Peace

It's odd because for all the chaos that's in this picture, I feel oddly calmed by this picture. I think it has something to do with the harmony of the colors and the juxtaposition with the chaos and the blank nothingness below. And probably with the cute little animal's facial expression.

I mean if I really wanted to psychoanalyze myself or give it some kind of connection, it probably has to do with all the stuff that's going on in my life. Yet like the animal, even with all that, the animal still looks content. Also, the animal isn't surrounded by chaos but is creating it - I suppose kind of like having a lot of creative energy? I've been feeling that way lately (been wanting to create art, regardless of how bad it is... ^^;;) so I suppose in that way I also can relate. I mean chaos is not necessarily and bad thing and just like how there is a certain artistic balance in the chaotic dream (creative?) bubble, so is there a balance in the chaos called my life.

But in the end, it's just me spouting nonsense.

I just like this picture. It brings me peace. :)

Tickled

I suppose if I had been in any other mood, I would've been thoroughly entertained. Because I was in a pretty bad mood, I was only a little tickled. I don't think that's quite the right word, but I can't think of a better way of expressing it. I suppose mildly entertained would also suffice but I think "tickled" fits the feeling that I have right now. It's like a giggle is brushing against the back of my throat, kind of like the way a nose tickles right before a sneeze.  Only to find to one's dismay, that the sneeze won't come out and one is left off worse than before because one now has this weird feeling in one's nose that should've been purged through a sneeze but was not. I suppose that's kind of how I feel right now 'cept I don't suppose I feel worse off.

At any rate, I bought some wine at the local grocery store and I guess because I had this rebellious I-hate-life-and-everything-in-it and I was only buying wine (like an alchy), I guess I looked suspicious. So, because I was dressed like every other teenager in Seoul (and not like my age group), the checkout person looked at me kind of funny and carded me. ("You look kind of young - I'm going to have to check your ID."). I literally stared at her for like 10 seconds because I didn't understand what she was asking for. Then I started to crack up and told her that I was thankful that she was carding me (because it means I look young). Even thinking about it now, it almost brings a smile to my face. I mean, to be completely honest, I was kind of flattered (especially because I think the drinking age is even younger here - like 20? 19?). At any rate, I suppose looking young has its perks.

I have to say, when you're feeling the shits, life (God?) really has a way of picking you up.

A lot of the times, when a day is going bad, they say it usually gets worse, but I guess it really depends on what you pay attention to and how you take it.

A good meal, some good wine to finish it off, a decent conversation with one of the 'rents and all of a sudden, the world seems like a better place.

Maybe I was just hungry and irritable.

Distractions

Is life about distracting yourself from the mundane? Take away all the things you do on a daily basis - the boring, the same and the repetitive and what are you left with?

Why are people so bored? Why do people want to travel? Why do people want adventure? I don't think I'm the only one that feels this way. For the lack of anything better to do, to think about, people indulge in a variety of activities - whether it be good for them or detrimental to their overall health.

For example, think of women who have a love interest. They obsess about this guy. A lot of times, the guy is only half-assedly interested and shows that he is, but these women and her friends psychoanalyze his every move, action and words, construing and misconstruing it in every single possible way and thinking about every single permutation of what he could possibly be thinking. When in the end, it really is what that book title was about: He's Just Not That Into You. Really. It's ridiculous. But do you suppose it's because they have nothing better or interesting to think about that their conversation ends up revolving around this? Sometimes I feel like a lot of women obsess not because of the object of their obsession as much as a lack of anything else to obsess about. I mean if you have nothing better to do, will you not focus on whatever seems to be the most interesting  at the time?

People who want to travel. They want to get out of that bubble they call everyday life. Is traveling so interesting because it's so different from what their normal lives are? Because it's interesting? Why do people travel? I'm one of the people that fall into this category, I think. Life can be pretty boring. I like traveling because it's interesting. I don't have a particularly boring every day life, but I like traveling for a change of pace and scenery. I like being in a new environment and getting to know the people and area around me. It's different. It's exciting. I like seeing different cultures and the reactions of people to me as a person. I like the transience of traveling. There's less consequence when traveling in the sense that more likely than not, I will never see these people again. A lot of people take this opportunity to be assholes or to do as they please, but for me, it means that I can be totally and completely giving, without having to worry about them coming back to me for favors. This is my irresponsibility speaking because I hate it when people rely on me and ask me for favors. I like helping people, but only when they don't expect me to help. Weird, huh?

