can't settle, which I think is both a good and a bad thing. I really need to go to grad school soon. Bleh~

So I've been thinking about quitting my job - talked it over with my dad and I'm not really sure where to go with all this. I mean there are pluses and minuses about my job (as there are with all jobs) but I guess my biggest complaint is that I'm teaching a lot of boring stuff. I don't think it'll get much better anywhere else I go but I'm thinking of asking my workplace for less hours and more pay (since I get paid crap right now considering my hours). We'll see how it plays out.

Otherwise, things have been mediocre at best. I'm so thankful that I have my accountability group though.

For those of you that don't know, I've been meeting up with two friends every week and basically we just get together and talk about our walk with God and just about everything else (how our week was, what's going on at work, what's going on in our lives, etc etc) and it's just been awesome. There are so many insights that I've been able to come across and I think that when one is able to have open-hearted discussions about God and just random things in our daily lives that relate to Him, it becomes what God intended Christianity to be. I dunno how to describe it really. It's nice, insightful, satisfying and most of all, it really helps me reflect on my faith.

I always took my being Christian for granted and at this point, never really thought about what kind of Christian I was. I always looked down on other legalistic Christians who would constantly judge others and really just look down on other people. Yet, here I am, guilty of the same attitude that I looked down on others for because I was looking down on them. Trying to read the Bible more and pray more has made me realize how little control we have of our lives and how much we need God. I don't know, I don't really feel like going into too much more detail about it at this point when I don't really have a clear idea of what I want to say, but to sum everything up, I'm so thankful for a God that's so loving and good, to be born into a Christian household with supporting parents and siblings, an accountability group that really does just that - hold me accountable for my faith, and most of all, for being given the privilege to go to Heaven by doing absolutely nothing but believing in Him.

I always felt that by talking about my faith would estrange people from me and it honestly isn't fair. I've always felt like with friends, especially close friends, one should be able to talk about things that are important to oneself. I mean I don't hesitate to talk about really controversial issues like abortion and all that, but when it comes to my faith as a Christian, I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells for fear of offending the other person. It's so unfortunate that this has become the case and like reverse discrimination, it has become to a point where to a certain extent, I can't be myself.

One thing that I thought was cool over the summer with my co-workers was that we were able to silently pray before meals. There wasn't an uncomfortable silence or anything, it was just what some of us did and others didn't. Some people simply started eating first, and others would pray a quick prayer of thanks and then start eating. It didn't really matter who was praying or anything like that.

Anyway, that's basically how things have been going for me.

O yeah, and I got recruited to play the cello at church. For those that don't know, I don't play cello. I've never played in front of people until last week. I play viola. But we don't have any cellos and we have 4 violins so I sort of mentioned in passing that I would be able to play if I had to and then I found myself with a cello....... -_-;; I guess I spoke too soon. I don't mind though, it's good for me. ^_^

Hm. Otherwise, there isn't much going on. All the summer teachers have left except for one and I actually prefer it this way. It's much quieter though it doesn't mean that I'm necessarily getting more work done but at least there are less people around in the teachers room.

Gah it's 1:30am. Time for bed.

Boring boring entry

Cali was nice

Brother's wedding was nice

Work is still busy as hell but it's finally getting quieter

Vacation

Man, I so can't wait to go to Cali... -_- too much has been going on at work and what not...

I'm burning out~ but! We're on our last session (4 weeks) which means that things will be easier from now on.

Recently been thinking of finding a new place to work, simply because the hours are long and I feel like I can get more money from another place. Hm. Will have to think on this one.

Grad School!

