Why I don't consider myself an adult

It's unfortunate, but I associate many adults with a lack of the following:

Honesty. Purity of intention.

There have been two very distinct cases where people have tried to take advantage of me. Why is it that when a child does it, it seems more forgivable? Is it because of their seeming lack of experience and knowledge of the world? Conversely, is that why I feel that adults are more deplorable for having the knowledge and experience, yet deliberately choosing to do something that'll just blow up in their face?

It was a simple situation really.

Basically I'm subbing for someone. People know that and ask things of me that they know the answer to (which is pretty much 'no') so as to take advantage of the fact that I don't really know what I'm doing.

It's honestly quite disappointing of humanity really. I mean I suppose I expected it, but to see it up close and personal... It's ugly and distasteful.

I think this is part of the reason I hate dealing with people who want something from me and I'm even less inclined to give that something to them, whether it's a favor or food... or anything really. (Of course in cases where it's friends and whatever, I'm perfectly fine with people asking - it's just with people I don't know who come to me solely to milk me for whatever they want without any real consideration to me as a person or the time spent for their sake - those are the people that irritate me to no end. Inconveniencing people is one of my pet peeves...)

I suppose I find it hard to understand why people can't be more honest. I mean, granted, no one's perfect, honesty pays of in the end. To see dishonest people and to reveal them for it - I find it disgusting. I hope never to be like that.

One of the people in question has massive problems with one of her children and honestly, I can see why (as horrible as it is to say). I wouldn't want my mom to be like that either. I'd be ashamed of her to the point where I'd be ashamed of being a part of that family. I think that's one of the worst things that can happen in a family... for a child to be ashamed of his parent(s) not for something unreasonable, but for their inherent lack of what I'm going to call "goodness."

I mean for something so small, I wonder if I am spending too much time thinking about it and I may be. Yet, quite sadly, I feel justified in doing so because a breach in a small matter of trust means that the person, by nature is deceptive. You never want to work with those kinds of people.

In seeing the ugliness of other people, I too become ugly. I wish ill upon those people in what I think is the worst way possible - through humiliation. A staggering fall that forces them to see their folly and be on their knees in brokenness asking for forgiveness. In such a way that they change and never commit such a heinous act again.

I suppose I'm over-exaggerating (as usual), but in many ways, it's these little things that rot our society. It creates a stench and fouls up what used to be decent and good. I feel like such deception is what creates a lack of trust in society and a constant questioning of a person's ulterior motives. Yet, what's the alternate solution? Humans are by nature selfish and self-serving. To act out of trust implies acting out of honesty and one can't get what they seek through such methods. Hence the two-facedness.

Perhaps the most irritating bit is that there's little I can do about it, except look the person in the eye with disappointment and simply shake my head at them, turning myself into this hypocritical judge of character who when it really comes down to it, is really no different from her.

I don't like judging people. I don't feel that I have the right to judge people, yet shit like this happens and I'm simply disappointed.

Eh. I suppose arguably everyone has their flaws and what one finds deplorable, others may find tolerable. It's the same way for me and what others think of me...

Acceptance. That is the key to stress-free living, in my opinion.

The power of appearances

I was talking to two friends about this on two separate occasions and it really makes me wonder (of course being in Korea always makes me think of how I look to others... It's sad, really).

I realize it isn't simply about good-looking or bad-looking as much as it's about the atmosphere or I suppose the better word would be carriage of a person. So how the person is treated does come from one's inner workings - i.e. confidence level, personality, thoughts and the person's mood and health at the time of the exchange.

Okay so to backtrack, basically the question or the thought is this:

To what extent are people affected by how they look? What I mean is that based on how a person looks, people around them will treat them a certain way. So a cute, bubbly baby will be treated with more attention and in many ways, love and care by not necessarily their parents alone, but by strangers who meet that baby. So from a very young age, the child is treated "better." Then there's another child who is always fretful and crying. The annoying brats who cry all the time. Perhaps they will be treated with more care and attention by the care-givers, but who wants to be friends with someone like that? That affects children.

As people age, they evolve. Looks evolve and people look better or worse. There are other factors, like people getting fatter or skinnier, there's always plastic surgery, etc.