Addictions. For me it'd be anime, for others, drugs, for others, sex, yet others, food - the list goes on. Is it to escape reality? Is life really that boring, that unexciting to have to seek these things out, to feel something different? I think what's more difficult to overcome than depression or anger (not that these are easy to overcome - that's a whole other story) is apathy. I mean at least with depression or anger, there is some kind of feeling - if you channel it differently, it can turn into something positive. It's like Newton's laws of motion. If something is moving, at least it can be moved somewhere. With apathy, it isn't moving so to move it requires that much more force. I'm not belittling depression or anger at all because I know how difficult it is to get out of it, it's just that I feel like perhaps it's harder to get someone who's completely inured to feeling to feel again.

Perhaps this is why people seek some kind of stimulation through whatever they're interested or obsessed with.

Is it really just a question of fulfillment? Does it mean that that many people in the world are not finding fulfillment in their lives that they have to find it through some kind of external stimulation? Why is it that people have to feel fulfilled? To what end?

I suppose then we get into that age-old question of "what is the meaning of life?" and all that other stuff. Not something I particularly want to get into at this point. It's just that people obsess. Why? I know right now, it's because I'm bored. So I interest myself with other things. Then I'm not bored and I stop obsessing. So does it really just come down to channeling? To what? Why?

Eh. I need to study. That's life. (But exactly what is life?)

Such is the exploration of these useless things called thoughts.

[edit]

I just realized, what about one's obsession with music or dance? Or the arts? Is it fulfillment or self-expression? When does it matter that it's different? Is this also an exploration of interest and excitement? Is it an expression of the changes/movement in one's life?

Solitude

Solitude: isolation without the desolation

I don't know why I thought of this while I was sleeping (and I actually remembered it!) but I did. I didn't think of the solitude part until later. I remember I was dreaming about something and then all of a sudden, as if to explain the situation (which I no longer remember), "ISOLATION WITHOUT THE DESOLATION" kind of popped into my head. Weird, huh?

 Thought I'd share.

[edit]

From Milan Kundera's Immortality "Solitude: a sweet absence of looks." Out of context, it kind of doesn't make sense but I thought it was interesting that he wrote about the very thing I was thinking about. I wonder if there's some kind of gravitation towards literature that one can relate to? I mean I had no idea that Kundera would write about solitude, but maybe something about the writing style resonated in me that I returned to it (I had started reading it but I started reading a different book so I had put it down).

One of Those Girls

I never knew that I had it in me but I guess if you try hard enough you can.

I was recounting the way I got to know a friend of mine and I realized that that person's image of me is probably the shits. I mean normally, I'm pretty confident about my image with people (I mean I don't know the details, but I'm pretty sure most people think me as friendly, nice and perhaps a little eccentric or at least a little different - though I don't really think I'm all that abnormal - but at least I know they don't have a negative opinion of me). Anyway, I mean there are probably just as many people who have a skewed image of me, but I guess it's just that this time around, I actually care. It kind of sucks. I wonder if a first/second impression is as hard to change as I think it is. I mean, I know I judge by first impressions though I try not to (and by "try" I don't really think I try all that hard unless I have reason to be interested in the person/I want to get to know the person which is pretty rare if I don't have a good first impression of them.......). I mean there are more to people than meets the eye - at least I like to think - but I know a vast majority of the people don't/won't think that way; whatever first impression you give, that's basically the image they have of you. It'll stick. I mean I don't know. I like to think that I'm multi-faceted (there's probably a better word than this...) enough that the first impression of me isn't enough to know who I am but most people don't know that. Is that why I'm so often misunderstood? I mean I suppose I bring that on myself, but I like to think that if a person doesn't take the time to realize that I'm different from whatever first impression they had of me, they aren't really worth the trouble, right? Hm. Perhaps it isn't worth the trouble to try to change this friend's mindset. (Oh the deep, troublesome questions of life)

At any rate, I don't know, I think I've fallen into a category of girls that I thought I would never fall into and in a way, its humiliating. I suppose it's good for my pride since pride is always unnecessary... But still. It kind of sucks. Eh, something else I've learned in life. With this, one grows from the lessons learned, right? Ew. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to learn by doing. It'd just be better for everyone's sake.

Solutions

I hate problems or dilemmas with no solutions.

I don't mean issues that have multiple solutions or other options/routes that can be taken. I mean situations where there is no way to turn it around and no solution can ever be found.

Something that is so irrevocably done that that in and of itself is the solution. I believe in the malleability of results so when the situation becomes one of no solution, if that ending is unfavorable, then suddenly, there is no hope. Is this called regret?

I prefer either the open-ended-there-are-many-solutions-but-no-right-answer-type issues, or the there-is-only-one-right-answer-type situations.

It's unfortunate that some things just cannot be changed or taken back.