Oh the horror

I read my old posts, chuckle at myself because I think I'm interesting to myself and then stop myself in horror for thinking that way. -_-;;

Things that don't make sense about me

I think anime is a waste of time.

Yes, I watch copious amounts of anime but in the end, I don't feel like I gain as much as I watch.

So today I wasted 4 hours on youtube and 9gag and various other waste-of-time websites. And then I "regretted" that time because I could've spent it watching anime. Which in many ways doesn't make sense (Why would you want to do something else that you also consider a waste of time? Wouldn't you rather spend it productively?)

I suppose it makes logical sense (to me) because if I was going to waste time anyway (something I don't like doing but do all the time) I wished I could've done it with something I like a lot more. I mean in the end, a waste of time is a waste of time so why not waste time "productively"? :P

I realized in this sense, I'm still such a kid. I don't care if I'm soon going to enter my late 20s (geez I feel ancient), I still suck at life.

I don't care how late it is or what I have to do the next day, if I want to stay up, I will.

If a little kid is being bratty at me, I'll be bratty right back. Those little brats...

I still can't keep track of time.

I suppose in some ways this could easily turn into one of those stupid new years resolution things, but let's not go there.

Oh well, such is life. Hopefully there will be more improvements in the future.

I suppose it's not the best of posts for Christmas, but I'm glad it is Christmas! Christmas is awesome! :)

Hopefully next year, I'll be somewhere cooler!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Yay for Jesus~

God's love

Too true!

"God loves you in spite of the way you are!" - from here

This guy, Mark Gungor is hilarious. But he also speaks a lot of truth.

Here's one of his clips (on my fb as well :P):

Blessed

Have you ever realized how blessed you are? I mean it in the Christian sense, but for non-Christians as well - have you ever noticed just how much you have? I know it's past Thanksgiving and the whole being thankful bit's kind of done and over with, but I can't help feeling that I've just been so blessed. Do I have anything in particular to be thankful for? I have no job, no love prospects, no real hope for the future (especially in this economy) and yet, I'm happy.

Honestly, if you think about society nowadays, there's a lot to be thankful for. We live in a society where if you run out of food, you just run to the grocery store to get more. Where more people don't want war than do. Where the government (however unreliable it seems) is pretty stable (yes, it's going downhill, but people are still somehow making a living, are they not?). Yes, there are many people who do not have enough, who want more, who can't afford to buy groceries, etc. but we live in a society where people like this help out those who need it.

In the end, if you focus on what you don't have, there's no end. When you realize what you do have, all of a sudden, the world doesn't seem like such a terrible place.

I suppose this entry is pretty fluffy because I mean if you really want to make a counterargument, I would probably wouldn't be able to say much in return. In the end, my point is that there's a lot to be thankful for in this world. It's all a matter of how one looks at it, right?

Can't sleep. And a good quote.

The quote's good so I shall post that first:

"Let us eat and drink
for tomorrow we die."

(it's from at least two places in the Bible - Jeremiah and 1 Corinthians).

I just thought it was a cool verse because I mean it has the end of the worlds feel to it and a very pagan feel (if misinterpreted or taken out of context like right now) but just the length and profundity of it just made me stop and literally "kyaaaaa" (like that sound you make after taking a refreshing drink of water when you're really thirsty) because I just liked it!

I think I like it because it's has the don't-wait-do-everything-now-life-is-short-carpe-diem kind of feel to it.

Anyway, obviously this won't be the case for many and future planning is something I'm trying to learn (and failing at quite well) but I think it's kind of like what my friend told me his motto was - memento mori (remember death) because it is closer than we think. It's that age-old idea of "what if you really were to die tomorrow?" kind of thing. Did you really live the life you wanted to? For me, the answer is still no.

So I hope I live longer to achieve what I want to achieve.

Moving on to insomnia.

I took a 2 1/2 hr nap from 8:30-11pm. I don't know why I ever think it's a good idea to take a nap so late at night (or why, when I force myself to wake up, I think it's a good idea to get out of bed and be "productive"). I never can go back to sleep. And if it's morning and the same thing happens, I have absolutely no trouble falling back asleep.

It makes no sense.

