Public vs. private

It's interesting to see my writing - both in the "public" arena (i.e. my blogs) and the private arena (I have various journals and what not that I may or may not show to people... I'm still somewhat divided on that).

I think I'm a bit of a drama queen. Getting to be moreso with age. Not sure what it is (perhaps a heightened sensitivity towards people after realizing how different everyone operates?) but I've definitely changed. The carefree, happy-go-lucky, free-spiritedness is harder to bring out. It makes me wonder if it really was there or if it was contrived. Was that really me or was that me aspiring to be a "better" me so to speak?

I wish I could disregard such things but the unfortunate reality is that I'm self-conscious as heck. Eh. I'm slowly getting over it.

At any rate, going back to my "private" writing (it really isn't anything special - just me jotting down thoughts when I don't have an internet connection and sometimes, when I don't feel it all that important or interesting to share with others - or me just ranting about things I know are stupid that the public really doesn't need to see), it's considerably more... flowery. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I suppose because I know it's private, it's just a little more over the top. I wonder if that's what my true nature is and I just downplay it.

Perhaps it is. I'd rather it not. Get over yourself and move on with life. Many of the small things that one agonizes over is never worth it in the bigger scheme of things. Life is meant to be cherished in gratitude and joy. So easily said, yet embodied by few with great difficulty.

I suppose on the flip side, people need to know suffering to feel a greater depth and appreciation for the good things in life. But if you told that to someone who was suffering, he/she'd probably smack you. One always knows in retrospect, I suppose.

2 1/2 months

Feels like I'm swimming in a pool that's slowly drowning me.

Gaaaah. I suppose it makes sense because my workload has been increasing and now I've hit midterm season. There's so much to do, so much to take care of and yet I stop. I want the world to stop and perhaps that's the reason that I stop. I'm not sure what it is. I suppose it could be related to stress. Or it just is stress.

At times like this, I wish I had infinite energy, an insatiable amount of motivation and the time to match. I could do all the things that run through my head at once.

I suppose with responsibility, there comes that suppression of desire. "I want to do this, but I need to do that."

Why does that suck so much? Why can't "I want to do this" be just that? "I want to do this and I need to do it." I suppose that although that's what everyone seeks, a vast majority accept it as a reality that they cannot obtain.

I wonder if I'm being foolish in continuing to pursue that ideal.

Responsibility

I always wonder, with people who are really responsible, do they ever consider being irresponsible?

I wonder what prevents them from being irresponsible.

I've gotten away with a lot of things in my life and some things were things that I was supposed to take responsibility for and no, I didn't get off scott-free, but the consequences were much less severe than was expected.

I suppose it's somewhat obvious that people need to be responsible or else the world would probably be more chaotic. Though sometimes I wonder if chaos is such a bad thing. Why do those things have to be categorized as "good" or "bad"? I mean certain things are obviously good and obviously bad. Murder with intent is bad (though in war, that too becomes blurred, doesn't it?). Food is very obviously good (haha just kidding, that's a bad example).

Actually, what is obviously good? Is it sad that almost all things in this world can be twisted and made in one way or another bad?

That sux.

Anyway, responsibility is annoying. I'm being immature and I know it, but sometimes I question. What's the point? Rat race really does aptly describe the feeling I get when I think about adulthood and the responsibility that comes with being one.

Poetry

Poetry distills the essence of moments, I think.

When you're trying to capture exactly what happened, I think poetry is the best way to capture it. It might not make sense to other people but if you can capture the moment whether it has any beauty or whatever in it, then you've captured the moment in writing.

I think the most difficult part of it is that in order to do that, the poem must be revisited multiple times in different situations to ensure that the moment is properly captured. If it is able to evoke the same memory from these re-visitations, then it has been properly written.

And I think it should be beautifully written. I wonder if that's possible now. Has creativity run dry or have people just become lazy in trying to find different constructs to the same experiences everyone has gone through in life?

