What if it's not enough?

Lately, I feel like the stakes in life have gotten higher. The mistakes I make, the things I do or don't do down to even the events I attend or groups I choose to take part in all seem to make a mark on my future.

One can chalk it up to just stress and age and perhaps a number of other factors, which may or may not be true and beyond that, I think my conclusion is this:

Whatever happens will happen. I just need to do what I've always been doing. So what if the window of opportunity is getting smaller? Or that bigger life decisions are coming up? In the end, I feel like I've always approached life in a manner where I'll end up where I need to be, when I need to and I don't see why that should change now. By putting more pressure on myself, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I just need to be good at what I love and keep loving the people in my life to the best of my ability. There's nothing else I can do, really.

I don't know why I forgot that recently.

And now comes the hard part. Living this philosophy.

Good parenting is...

when your children acknowledge that you've done a good job.

For obvious reasons, this statement has flaws but more and more I realize that I've been blessed with awesome parents. By no means were they perfect nor have they become any closer to it now because they're older (and somehow, we associate age and experience with wisdom...). However, the decisions they made, the type of people they were, they type of people they have become, the experiences they chose to put us kids through (or perhaps there was less choosing and more falling into though..), and the way they raised us helped to form us as people. I see resonances of their philosophies in the way I live my life and I can say that I've picked up some good things from them. I say that my parents did a good job, despite (most likely) being clueless, because I knew I was loved, I knew they were trying, and I knew they listened.

One thing that I've noticed with parents is that children often think their parents can't/don't change but perhaps it has to do with the child's approach to them. The parent-child relationship is always evolving (quite obviously because children grow up and parents age) and sometimes one side or the other doesn't want to or can't seem to acknowledge the change/growth and friction forms, the relationship never grows, or it becomes toxic. I sometimes feel like an anomaly when I realize that my parents treat me like an adult amidst all the people who complain that their parents don't listen or don't acknowledge that they are adults too. So I feel lucky. But I do think that there are a lot of kids whose relationships with their parents have evolved in a good way - perhaps I only hear the complaints because one never does seem to talk about how awesome things are with one's parents (or significant others or friends or anyone of significance, really... the talking usually is about the bad, whether it is to see if there is any advice that can be given or simply to vent.. hm.. I smell another blog post with this one...).

At any rate, I am not a perfect being nor do I claim to be one and there are flaws in all things human. However, I'm glad that I had the parents I did and I'm thankful for what they did for me, especially for instilling me with the values that they have.

Aww, it's too early for either of the parent's day, but I'm just glad they exist. :) I can only hope that I become like them.

I love you, Mom and Dad.

Contrary

Been feeling off all day. My entire existence annoyed me today.

Depressed? Perhaps.

Bad mood? Oh, for sure. And because I was in a bad mood, I didn't want to do anything, which put me in a worse mood because I was being unproductive.

Got some stuff done, talked to the bf (love that he makes me laugh :)), and felt marginally better.

Eh, perhaps sleep will help.

I feel like being dramatic and it annoys me. I'm being meta-dramatic now. Ugh.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Sleep cures all, imo.

Progress!

I have found an article whose content I find to be fascinating. Often times, these academic articles are so dull compared to the novel or work that it strives to analyze that obligation dictates my perusal of them. However, I think that perhaps I am starting to understand better the enjoyment behind research and what it means to be an academe.

How do I know this?

I begrudged an interruption by my dad from the world I was in while reading the article.

I dive into language and learning and as I lose myself in that world, I find small pleasures in the knowledge that is imparted to me. This is perhaps another small reminder of why I am here, doing what I do.

And at the same time, a small, but noticeable sign of my progress (growth?) as a graduate student! Oh the joys of the little things in life...

Reading and yet more reading

What is it about other people's thoughts, their theories, their way of thinking that is so hard for me to absorb? What is it they are trying to say and why is it so hard for me to follow?

Narration and narratives are easy. There is a story to tell and you take it apart based on the way the author chooses to portray a story. What, of life, did the author choose to show as important? Why did the author choose to focus on the psychology of the characters rather than the action of the plot? Such things are easy to decipher.

We enter the realm of the philosophy or the theory behind the writing and suddenly, I feel like I hit a wall.

Joseph Conrad and Henry James. Their driving philosophies should render their work more accessible. Yet their very philosophies is where I fail. To follow people through the logic of their thoughts isn't difficult yet something is stopping understanding.

Perhaps it's just time for me to go to bed. Bah.

Grace, mercy, and justice

Justice: getting what you deserve
Mercy: not getting what you deserve
Grace: getting what you don't deserve

This was brought up today in the Bible study class I attended today and I really like thinking about this. There's two ways to think about this - in terms of others, and then in terms of oneself.

Justice - everyone should get what they deserve. If a person does something wrong, they should be punished for it. That's why the term poetic justice exists in literature. We watch a movie or read a book, expecting that the bad will come to justice, or at least hoping that they will. Even in real life, we hope that there is justice in our daily lives and fight for it (well, most people do, or at least in what people envision as the ideal, everyone will fight for what is believed to be just).

Now let's personalize this. If you commit a wrong, do you want justice? Most likely, you will want mercy.

Mercy - every time someone does something wrong, they want mercy. They want to be the exception to the rule. Why? Because it sucks to have to deal with the consequences of one's actions. Of course the ideal is if one does not do anything wrong or commit that wrong to begin with. However, no one is perfect and everyone has their faults, intentional or not. So then, the one time that one commits a wrong, does it seem fair to have to deal with those consequences? Of course here, most people understand human's imperfections and will say that it is just to be merciful.

However, justice in its purest form would be that everyone must deal with the consequences of their wrongs. (Oh, you could argue that such things shouldn't be so black and white, but then, where is justice in the slippery slope of mercy?)

And then there's this idea of grace. Honestly, I think most people take slight offense to the idea of grace. "Why should he (or she) get that? They don't deserve it!" Think of the criminal that gets away, some undeserving (usually we think ungrateful) child who reaps the benefits of their parents' hard work, etc. The list can be endless when we think of people who have what they don't deserve.

Again, let's personalize it for a second. You've done something bad. You deserve to be punished. Instead of being punished, someone else gets punished for you, and you get something kind of really awesome instead. That joy, I think, would be indescribable, but I think there's also a plethora of feelings that go with that. The crushing realization that you don't deserve that something, the guilt of having it, the guilt, too, that someone else had to suffer because of you, the pressure of showing the appreciation, etc. Can you full appreciate that which you got that you didn't deserve?

It's an interesting concept to roll around. Grace works in interesting ways. I mean yes, this could be in the Christian sense but I think generally speaking. I think grace in its purest form can only happen with God because when someone does something for you, they usually have some kind of expectation of getting something back (whether you live a good life or whatever). Like, if I went to jail for some punk kid who deserved it, that little brat better be working his/her ass off to make a better life for himself/herself, y'know?

Hm. I think grace would be interesting to explore by itself. This idea of grace (both with and separate from Christianity).

I'd rather be "us"

There is separation when it's you and me.

You are still you and I am still me.

When you becomes "u" and the self becomes "s"

To create us,

There is no distinction anymore of a you or me,

But a whole, complete unit that cannot be separated

Into you and me.