Jazz for me is like water. It trickles into the ears, facilitating thought.
In my caffeine-addled brain, it makes me think of humanity and the human condition. Why do we fight reality with such vigor? The facts are there but we interpret them in hundreds of different ways and many times, it's just one or another. There could be subtext, regardless of whether or not it was meant to have any subtext. All these facets exist, yet we choose to take one angle of it.
If you take a cone and slice it vertically, the cross-section will be a triangle. If you slice it horizontally, it'll be a circle. Reality is dynamic and contains more than just two slices, yet we choose to look at it in one, two maybe three ways, but that's it. We shape reality based on these angles and forget or disregard others because it doesn't fit into the equation.
That's why we have eras and then the following era overturns that very thinking. We are in the era of irony and cynicism and what comes from that? Hope and a yearning for the pure, the innocence of the past. We are the generation that clings to the past, thinking that it was somehow better than now, when all it is, is reality hitting us in the face. It's always been there, we've just never seen it.
From a generation that's seen the subversion of authority, of violence and hatred rises a generation that acknowledges the hope and the goodness in people. Random acts of kindness come from that.
I think New York has got it right in many ways. It's viewed as somewhat of a sad existence, but the initial guardedness, yet the helpfulness (that is given as if it's an obvious thing to do) of its denizens is the active acceptance of reality for what it is. There are millions of different people out there, thinking millions of derivations of the same thoughts and we try to only accept what we agree with. New Yorkers (for the most part) see it, condemn what they condemn and accept what they accept. Of course I'm over-generalizing but I feel that this is a kind of truth that I've gleaned from the whopping 11 months I lived there.
Anyway, too much caffeine and too many papers to write make me think of such things.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sleep Deprivation
After a certain point, my brain stops working.
Any sort of good judgement is absent from my reasoning. "Oh, I have two finals tomorrow? Let's play Tetris Battle for an hour."
Yet I persist.
Now it's 4am and I have yet to find my quotes for my paper tomorrow.
Maybe I should just give up and go to sleep. Hm.
AH! But this is the last final!
But I feel like I will be okay.
Oh well, I'll continue to work on my paper that was due a week ago. -_-;;
*tsssss* (my brain is fried)
One more day.
Any sort of good judgement is absent from my reasoning. "Oh, I have two finals tomorrow? Let's play Tetris Battle for an hour."
Yet I persist.
Now it's 4am and I have yet to find my quotes for my paper tomorrow.
Maybe I should just give up and go to sleep. Hm.
AH! But this is the last final!
But I feel like I will be okay.
Oh well, I'll continue to work on my paper that was due a week ago. -_-;;
*tsssss* (my brain is fried)
One more day.
Friday, December 14, 2012
To think or to live?
My sister mentioned this and I think there's validity in what she's saying - in that I think too much about things. It's true - there are a lot of implications in our actions and I think that by trying to act deliberately in all that I do, I end up being unable to act at all.
Perhaps that's why I hate tedium so much. It bores the hell out of me too, but perhaps it's because I try to overthink something that is a lot simpler than I make it to be.
As for thinking and living - I feel that it's one or the other. In doing an action, one must not think of the action they are doing (try to think about where your feet are going when you go down steps... you'll feel like you're going to fall - at least more than when you don't think about how your feet are walking down those steps...). Then conversely, when thinking, it becomes more difficult to act because one is busy thinking about the action that is about to take place or an action that took place. Then how do we find a happy medium?
Eh. I dunno, I have issues with this but I hope that I find an answer because it's making me ridiculously unproductive. -_-;;
Perhaps that's why I hate tedium so much. It bores the hell out of me too, but perhaps it's because I try to overthink something that is a lot simpler than I make it to be.
As for thinking and living - I feel that it's one or the other. In doing an action, one must not think of the action they are doing (try to think about where your feet are going when you go down steps... you'll feel like you're going to fall - at least more than when you don't think about how your feet are walking down those steps...). Then conversely, when thinking, it becomes more difficult to act because one is busy thinking about the action that is about to take place or an action that took place. Then how do we find a happy medium?