I like poetry. It's simple yet so deep.

Y'know what I like about being in school?

It brings out the thoughtfulness in me. The part of my brain that thinks interesting thoughts. I think that's why I want to be an academic. The stimulation of thought. It makes me more interesting. It makes my thoughts more interesting to me. I wonder if I become more interesting to others because of it. I hope so.

[edit] Oct. 3. 2012

Oh how quickly things change with midterms! I like how my attitude did a 180 when things started getting busy.

On a different note, with the whole creativity thing, I realized part of what it is, is resonances of the modern era (Hemingway among others). They simplified writing and then there were (still are, I think?) artistic movements with ideas like "form follows function" that I think really seeped into the writing. I mean there are obviously other factors that play into what writing and art has become today, but perhaps it is for this reason that we don't seek beauty solely for aesthetic purposes.  How functional is it, how accessible to the public, how much is it worth? All these things are what writers, artists and musicians take into account when doing any creative work, is it not? One thing with artists of any kind is the idea that if it cannot be used in any way, if you cannot turn your art into a viable source of income, it is useless. I feel very much this way when I practice any of the instruments I have a superficial interest in. When I draw. I know that my music and my art will never be good enough to be publicized. Ever. So does that make my hobbies useless? Is it wrong to want to pursue these things despite their seemingly lack in worth? I think that there are many people who do exactly that (pursue hobbies for the heck of it, knowing it'll never become their day job), I just feel unproductive doing it. I guess I have a hard time justifying such "unproductive" things.

Raindrops falling on my head

Not quite what I'm going through but the tune matches my mood.

It's what good conversation'll do to me. ^_^

Venting

Omg, seriously.

I hate sloppy work. I understand mistakes happen. An occasional typo, a small mistake here or there, that's fine. But seriously? I have to clean up that mess?

I'm just pissed because I said that mistakes add up. The response? "I'm sorry for making those small mistakes."

I'm sorry but in this line of work, those "small" mistakes reflect really badly on you. And on our company. It makes you look sloppy, negates what the teachers are trying to teach and defeats the purpose of the work we're doing.

Really now.

Seriously annoyed. I hate having to clean up after people. I guess it's because I feel like I'm not responsible for it but I still have to mop up the mess. If it's your job, do it right. I hate having to fix those kinds of mistakes. I mean I make mistakes. I make plenty of mistakes, but not these. I think what my problem is, is that I know I can do a better job. What sucks even more, is that perhaps I'm the reason that the job isn't getting done properly. What am I not conveying to her that needs to be conveyed? Am I just that much of a failure as her employer?

Is it bad that I just want to have her fired now? Because she can't do her job? After the second project?

I need to give her more of a chance, I think. But when is enough?

I guess since I didn't do a good enough job of training her, I need to take responsibility for my actions. Perhaps I did bring it onto myself. The student is only as good as the teacher, they say, right? I'm doing something wrong. How depressing. Ugh, I hate such situations.

Going home... or perhaps leaving home?

The reality that I'm leaving for good still hasn't hit me. My room's packed and the boxes have been taken away so I'm sitting in this room (again that doesn't quite feel like my room) with minimal things and yet, I still don't feel like I'm leaving. Perhaps I've gotten so used to the pattern of accepting my surroundings and adjusting accordingly to whatever exists that it doesn't feel foreign to have all my stuff gone. Or perhaps it's simply because I never really felt that this room was mine. My stuff was in it, that's all.

I'm not quite sure what it is, I just feel odd. The fact that I haven't been sleeping on a regular schedule and work has been quite overwhelming is definitely a contributing factor. The heat hasn't been helping either. I definitely melt in heat. Blah.

In the end, I can't pinpoint what it is, but I guess I don't feel like I'm leaving. Do I know, deep down inside, that I'll be coming back? I don't want to come back but the reality of the possibility exists and it's something I can't deny.

What an odd place to be in life! I can't say it's a good thing or a bad thing, just that it's odd.