Ah~ been so busy working and *trying* to apply to grad school. I think I'm a shoo in for Korea University so that'll be my backup. Unfortunately, the school I want to go to the most (Seoul National University) also is due in less than a month and I have yet to get my recommendations from a professor. I need to sit down and just email like crazy. I think I'm going to do that tomorrow. Gahhhhhhh X.x

Gonna take my laptop and run away to some kind of cafe until I get it done. *sigh*~

Work has been crazy as hell but only because there's so much prep required for each class. I can't just wing it like I did with the other classes, nor do I have the luxury of time and space (ugh so many teachers in one room...). However, I definitely am getting better responses from my students! Ugh, I hate lesson planning but at least I feel like a better teacher... ^^

Omg, total work drama but one of my coworkers is so blatantly socially awkward and only semi-realizes it that it's just irritating to watch. Bleh~ I guess what irritates me is that I don't know how to deal with him. He goes to Stanford and in all honesty is a smart guy but at the same time has that insecurity that comes with those small town kids who used to be the smartest in their class and go to college only to realize that they are no longer the only 'smart' kid and is thus compelled to show off his knowledge whenever he can because of his insecurities. Sometimes his pretentiousness is just too much (because what makes it worse is he's got one of those piercing yet droning voices that take 20 words to explain something that could be explained in 2).

With people I'm usually irritated with, I simply ignore/avoid them. Simply by mere proximity, I'm forced to deal with him time and time again. BLEH I've found myself just being really brutally honest with him and (probably) hurting his feelings in the process. People tell me he needs it but man, I really don't want to be the one to do it. I guess I'm just complaining. At any rate, here's a situation that occurred today that somewhat shows his awkwardness and the way I unfortunately dealt with him because I didn't know how else to deal with him:

So I'm facebooking at work because I'm trying to make a quiz and am taking a small break. As I'm about to get started on work again, he (also on facebook) tells me,

"My friend went to Norway and took some fantastic pictures."

"Ok." Honestly, what am I supposed to say to that? O really how interesting? I mean honestly, I could care less about his friend who I don't even know.

"Want to see?" I guess he was expecting me to show interest? So with the quiz that I had to make and my complete lack of interest my answer was blatantly,

"No." And then a split second later to realize how rude of me it was to say that. I found myself floundering for some kind of lame excuse about how I needed to work (when I was just on facebook which he btw pointed out - another way he is socially awkward...). Being put on the spot like that (granted I did this to myself) made me not realize the most obvious reason. I should've said,

"I'm sorry but honestly, it's kind of weird to be looking at some random person's pictures of Norway. I was taking a small break but I need to get back to work right now." And yet, I could not think to say this then. Sadly to say, though I don't care for the guy, I still feel bad. I've always thought that one should be civil to everyone, even to strangers...

I guess what it comes down to is that I honestly don't want to have to talk to him, nor do I really want anything to do with him. At the same time, I feel like I should because I'm an 'older' teacher than the rest of them, I need to lead by example somewhat so that teachers don't follow suit and make him a 왕따 (social outcast which, btw he already basically is). And being the 'nice' person that I am, I can't just leave him alone. I suppose avoiding the situation altogether isn't the best solution, but at the same time, I don't want to have to deal with awkward people that I know I won't mix well with. I don't know I suppose this is where two aspects of my personality are at odds with each other and when that happens, I don't know what to do. I suppose this will be a good lesson though a painful one.

I just feel bad for him because he honestly has no friends and I don't know what to do about him. He's pretty transparent but he doesn't seem to realize it himself. He is in desperate need of friendship in a country that's completely foreign to him and everywhere he turns (at work at least) he's met with some degree of coldness or animosity, which in turn feeds into his insecurities. This could easily go two ways - him hating Korea and never wanting to come back again, or he'll learn from it and become less socially awkward (hopefully for his sake, the latter).

OK for someone I don't care about, I guess I'm spending useless amounts of time analyzing his situation and character. Bleh, I honestly prefer not to spend time talking about people. It annoys me.

So moving on from all the bitching and whining, this summer is quite bittersweet. People are leaving Korea but there are others coming in! Well only one person... and its more of a friend of a friend (Janet, I'm talking about Julian :P haha) but I suppose one sort-of friend is better than none at all. ^^

Anyway, that's my update for now. The dynamics of humans will always be a subject of interest for me.

