Just the right motivation at just the right time

I realize that I don't listen to anyone. Pretty much no one, if I try to list names. I don't listen to authority because I simply don't care. I mean I'm not a rebel. I don't sit blatantly go against people I don't care about or care about for that matter. I try to be a good person. I listen to what people have to say, I help when I can, and as much as I can, I try not to do it for anyone else but for that person, or for myself. It may sound selfish that I'm helping others for myself (there apparently can be a whole philosophical debate on altruism...), but I think it's better than doing something to look good in front of others. The unfortunate truth is that I do do that. I try not to, but I do. That's why I try so hard not to do things to look good in front of others. I have a tendency to go in that direction (oh, but doesn't everyone?) so I stop myself when I catch myself doing something for the sake of reputation, looks or whatever else you want to call it. I think that's part of the reason why I have so much fear of being recognized as a "local" in a certain area or being known as something. I get branded as something, and then in many ways, I almost feel like I'm forced to act according to my brand. I have to meet those expectations or else people's opinion of me goes down. Those expectations that I know I'm not going to meet is what makes me want to travel. To be unknown, yet do good. That's what I came to realize I want to do. I suppose the counterargument is that other people's opinions don't matter and yes, to a certain extent they don't. What sucks is actually, they kind of do, because if you want to do something with your life or get somewhere, do something, those very people whose opinions you've chosen not to care about could help you get to that point. That's why they say networking is so important and that's why in many ways, sometimes, I just want to be a hermit in a mountain somewhere. I mean then it becomes "well you just need to look good in front of them." No. That's my answer. No. I am me. I think what it is, is that I don't want to change myself or compromise myself in the name of looking good in front of others. Eh. It's a long and hackneyed discussion. Let us move on.

In the end, is my desire not to have a title, not to be associated or branded as a certain type of person just running away from responsibility and taking consequences for one's actions? To do good is one thing, but to constantly do good is another and it's something that I've come to realize I can't do. I can't do constant. Consistency is something I severely lack and I've always severely lacked (I can trace it to the age of 12, when I started to stay up late to finish my homework...). I wonder though, with the new year, if I can really change that. Oh please don't let it just be a new years resolution. That's just stupid. That's why I never liked new years resolutions. Why does a resolution, a re-evaluation of oneself have to come during the new year? One should constantly be re-evaluating oneself. It doesn't happen which is why people do it during the new year, but I suppose I just don't like that it's only done once a year and then the next 11 months of the year become a glaring reminder of what people view as their shortcomings. Eh.

So going back to this idea of listening to people - I suppose their advice or their opinions on things. When it comes to life, if I don't feel that I need to listen to you, or if I feel that your experience and knowledge aren't complete - in the sense that what I know and what I've been through is comparable, I won't blatantly undermine your experience and knowledge, but I will undermine your opinion. It isn't in any disrespectful way - as in I won't disregard or discredit what you have to say - the point is that everyone can be wrong. We only know the lense of what society and history as taught us. However hackneyed life lessons are, we don't fully understand it until we've experienced it ourselves. That's why people can talk about love, suffering, hate, relationships and all sorts of issues but unless they've personally experienced it, they really don't know the depth of those things. People can talk about these things apart from living it and it becomes a logical formula that people just need to follow. However, it isn't as simple as that. I think that's why when it comes to a lot of life decisions, I ask a lot of people. Not because I don't value certain people's opinions, but because I don't think anyone has the right answer. In the end, our decisions are our own - however we choose to make of them. That's why I value the opinion of the Bible. It has life. It understands the human condition. We may think we have it, but we really don't - that's why there are still those stupid sayings, those stupid motivational speakers, those stupid nudgings everywhere that tell us to stop living the life we're living because something about it is inherently wrong. It's interesting because at least after industrialization, it's been that way.

Anyway, I digress yet again. I could rant on and on about life yet reach no conclusion.

I talked to my dad. He's a wonderful man, really. He's so ambitious and it really is inspiring to see him work and to remember where he's come from and what he's accomplished despite such humble beginnings. I realized after talking to him that he's one of the few people I'll listen to. It isn't because he's lived his life perfectly or because he's all-knowing or always right. He just knows the reality of life. It's usually something simple "we do things because we have to" but contains so much truth. I don't know - it was something I'd been telling myself these past couple of weeks I'd been so useless but I suppose hearing it from him made the difference.

Anyway, I love my parents. That was really the point of this entry though it's gone in circles to other directions. ^^

Old Posts

Sometimes I start posts/thoughts that I mean to post (I only have like 3 really) but when I go back to finish them, I realize that I no longer care to finish that thought/post. Basically, if I've thought something out in my head, it's difficult for me to go back and complete on "paper." In other words, if the thought's been completed and I've reached some kind of conclusion, it doesn't need to be jotted down. It almost makes me question whether or not I should be writing them in the first place. What's equally unfortunate is that if I've come to some conclusion, I do like to think that I've absorbed the lesson learned and moved on, but more often than not, I find myself coming across the very same conclusion I had made years ago, simply because I've reached it and forgotten it, like a dusty old box of memories that I found in the attic of my brain. Eh. I suppose the new thing that I'm trying to do is to take these "conclusions" that I've reached and do something about it.

작심삼일. It roughly translates to 3 days of passion (after which one's passion and drive completely dies). It's what is described as the motivation that a person has to do something that lasts a very short period of time. This is what my action based on my conclusion is like. How to change such things?

Oh new years, why do you make one think of such things?

I wish I could liken myself to Coleridge, who was told that he would amount to nothing for lack of concentration and ambition to see a project through. In the end, I'm just latching onto less favorable qualities of famous writers so as to justify those same qualities I see in myself so that I could validate my desire to be a writer in some way or another. It's funny how many times I roll my eyes at myself.

Concentration Level: 0

Seriously, two weeks (or less than that, I think). I cannot concentrate worth anything. I suppose it's been like this for a while, but it's been far worse. I think I'm cut out for teaching. I taught for more than 3 hours straight with no problem at all. I've been trying to work (my real job) and I cannot for the life of me work longer than  30 minute blocks.

Doing the undesirable? Yes, but I like this job. I like my boss. It's not enough. Gah.

I needta stop complaining but seriously, my head's going to explode. T.T