Art supplies

Y'know what I like about art supplies?

Art supplies, with its many colors and blank sheets of white or whatever other color, are pregnant with possibility. I suppose it's somewhat cliche, but cliche for a reason. Perhaps we subscribe to cliches because they define life in a way that resonates with all of us. Though with overuse it becomes hackneyed. Quite unfortunately so. I've been re-experiencing some of the simpler joys in life. Something I keep getting the feeling my generation has forgotten to do. It's weird.

At any rate, back to art supplies. I specifically mean implements used for drawing, coloring or painting, such as paints, pens, permanent markers, etc. Things that speak color. Or in my case, a bag full of those scissors that cut in different shapes. I suppose I can't call myself an artist though I like to think I am.

I like crafts. Perhaps I'm a craftsman?

Anyway, possibilities. It's a beautiful thing, though like writing can be intimidating by the sheer openness of it. I like that though.

In the mood

I have the be "in the mood" to do anything.

I have such difficulty understanding people how have the motivation to do the undesirable. It takes so much for me to get motivated to do something I don't want to do. And even then, sustained activity is rarely achieved.

Every time I'm analyzing or reading into something, I enjoy it. Yet, it takes so much for me to get to that point. It's like running almost. It seems like a chore when I think about it, but when I'm doing it, I usually enjoy it. It's always the getting there that's so difficult. I don't understand why that is.

I feel like I'm being so childish in thinking that way, but at this age, it makes me wonder if I really can change. Am I just giving up because age dictates that I can't change as easily?

I irritate myself at times.

Oh well, today's been a more productive day than most. I must try to sustain such productivity!

Ennui

Everyone is busy.

I should feel busy.

I keep busy but I don't feel busy nor do I feel my time to be filled up. It's an odd dichotomy because I feel like the days go by so quickly without me realizing the time. Yet when I think of the actual hours that I've filled doing who-knows-what, I realize how bored I am.

I suppose this is what being unproductive feels like but this stagnation feels like it isn't my own.

Again, there's that feeling of detachment that I feel is so prevalent in this generation. It isn't my stagnation but stopping from society. Everyone is moving but they aren't going anywhere. Is it the culture?

I need to stop being so influenced by my surroundings.

Writing essays

I wish essays would just flow out of my fingers onto the screen.

I can see the essay, the general structure and organization, but it's just so freaking hard for me to word the dang thing. There's flow to take into consideration, the general strategy in presenting my argument, then there's whether or not I'm actually making logical sense. Gaaah.

I feel like I put too much pressure on myself when I'm writing these essays. It sucks because I know my professors have higher expectations of me. They know that I already have a degree and that I'm supposed to know far more than I actually do. I see things in the literature that classmates are only beginning to see - I'm not tooting my own horn as much as simply stating a reality. I see these things because I've already been to college - that experience alone speaks for my ability to analyze at least a tiny bit better.

Gah. I've been stuck on and off this whole week. X.x

Public vs. private

It's interesting to see my writing - both in the "public" arena (i.e. my blogs) and the private arena (I have various journals and what not that I may or may not show to people... I'm still somewhat divided on that).

I think I'm a bit of a drama queen. Getting to be moreso with age. Not sure what it is (perhaps a heightened sensitivity towards people after realizing how different everyone operates?) but I've definitely changed. The carefree, happy-go-lucky, free-spiritedness is harder to bring out. It makes me wonder if it really was there or if it was contrived. Was that really me or was that me aspiring to be a "better" me so to speak?

I wish I could disregard such things but the unfortunate reality is that I'm self-conscious as heck. Eh. I'm slowly getting over it.

At any rate, going back to my "private" writing (it really isn't anything special - just me jotting down thoughts when I don't have an internet connection and sometimes, when I don't feel it all that important or interesting to share with others - or me just ranting about things I know are stupid that the public really doesn't need to see), it's considerably more... flowery. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I suppose because I know it's private, it's just a little more over the top. I wonder if that's what my true nature is and I just downplay it.

Perhaps it is. I'd rather it not. Get over yourself and move on with life. Many of the small things that one agonizes over is never worth it in the bigger scheme of things. Life is meant to be cherished in gratitude and joy. So easily said, yet embodied by few with great difficulty.

I suppose on the flip side, people need to know suffering to feel a greater depth and appreciation for the good things in life. But if you told that to someone who was suffering, he/she'd probably smack you. One always knows in retrospect, I suppose.

2 1/2 months

Feels like I'm swimming in a pool that's slowly drowning me.

Gaaaah. I suppose it makes sense because my workload has been increasing and now I've hit midterm season. There's so much to do, so much to take care of and yet I stop. I want the world to stop and perhaps that's the reason that I stop. I'm not sure what it is. I suppose it could be related to stress. Or it just is stress.

At times like this, I wish I had infinite energy, an insatiable amount of motivation and the time to match. I could do all the things that run through my head at once.

I suppose with responsibility, there comes that suppression of desire. "I want to do this, but I need to do that."

Why does that suck so much? Why can't "I want to do this" be just that? "I want to do this and I need to do it." I suppose that although that's what everyone seeks, a vast majority accept it as a reality that they cannot obtain.

I wonder if I'm being foolish in continuing to pursue that ideal.

Responsibility

I always wonder, with people who are really responsible, do they ever consider being irresponsible?

I wonder what prevents them from being irresponsible.

I've gotten away with a lot of things in my life and some things were things that I was supposed to take responsibility for and no, I didn't get off scott-free, but the consequences were much less severe than was expected.

I suppose it's somewhat obvious that people need to be responsible or else the world would probably be more chaotic. Though sometimes I wonder if chaos is such a bad thing. Why do those things have to be categorized as "good" or "bad"? I mean certain things are obviously good and obviously bad. Murder with intent is bad (though in war, that too becomes blurred, doesn't it?). Food is very obviously good (haha just kidding, that's a bad example).

Actually, what is obviously good? Is it sad that almost all things in this world can be twisted and made in one way or another bad?

That sux.

Anyway, responsibility is annoying. I'm being immature and I know it, but sometimes I question. What's the point? Rat race really does aptly describe the feeling I get when I think about adulthood and the responsibility that comes with being one.