Korea vs. Iran

Totally bragging about this but I went to the Korea vs. Iran soccer game last night! I was 9 rows (that's right, it was in the single digits) away from the field. :D Honestly though, it isn't as close as you'd think because there's all that other stuff before the actual field starts (all that stuff as in like those people who run and catch the ball and then the camera stuff etc etc etc.)

Anyway, it was AWESOME and somewhat depressing too because there was one shot that #3 (sadly I don't know names of the players) could've made but he failed at the last minute. X.x

Apparently North Korea has qualified for the World Cup now due to Iran getting this tie. I don't know how I feel about North Korea because I feel like they're just trying to toot their horn and say that they're this strong and powerful nation (when they really aren't) and the world is letting them play in the World Cup! I'd ban them. I mean aren't they back on the terrorist list or whatever again? Who's to say they aren't going to bomb South Africa or whatever?

It's interesting though because fellow Koreans and Korean Americans completely disagree with me, saying that politics are politics and soccer is soccer. MEH. But then again, I also must admit that I am vastly unaware of the intricacies of the actual politics between South Korea and North Korea. All I know is that I strongly dislike Kim Jong Il and someone needs to assassinate the dude. Perhaps I should do my research before I go spouting off my opinions.

Oh well. Such is the case when I am apathetic about politics.

Haydn, Handel, and Mendolssen Concert. O, and grad school

So I think I spelled Mendolssen (Mendolssehn? I feel like there's an 'h' somewhere...) right.

I've decided I think Handel (besides Messiah) is boring. We listened to some concerto for flute or something. Don't get me wrong, the flutist was incredible and the sound that he produce was really beautiful. I can't really describe his sound... it was sweet and light and fluid all at once. But the piece itself was so static I found myself dozing. On the other hand there was some kind of other piece (in F sharp...) called "Farewell" by Haydn where orchestra members started leaving in the middle of the piece, which I thought was reeeeally cool. It was like modern art in music! It's like a musical where the actors leave the stage in the middle of a song (ooo! like that song in Sound of Music! So Long, Farewell or something). Yet the ending still had a finished quality to it which clearly showed that the players leaving the stage was intentional.

I thought that was waaaay cool. If I ever become an artist, I'm going to have an exhibit called "Farewell" as a tribute to Haydn. :D hahaha (but that'll never happen...)

O yeah, also for all y'all that that I haven't emailed (i'm sorry, I know I'm terrible at this)

I've decided to apply to grad school in Korea! I figured that while I'm here, I should be productive with my time and getting a masters in Korea is mad cheap (and when I mean cheap, I mean CHEAP - like $5-7K/year cheap). :D So it's definitely an option for me ^_^ But then it leaves the question , do I want to go ahead to England for my PhD or back to the states? X.x I reeeeeally want to go to England but I definitely have to decide if I want a PhD in Brit Lit (and what era?!) or American Lit. *sigh*~ I think I'm definitely leaning towards Brit Lit, but there's just so much that I have to explore before I make my final decision......

Anyhoo, that's about all that's going on for me for now. This has got to be one of my busiest weeks btw. X.x I have to like make time for muay thai. :( sux. I wish work was like school - 6 hours, the occasional homework and the endless pursuit of all those other extracurriculars (then I could do muay thai, be in an orchestra and still have time to fb, chat, watch anime and the like...) haha o well. I shall opt to sleep instead :) g'night!

Sunday

Went to church today. :)

O and I had a warm brownie with vanilla ice cream. That made me happy though I feel a little sick from all that sugar... X.x

haha there's my update for today. :D

I may end up scrapping this blog... it's really boring hahaha.

[edit]

Ok so I just read my comments for the previous blog and maybe I'm not so boring! (thanks Emma :D haha) I'll keep this going for a while if I can.

Honestly though, not very many interesting things happen to me.

O actually I guess there is one interesting 'happening' from yesterday.

A bunch of friends and I went to the Han River (한강) and drank and set off some fireworks! That was cool. It was a perfect night too - cool with a little bit of a breeze. :) I wish we had those sparkler firework thingies but o well - we didn't really plan ahead. ^_^ I wanna go back though. The Han River is so awesome at night.