In Korea, it's really apparent on how people get treated - it's happened to me on several occasions and I somewhat disagree with the obvious favoritism. It isn't just the cute guy/girl getting better treatment, but the more positive, seemingly nicer-looking person gets better treatment, be it freebies, services or general attitude and treatment from the other party.

So then how does that affect a person? Their personality? Their reaction to people?

I mean one could argue that in the end, a person is themselves, but are they really? Do people not realize just how much they are affected by society, culture and the thoughts and opinions of people around them?

Then again, I wonder. Is it just me that feels myself getting pushed and pulled along by these things? Am I simply weak-willed and unable to find my own footing among all these influences?

I think that's why I try to make a point to be nicer to people who look mean, or leave negative impressions. Sometimes people can't help the way they look. It may or may not be an indication of who they are as a person. Sadly though, there are stereotypes and the unfortunate truth is that those stereotypes exist for a reason. A person is perceived to be sinister because somewhere, something inside has caused them to have such an expression.

In the end, I really don't know. I mean it obviously doesn't do well to judge someone based on how they look (and again, this is not based on attractiveness, but more on the impression the person leaves - and not just the first impression). At the same time, I don't think that it's entirely wrong to say that one shouldn't look at a person's carriage (I think that the argument that a person's inner workings is manifested physically isn't entirely inaccurate.).

I suppose the way to go about it would be simply to reserve judgment until proven one way or another, but I would imagine this to be nigh impossible.

Eh. In the end, I prefer to believe in the general good of people. Well, at least in the capability for people to do good. I suppose that's good enough for me.

부푼다

나는 러면처럼 부풀고있다.

I am becoming like soggy noodles.

It doesn't really work in English, I think. Though I don't think it makes much sense in Korean, either.

I'm getting fat. I suppose that was my attempt at saying it in a colorful way.

I don't mean fat. Like fat people fat. I simple mean that everything is jiggling a little more and that my body feels heavier.

It's quite unpleasant.

I need to start working out again.

Voices inside my head

I think I've become more pessimistic in my general outlook on life, but I've definitely also become more inspired - at least that's what the voices in my head tell me.

I suppose what I mean is that I don't necessarily think the best in people anymore (I think I did okay if I've lasted this long ^^) in that I think that now I acknowledge the reality of people's actions. If a person has ill intent, I can now pick up on it. That's probably what it is. I hope it doesn't turn into cynicism though.

I think what it is though, is really my thoughts in terms of how I phrase things. For instance, "these are my thoughts on this topic." sounds perfectly sane and normal. "The voices in my head tell me these things on this topic." sounds crazy and out of control. Probably because someone who doesn't seem to be oneself is telling one things. Honestly though, aren't thoughts kind of like that? When you have conflicting thoughts and feelings, isn't it just that? The voices inside your head are trying to overrule whatever you desire to do. If that is articulated - "I want to eat ice cream" - and you logic yourself out of it - "But I'll get fat" - isn't that a voice that is simply yours telling you that you shouldn't eat ice cream?

I mean it just sounds creepy and weird when such thoughts are expressed in the above manner, but if you think about it, it really is simply a manipulation of a situation to sound one way or another. That's how in a court case, the criminal can be portrayed as the victim, regardless of how heinous the crime.

I've come to realize though that my portrayal of such situations has become less favorable. I don't look at things in such an optimistic light, I guess. It's not good because I need to learn to package things to make them what they are rather than putting in a negative light. I think the hardest thing to do (perhaps even impossible) is to try to present something in a purely neutral manner. I think a lot of thinkers would argue that this is impossible (though I disagree).

At any rate, rather than being more pessimistic, I think I've just changed the way I talk about things and it isn't put in the best light (is that pessimism?) and it reflects a change in my general outlook.

So how does this relate to inspiration? Well if I've started to see things in a more negative light, there's more room for despair and hopelessness in the sense of "well if things suck so much, what's the point of even trying?". Yet I definitely don't feel that way. Perhaps in acknowledging the reality of things (can being more pessimistic be considered as being more real?), I've also realized what I need to do to overcome such things (whether it's negative thinking, mean people, etc.).

Hm. Not sure what it is. I suppose (as is the case with the last entry) I might have to come back to this, but for now, I shall leave it as such.