Eh. I dunno, I have issues with this but I hope that I find an answer because it's making me ridiculously unproductive. -_-;;
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Oh the incessant rhythms of time, why must you beat on so
Yes, I'm being overly dramatic. It's kind of fun when it's meant ironically. It makes me think of the following picture:
I do feel like the child but it doesn't take away from the fact that it's painful.
Deadlines shouldn't represent a bondage to time but in my inability to keep them, I become a slave to the very thing I'm trying to escape.
I'm pretty sure I talked about it before so it's kind of boring but every single time the reality of it hits me again, it's another slap in the face and I remind myself again, that next time, I won't procrastinate, that it won't happen again.
Yet it does. *sigh*~ Oh, when will I ever learn? Such revelations hopefully lead to some kind of self-realization and then to some kind of change, right?
The important thing is progress and I think I've made some progress. Thankfully I'm making these stupid mistakes at a community college, rather than in grad school, where my grades and overall success matter a little more.
What I'm excited for during break is not the fact that I'll be free from all this work, but that I'll be able to slow down and enjoy the works that I couldn't give the proper time of day during my studies. I think I've found my niche. :)
I do feel like the child but it doesn't take away from the fact that it's painful.
Deadlines shouldn't represent a bondage to time but in my inability to keep them, I become a slave to the very thing I'm trying to escape.
I'm pretty sure I talked about it before so it's kind of boring but every single time the reality of it hits me again, it's another slap in the face and I remind myself again, that next time, I won't procrastinate, that it won't happen again.
Yet it does. *sigh*~ Oh, when will I ever learn? Such revelations hopefully lead to some kind of self-realization and then to some kind of change, right?
The important thing is progress and I think I've made some progress. Thankfully I'm making these stupid mistakes at a community college, rather than in grad school, where my grades and overall success matter a little more.
What I'm excited for during break is not the fact that I'll be free from all this work, but that I'll be able to slow down and enjoy the works that I couldn't give the proper time of day during my studies. I think I've found my niche. :)
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Triviality and a pendulum
Something I realized is that every time I come up with some kind of idea of something, usually within a couple days, or weeks or whatever, I come up with something else that negates that very idea.
I suppose that it has to do with the idea that humans (to me) are like pendulums. They swing back and forth between the idea of who they are and who they don't want to be. Some people fluctuate a lot, like most children, teenagers and me, and then there are those who don't, like adults and responsible people. The pendulum idea could work for anything, I think - ideas, people's beliefs, daily habits, state of mind, etc. (e.g. the whole idea that people go through cycles of depression and happiness).
At any rate, lately, I've just been really critical of America. It's reverse culture shock, but I still can't help feeling that there are so many things that are just wrong here. I suppose I should just accept it, but it's hard to do when you see it. It's funny though because I don't see a way to fix it and I can't think of any solutions. Basically I feel like I'm pointing out a problem to which there is no easy solution. I suppose I could think about it and try to take into account all the factors, but in the end, it comes down to the way people think and that's something that won't change very easily, especially when one wants to try to affect change in society. It took 50 years for Britain to do anything about Ireland after Jonathan Swift wrote A Modest Proposal. It makes me think that even if people complain or point things out, bring about awareness, things won't change. I suppose one could still try.
So. Triviality. I think our generation, and perhaps it's more prevalent in the younger generations is the fact that everything is trivialized or over-simplified. We don't think of the hardship or difficulty in things. When things become difficult or when we have to work hard, it is something that doesn't come as easily. That's why I feel like we see so many unmotivated students and kids. Why, when we have free time, we do nothing or "waste" time. People haven't found that balance and I don't think we realize that things are hard, things take work and that we need to slow down and balance the time between what we need to be doing and what we need to do to relax. Eh, it's kind of half-baked right now though (this thought). I suppose what I'm getting at though, is that I think it's problematic that some things are made to seem so simple or that someone's efforts are brushed away with "oh that's easy" or simply by being able to see how something is done, people think they can do it. It isn't that easy and to get good at something takes time.
