The Labyrinth of My Mind

(of course it's a cliche title... but it works)

Sometimes, I read some of the old stuff I wrote, and I can't tell what the heck I was thinking. Sometimes, the trails of thought I leave behind can be picked up again and continued. I do that with some of my old (extremely unfinished) stories. Yet, with others, I'm just baffled because I really don't write or think in lines or in any logical order. I like to think that most people don't, they've just learned to present it to themselves and the world in a logical/linear manner.

Looking back at my old private thought-files makes me realize my propensity for writing. I'm glad I'm in the field that I am. :)

I am, first and foremost, a human being

We compartmentalize. It makes the cognitive load on our brains lighter.

We categorize. It makes the world an easier place to understand.

We theorize. It makes the way the world works more palatable.

The aftereffects of my literary theory class are so ridiculous, yet I do enjoy the thinking behind what all of them did.

Gender boundaries. Age boundaries. Class boundaries. Racial boundaries. Cultural boundaries. Intellectual boundaries. Religious boundaries.

So many boundaries, while all the similarities across them are glossed over as anomalies.

Yet, in the end, we all have body parts. We all have a brain, more or less.

Citizen of the world.

I really like that idea because yes, there are differences among people - everyone is different - but those boundaries mean little with the similarities that exist.

What's funny is that I find myself having characteristics of a man and of a middle-aged woman (아즘마). I also have a lot in common with the 4th grader that I'm teaching.

Obviously there are vast differences. Perspective, where we're in life, opinions about the mundane and the important, and all those boundaries.

I think what bothers me about those boundaries is that they exist to classify people and those that don't fall under those classifications are weird, different, free-spirited or what have you. What ends up happening is that those classifications are what people see when they look at a person.

She's a white, female, middle-aged woman who is both blind and deaf.

Knowing those simple things automatically makes us categorize her into certain circles, stereotypes and assumptions. She may not be any of them, but instead of denying our stereotypes, we deny her individuality.

"Oh, she just happens to be different."

There are importances in such categorization, but it's definitely irritating to be subject to such categorization when it's inaccurate.

Sadly to say, despite my dislike of it, I am guilty of doing it as well (try as I might not to).

I am my own motivator and my own motivation

Well, this is not true exactly in that I am sometimes more motivated by the people I love to do better and to do well in life.

That aside, my sister told me that she thinks that one of the reasons we suffer in life (i.e. have painful experiences) is so that we can relate to other people with similar experiences on a deeper level. I suppose to put it differently, it allows us to better understand the difficulties people go through because we too have gone through something similar.

I sometimes feel that people want to unload their burdens onto me. More than one person has approached me with that kind of attitude. I suppose this is kind of horrible to do or perhaps this is somewhat heartless, but my approach to these people is that I try to impress upon them the idea that they cannot lean on, they cannot unload, they cannot seek solace outside of themselves. I suppose what it ends up translating to them (and quite unfortunately so) is that they realize they can't lean on me. But that's another discussion, I think.

Now, that's not to say that we shouldn't seek help, advice or sympathy from other people. What I mean is that ultimately, that change, that alleviation of whatever burden they carry, is on them. Other people can help them reach certain conclusions and being around certain types of people allow them to become that "better person," but change is internal. There's very little anyone else can do - it's so cliche but I find it to be very true.

I think perhaps these people are drawn to me because they perceive me as bright (I try to be happy, cheerful and all those nice little things that make people want to be around me - not because I want people around me... but I'll get into that in a bit). I also seem to be very put together (not my conclusion, but what others have put upon me because I disagree) - I'm not sure why but I suppose I come off that way but I suppose I do. They seek warmth because they perceive themselves to be cold. What I realized is that I too have that coldness and I too have that "darkness." Obviously I have burdens and obviously I have troubles. Obviously I have issues that I need to work out.