The desert of the real is a candyland oasis

We live in an era where reality no longer matters.

What Baudrillard despaired over with the desert of the real is no longer a barren land of false realities and crushed expectations. What is happening is a fusion of the real, the hyperreal, and a fiction of reality that one wants to create.

I suppose the thought is this:

If you don't like reality, create one that you find more palatable, but just make sure to acknowledge that it isn't what is really there. Even if it isn't the "truth," who cares, right? You can believe in a rose-colored existence, knowing that it's rose-colored but at least in that opium-riddled cloud of happiness, "harsh" reality will simply be easier to deal with.

Obviously it runs the gamut but if we're all living in the hyperreal anyway, why not create one that's fun and interesting?

I'm not sure if I agree with such thinking yet I find myself guilty of doing exactly that.

"Every cloud has a silver lining."
"Well if you look at it another way, it isn't so bad."
"At least it isn't......"

I mean obviously there's a fine line between optimism and having a false sense of reality but how fine of a line is it really?

Gah. Today my thoughts have been all over the place in a messy, illogical way. I might have to come back and fix this one.

Binaries

Much of the way the world is processed is through binaries. People see things as good/bad, fun/boring, efficient/inefficient, etc.

I realized that the world does not exist in any sort of binary at all. Things simply are and we put these things into categories of binaries. I think that's what a lot of literary theorists, especially post-structuralists try to do away with (the putting of things into binaries, giving things meaning that don't have or shouldn't have meaning, etc.).

The whole idea of a binary is not only flawed because of the fact that binaries are arguably simply a social construct, I realized the whole base of two "things are good or bad" is really wrong because there exists things that are neither good nor bad. Just as there are things that neither immoral nor moral (hence the word amoral). For example, an apple that falls from a tree is neither moral or immoral, it simply is. It can be argued that it is amoral. If the apple falls, hits a man on the head and kills him, this too is considered amoral because it was simply something that happened. Now there can be all sorts of arguments in terms of whether or not the man deserved it, whether it was his fate or whatever but focusing on the apple that fell from the tree, the act in and of itself does not fall into the realm of morality.

The whole idea of duality is in many ways absurd. Even the most basic of binaries (though how basic it is  could be argued) is debatable - male and female. Where do hermaphrodites come into play? Or someone with Down's Syndrome who has the extra X chromosome. A "woman" with a penis or a "man" with breasts (naturally, of course). These people don't fit into a "category" and the binary starts to fall apart.

But then again, the whole desert of the real thing comes into play because if there's no standard, there's no truth and nothing - no foundation - for people to build meaning/beliefs onto. By beliefs, I don't mean religious beliefs, though that is part of it - I mean how people order and understand the world. I think that by and large, such beliefs are built by society and culture, though it really is a dialectic. Perhaps it could be said that what one person says and does that influences another in thought is what creates culture.

I think basically what it is, is that a person can arguably be culture because if they lived on an island they would create whatever lifestyle they wanted. If another person entered the picture, then rules and boundaries would be created. A different culture would be created through the interaction of the two people. That's why when two people (married or otherwise connected) don't interact with the rest of the world, they get "weird" to the outsiders. They've created their own culture. Then, grow that to a family, a group of families, a city and so on and so forth. Culture. Yet culture is fluid because people process things differently and think differently. However, it is not the sum of each individual's thoughts, patterns or culture, it is a compromise or the "mathematical" average of those individuals. There's always a pushing and pulling of one way to another and the way the group thinks or is expected to think has an effect on the individual, growing the thoughts, growing the ideologies and changing or shifting them as a reaction for or against culture. I suppose that's why there's so much talk about mainstream culture, the backlash (think hipsters) and other deviations of what is considered to be the norm. I suppose that's why there's all those talks about how the norm does not exist. Everyone and everything is a derivation of what culture has created to be normal.

My snooty side

Misspelled, it's snotty. Oh language. :P

Perhaps the irony is in that I feel that both words apply.

Snotty because of my immaturity in thinking that I can be snooty.

I do have a snooty voice in my head and it says very snooty things to me in a very snooty voice. It's interesting because it's at times like these when I realize how little I know and how un-entitled to such snootiness I really am.

What a funny word, snooty.

I think I prefer snotty.