Man, it's something that I'm having difficulty with though. I really can't sit at a desk all day. X.x Today was such a useless day.
I suppose that it has to do with the idea that humans (to me) are like pendulums. They swing back and forth between the idea of who they are and who they don't want to be. Some people fluctuate a lot, like most children, teenagers and me, and then there are those who don't, like adults and responsible people. The pendulum idea could work for anything, I think - ideas, people's beliefs, daily habits, state of mind, etc. (e.g. the whole idea that people go through cycles of depression and happiness).
At any rate, lately, I've just been really critical of America. It's reverse culture shock, but I still can't help feeling that there are so many things that are just wrong here. I suppose I should just accept it, but it's hard to do when you see it. It's funny though because I don't see a way to fix it and I can't think of any solutions. Basically I feel like I'm pointing out a problem to which there is no easy solution. I suppose I could think about it and try to take into account all the factors, but in the end, it comes down to the way people think and that's something that won't change very easily, especially when one wants to try to affect change in society. It took 50 years for Britain to do anything about Ireland after Jonathan Swift wrote A Modest Proposal. It makes me think that even if people complain or point things out, bring about awareness, things won't change. I suppose one could still try.
So. Triviality. I think our generation, and perhaps it's more prevalent in the younger generations is the fact that everything is trivialized or over-simplified. We don't think of the hardship or difficulty in things. When things become difficult or when we have to work hard, it is something that doesn't come as easily. That's why I feel like we see so many unmotivated students and kids. Why, when we have free time, we do nothing or "waste" time. People haven't found that balance and I don't think we realize that things are hard, things take work and that we need to slow down and balance the time between what we need to be doing and what we need to do to relax. Eh, it's kind of half-baked right now though (this thought). I suppose what I'm getting at though, is that I think it's problematic that some things are made to seem so simple or that someone's efforts are brushed away with "oh that's easy" or simply by being able to see how something is done, people think they can do it. It isn't that easy and to get good at something takes time.
Man, it's something that I'm having difficulty with though. I really can't sit at a desk all day. X.x Today was such a useless day.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Phobias and Mental Illnesses
If I were to characterize myself using various mental illnesses and phobias, I'd have the mental illnesses/phobias below:
Agoraphobia - I hate crowds and being in crowded places. They make me nervous sometimes.
Acrophobia - But I always say I have a slight fear of heights because I imagine myself jumping off and magically flying (or landing like a ninja), both of which I know logically to be untrue. So then knowing the real consequence and having to suppress the illogical desire to jump is where the "fear" comes from.
Narcolepsy - I can sleep anywhere, anytime. :D Though this is changing slightly. They say it changes with age. I say it changes because there's more to worry and think about - age just happens to be closely correlated with how busy one gets, thus affect how much one thinks.
OCD - I mean it in the everyday fake definition, not the clinical definition. Where basically people have this desire to be "overly" clean (depending on who you're talking to, that "overly" may be the norm for them). I'm probably one of the dirtiest/messiest people I know but in my head, I prefer things to be much cleaner than most people. I don't like watching other people clean because they'll miss a spot (it'll be a tiny corner somewhere) or they'll miss a piece of dust.and it'll bother me. So I give up. But if I started, there'd be no end. That's why I hate cleaning. It's just too time-consuming (so I've been trying to learn to break it down and do it smaller parts, so at least I'm getting something clean).