However, I also refuse to bring people down with me. My troubles are not that big of a deal. My issues can be put aside for two seconds to be courteous to the cashier, or to smile at a baby. I mean really. When I'm in certain situations, I try to put out positive energy because I don't want to be that person that brings everyone down. I don't want to perpetuate any kind of negative stereotypes and I don't want to be that person that adds to someone else's bad day. That doesn't mean that I want the whole world to be my friend, but I also don't want to make the whole world hate me. Does this mean I'm being fake? No, I think if anything, I just want to make the world a better place - with that in mind, I think it's easier for me to act according to those thoughts.

Suddenly, that seemingly bitch lady who cut me off is just someone who's tired and stressed out and feels like the world is out to get her. When someone is nice to her, maybe things will pick up and her day will get a little better. Perhaps that crabby old man never had anyone be polite to him. There's a lot of pain, hurt and anger that would make that man that way. When you see that people are human and they have off-days and circumstances that make them seem less human, you start to realize that you can't get angry at them for what they did to you - they can't help it. What you can change is how you react to them and maybe, just maybe, it'll make things a little better for them.

This is definitely one of those things that are easy in theory and pretty difficult in practice. The counterargument then goes "well what about when I'm having a bad day?" and when you try to be nice to the world and when you have an off day, the world spits in your face, it's pretty discouraging. I dunno. The way I see it, is that I don't expect anything from the world. Especially from people. Just because I try to understand them and see them as more human doesn't mean they'll do the same. They won't understand my situation and they won't even bother trying. Most people are like that because they're too busy thinking about their own troubles. If there are other people like me, I'm thankful and happy. If there aren't, so be it - that's how people generally are.

To think in a more positive way (the word "happierly" comes to mind, though it totally isn't an actual word), the change comes from within. This is why I say I'm my own motivator. Quite unfortunately, I think this also speaks to a darkness in me that requires to have such a motivator, but it's that daily battle to get out of it and to realize that there's more to life than focusing on one's issues and dwelling on difficult things. There are better and more beautiful things in life worth investing one's time in than stupid problems. At least that's the way I try to think.

Ice Cream Wars by John Ashbery

By the title alone, I thought, man! This poem's going to be great!

A quick read-through reveals that it's about something far deeper than ice cream (actually, I'm not even sure I got that there's any reference to ice cream at all...).

And here I thought it was literally about a war with ice cream (Ice cream cannons? Sticky stains of melted sugary goodness instead of blood? All wars should be fought like this!).

Oh well.

For those that are interested, the poem is here.

Poetry

I enjoy it, but sometimes, if it's depressing, I find myself as depressed as the tone of the poem.

Something about poems resonates deeper than the grammatically incorrect, unevenly broken up sentences that comprise a poem.

It's interesting because I think the term that was used to talk about poems that have a lilt and rhythm was lyric. "Song-like." I like that.

I suppose that's why sometimes poetry, like music, evokes something ineffable. 言葉だけ くせに。("even though it's only words" - the Japanese captures the tone I'm trying to get at better imo).

Wake up calls

Today, I was reminded that there's a person I aspire to be. Not what I eventually want to become career-wise, but the person I want to become on a day-to-day basis. Oh, it's stupid little things (like someone who doesn't waste time on 9gag or play stupid Facebook games, i.e. Candy Crush... -_-;;) but it's also lifestyle changes that I've been working on with some success. Working out regularly, eating (relatively) healthy, waking up early, etc.

For various reasons, and through an interesting conversation (that was also eye-opening because of the differences in perspective), I realized that I had forgotten of this person I want to become.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply denying the person I am by aspiring to become someone else, but honestly, I just think that there are two versions of me (in taking them to the extremes).

There's the incredibly unmotivated, somewhat depressed, ridiculously lazy, yet good-natured me. Kind of fat, enjoys a life of mediocrity, but is satisfied with it and simply gets by. This is I think what I end up defaulting to because it's easy.

