最近

最近、疲れるんだ。　何にもしたくないのさ。　いつも　こうなんだ。　私は変えるかな?　できればいいけど・・・　できないのきがする。　まぁ　いつも こうでしょう?

私の日本語　最低だ。

Who, me?

I feel like there's a pretty big disparity between the way I look and the way I think/act. I'm not sure what it is, but people have told me different things. People's initial impression of me is that I look like I'd be cold or that I seem poised. Someone that wouldn't cry easily. At the least, I don't think people see me as goofy. Or one to like anime.

안 어울린데. Apparently.

Eh. I'm me. Such is life.

I'm lame

If you realize how lame you are... does that make you any cooler for realizing it? -_-;;

Seriously, sometimes I think I'm pretty boring and un-witty. It's quite unfortunate. I wish I were less so. *sigh*~

Ever feel really socially awkward? But if people tell you you're not, does that mean that you're only socially awkward to yourself?

ever just feel content?

I don't mean happy because happiness has the implication of being at a high point and the only direction to go afterwards is down. I'm talking about that feeling of contentment that comes with satisfaction with where your life was, is and is going to be. Things may get bad in the future but that isn't a present concern. It's that feeling when all feels right in the world and it will continue to be. Where you feel like you can truly let tomorrow worry about itself and your whole situation is exactly where you want it to be. You are where you want to be and you couldn't ask to be anywhere different. The music you're listening to contributes to that kind of beauty. The work you're doing, the people you talk to, the people you're surrounded with, just everything around you is good. It isn't perfect in the sense that everything is going perfectly but contentment I feel is what perfection feels like. Just because things aren't perfect, doesn't mean it can't feel perfect. It feels like perfection has been achieved through the situation regardless of how imperfect the actual situation is. There's something beautiful about the moment and it can only be broken through distractions of the mind. But even with those distractions, one can still be content.

Happiness is almost like a mood, it changes when you get bored or angry or distracted. When you're content, you can be content without realizing that you're content. Children are often content and only realize it as adults. A lot of children don't realize how good they actually have it until they become adults. Adults point out how good children have it and don't relish in their situations. Contentment has to do with that relishing. Eating a good, hearty meal with some good conversation, good music in the background and things to think about after. That's contentment to me. Contentment is living a life of thankfulness for everything that you have. Some people have it good, others have it better, others have it bad, yet others have it worse. Contentment perhaps is a relative thing but its finding that era of perfection in your life, holding onto it and trying to sustain it. It's not a moment when the light hits a scene just so that a beauty is captured in a snapshot of one's memory.

Life isn't about snapshots. It's a huge long video. Why would you only want snapshots of happiness? I'd rather a looooong video of pure unadulterated contentment. Is it easy to achieve? Hell no. People make it seems to easy by reducing it into words of "I did this this and this." They can say it was hard, but even that "It was hard." reduces how difficult that journey really is. Contentment isn't about a destination. Life never was, yet people treat it like it is. If you think about it that way, people are really just striving to die. Their destination is death. It's like the stages before death. School. College. Work. Family. Promotion. Kids. Grandkids. Death. Kind of makes you wonder what's the point of it all, doesn't it?

Irritated

Ever realize how little you know of a person?

Or worse, when you realize how little a person knows you? I mean it's fine with people you've just met or people you don't expect to know you, but sometimes, the disappointment of being misunderstood by someone who should've known better is both sad and irritating.

Books

It's weird. I feel like I go through seasons of "intellectual" hunger and then of wanting to only read what's considered to be more superficial reading. At first, I was totally in love with books that had wordplay that would go into the nuances of language and culture with witty and self-deprecating characters (The Elegance of the Hedgehog) but now I'm all for the somewhat deep yet simple plots of The Mysterious Benedict Society. Maybe I just have too much going on in my life.

[edit]
Or perhaps I just needed to get into the swing of things. I still like The Elegance of the Hedgehog I've decided.

Bored at Work

Well really it's writer's block. I can't think of what to write about next and I'm sick and tired of the restriction that I have (I have to use 30 vocabulary words in a page and a half of writing). I mean once you get used to it, it isn't that bad but it's still a mental strain. And for me, it's just getting restrictive and annoying.

And the clock is ticking. I have 7 more stories to write in 2 days (using the last day for revisions). BLEH

Restless. Can't wait to be done working.