Germaphobia - I guess this kind of goes with the clean thing. I realize that I'm starting to have slight issues with people sharing drinks with me. In the end, I don't really care, but it's honestly kind of really gross. Again, I just let it go but it does kind of bother me. O.o
ADD - to be differentiated from AD/HD, which I don't think I have characteristics of. I actually do think I have a moderate case of this, simply because I realized I have difficulty following conversations in large groups (I always thought it had to do with being bored/un-engaged) and I have a really hard time doing things that I find boring or uninteresting (apparently it's a symptom of ADD - but it has to be to an extreme). I'm restless, impulsive, have excess energy if I don't exercise and I think the obvious one is that I have difficulty focusing but I can hyperfocus at times. I think one of the other indicators that I found surprising was having difficulty recalling conversations... I thought perhaps it was something to do with the fact that although I can be detail-oriented, I'm actually more of a big picture person... And another one was being unable to filter or stop one's thoughts. I suppose I don't have a problem when going to sleep, but I do understand the thought-overflow thing. That's why I write. Meh. I mean normally I'd brush it off but since I display like 80% of the symptoms, I've started to wonder about this one. ^^;; haha
Obviously I don't actually think I have any of these phobias or mental illnesses (though really, with ADD, I'm half-seriously thinking of getting it checked out - but I looked at treatments outside of drugs, and it's all the same "get organized, focus, stop bitching and get your shit done." So yeah. I think that's what it is.
Agoraphobia - I hate crowds and being in crowded places. They make me nervous sometimes.
Acrophobia - But I always say I have a slight fear of heights because I imagine myself jumping off and magically flying (or landing like a ninja), both of which I know logically to be untrue. So then knowing the real consequence and having to suppress the illogical desire to jump is where the "fear" comes from.
Narcolepsy - I can sleep anywhere, anytime. :D Though this is changing slightly. They say it changes with age. I say it changes because there's more to worry and think about - age just happens to be closely correlated with how busy one gets, thus affect how much one thinks.
OCD - I mean it in the everyday fake definition, not the clinical definition. Where basically people have this desire to be "overly" clean (depending on who you're talking to, that "overly" may be the norm for them). I'm probably one of the dirtiest/messiest people I know but in my head, I prefer things to be much cleaner than most people. I don't like watching other people clean because they'll miss a spot (it'll be a tiny corner somewhere) or they'll miss a piece of dust.and it'll bother me. So I give up. But if I started, there'd be no end. That's why I hate cleaning. It's just too time-consuming (so I've been trying to learn to break it down and do it smaller parts, so at least I'm getting something clean).
Germaphobia - I guess this kind of goes with the clean thing. I realize that I'm starting to have slight issues with people sharing drinks with me. In the end, I don't really care, but it's honestly kind of really gross. Again, I just let it go but it does kind of bother me. O.o
ADD - to be differentiated from AD/HD, which I don't think I have characteristics of. I actually do think I have a moderate case of this, simply because I realized I have difficulty following conversations in large groups (I always thought it had to do with being bored/un-engaged) and I have a really hard time doing things that I find boring or uninteresting (apparently it's a symptom of ADD - but it has to be to an extreme). I'm restless, impulsive, have excess energy if I don't exercise and I think the obvious one is that I have difficulty focusing but I can hyperfocus at times. I think one of the other indicators that I found surprising was having difficulty recalling conversations... I thought perhaps it was something to do with the fact that although I can be detail-oriented, I'm actually more of a big picture person... And another one was being unable to filter or stop one's thoughts. I suppose I don't have a problem when going to sleep, but I do understand the thought-overflow thing. That's why I write. Meh. I mean normally I'd brush it off but since I display like 80% of the symptoms, I've started to wonder about this one. ^^;; haha
Obviously I don't actually think I have any of these phobias or mental illnesses (though really, with ADD, I'm half-seriously thinking of getting it checked out - but I looked at treatments outside of drugs, and it's all the same "get organized, focus, stop bitching and get your shit done." So yeah. I think that's what it is.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Success or Death?
Oh how life's little decisions can be expanded to seem to mean something so much more. It's like how people place value or emphasis on the details in life, when sometimes, those things just don't matter.
Success? Death? Sounds like a fatalistic attempt at greatness - a do-or-die attitude, when all it is, is a contemplation on which theme to choose for an essay.
Success? Death? Sounds like a fatalistic attempt at greatness - a do-or-die attitude, when all it is, is a contemplation on which theme to choose for an essay.
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