Then there's the opposite, the diligent, focused, hardworking me who cares about the quality of my life beyond just finding that minimal day-to-day satisfaction. The me that seeks happiness and success in what I do (in the sense of being financially independent doing something I love). Me, who spends my time productively.

I feel like I'm so far from that, yet today reminded me that that's who I want to be and that's why I work, that's why I'm trying to do what I do instead of seeking something simple and easy, instead of doing something that falls into my lap.

I suppose there's two sides to this, but I prefer to think that I'm seeking a path that's worth going to the trouble of doing, rather than doing something that I know I can master in a couple years and then get bored with.

I was also reminded that I want to become a person with depth - that my hobbies and activities help refine me (though not define me - that would be an unfortunate narrowing of who I am) and that I seek to do all these things because there is far more depth to life than some of the pointless mundane things we do.

And yet, very ironically I just wasted the last two hours on 9gag and Candy Crush.

*sigh*

Why I don't consider myself an adult

It's unfortunate, but I associate many adults with a lack of the following:

Honesty. Purity of intention.

There have been two very distinct cases where people have tried to take advantage of me. Why is it that when a child does it, it seems more forgivable? Is it because of their seeming lack of experience and knowledge of the world? Conversely, is that why I feel that adults are more deplorable for having the knowledge and experience, yet deliberately choosing to do something that'll just blow up in their face?

It was a simple situation really.

Basically I'm subbing for someone. People know that and ask things of me that they know the answer to (which is pretty much 'no') so as to take advantage of the fact that I don't really know what I'm doing.

It's honestly quite disappointing of humanity really. I mean I suppose I expected it, but to see it up close and personal... It's ugly and distasteful.

I think this is part of the reason I hate dealing with people who want something from me and I'm even less inclined to give that something to them, whether it's a favor or food... or anything really. (Of course in cases where it's friends and whatever, I'm perfectly fine with people asking - it's just with people I don't know who come to me solely to milk me for whatever they want without any real consideration to me as a person or the time spent for their sake - those are the people that irritate me to no end. Inconveniencing people is one of my pet peeves...)

I suppose I find it hard to understand why people can't be more honest. I mean, granted, no one's perfect, honesty pays of in the end. To see dishonest people and to reveal them for it - I find it disgusting. I hope never to be like that.

One of the people in question has massive problems with one of her children and honestly, I can see why (as horrible as it is to say). I wouldn't want my mom to be like that either. I'd be ashamed of her to the point where I'd be ashamed of being a part of that family. I think that's one of the worst things that can happen in a family... for a child to be ashamed of his parent(s) not for something unreasonable, but for their inherent lack of what I'm going to call "goodness."

I mean for something so small, I wonder if I am spending too much time thinking about it and I may be. Yet, quite sadly, I feel justified in doing so because a breach in a small matter of trust means that the person, by nature is deceptive. You never want to work with those kinds of people.

In seeing the ugliness of other people, I too become ugly. I wish ill upon those people in what I think is the worst way possible - through humiliation. A staggering fall that forces them to see their folly and be on their knees in brokenness asking for forgiveness. In such a way that they change and never commit such a heinous act again.

I suppose I'm over-exaggerating (as usual), but in many ways, it's these little things that rot our society. It creates a stench and fouls up what used to be decent and good. I feel like such deception is what creates a lack of trust in society and a constant questioning of a person's ulterior motives. Yet, what's the alternate solution? Humans are by nature selfish and self-serving. To act out of trust implies acting out of honesty and one can't get what they seek through such methods. Hence the two-facedness.

Perhaps the most irritating bit is that there's little I can do about it, except look the person in the eye with disappointment and simply shake my head at them, turning myself into this hypocritical judge of character who when it really comes down to it, is really no different from her.

I don't like judging people. I don't feel that I have the right to judge people, yet shit like this happens and I'm simply disappointed.

Eh. I suppose arguably everyone has their flaws and what one finds deplorable, others may find tolerable. It's the same way for me and what others think of me...

Acceptance. That is the key to stress-free living, in my opinion.