Peanut Butter

Because milk is made for calves and not for humans, they say that dairy is "unnatural" and bad for humans. Although there are conflicting studies about this, from a "natural" point of view this kind of makes sense. But then again, so would eating meat raw, because that's what's "natural." (Though I vaguely remember reading an article about like one other animal species that "cooked" their food).... I mean if you think about it, the whole idea of cooking food is weird from this "natural" point of view. Electricity is weird. Staying up late is weird (well it's been proven that it's unhealthy in many many ways but that's another story).

So in the end, I don't think what's considered "natural" dictates what's good for the human body.

Just because the rate of osteoporosis in higher in America where the milk consumption is higher doesn't necessitate correlation (similar to how there is no correlation between higher ice cream sales and higher rates of crime in the summer).

I mean if you think about it, a lot of people are allergic to peanuts. Does that mean that people should stop eating peanuts (just like a vast majority of people are lactose-intolerant)? Is there something about peanuts that humans naturally can't process that means that we shouldn't eat it? There are apparently many uses for peanuts and many health benefits that come with eating peanuts so this is not necessarily true.

But then again, this is my "logical" reasoning trying to justify eating all the cheese and ice cream I eat. And all the milk and eggs I use in my cooking. Meh!

Some things unfortunately never change

Well, I suppose things just change at a snail's pace. It's actually kind of irritating how little has changed since I came to Korea. It's literally like whattheheck?! (exactly said without the spaces between the words).

I think the only thing that's changed is I cook more, and I read the Bible/pray more. I mean even looking at my little "List of what I want to accomplish while I'm not working" list from like 2009 (and posted again a couple months later), not much has changed.


1. Study for the GRE
2. Read
3. Write
4. Sleep regularly
5. Work out
6. See Seoul

So I guess I did okay with 1-3, and 6 (more or less... kind of... sort of........) but I've pretty much never slept regularly for a very very long time. I think it happened once last year because I was so into my job that I would sleep early in order to be in better shape to go to work in the morning. It's kind of sad how inefficient I am at sleeping. -_-

I stopped working out. I'm getting to my unforgivably fat stage where it's uncomfortable to sit and slump because my stomach fat folds over on itself. It's gross.

But yeah! I mean basically... I still don't do anything regularly and I still have no self-discipline whatsoever. I don't know. I suppose it's gotten a little better but in the end, I feel like little progress has been made.

Seemingly Paradoxical

I hate being seen as weak but I hate being relied upon.

Seriously, it needs to stop

Every time I think I've "cured" my insomnia, it flares up again.

I wonder if it's the coffee I drink around 4-5pm. I mean that's not that late, is it?

Gaah. It's 4:30 again.

Things to do before I die

I really hope to have a hundred of these. It's just cool to actually try these things, y'know?

1. Climb Mt. Everest. Apparently, just knowing how to climb mountain won't do anything. I mean you need to prepare for like a year at least to get good enough to climb it. There's issues with oxygen intake and all that too because of the high altitude. And you need to know how to camp outdoors. It's apparently like $100K to climb the freaking thing.

2. Go to the Pitcairn Islands. Completely random, but I stumbled across these islands from reading a news article about milk but these islands are like ridiculously remote and apparently a place for "adventure tourists" (among historians, bird-watchers and the like). It just sounds cool. There's a boat that goes there like 3 times a year so I want to go. It's another expensive one though: http://www.pacific-expeditions.com/default.asp. ($6,400 to visit all four islands).

3. Visit the underwater resort in Fiji. http://www.poseidonresorts.com/poseidon_main.html It's called Poseidon Undersea Resort and it's $15,000. For 7 days. But there's all sorts of things that come with it and it oddly seems worth it.

4. See the aurora borealis. I just think it'd be really cool to see.

So this is it so far. Basically, I need to be rich when I'm old and gray. I wonder if I can just fly to the peak of Mt. Everest and take a bunch of pictures.... I suppose it's not the same as the actual experience (which would be really really cool....).

Now to actually save and do these things! :D

[edit]

Added a couple more:

5. Go to the Salt Flat in Salar de'Uyuni, Bolivia during the rainy season. I got this from here and I think it's really really cool. "The border between Heaven and Earth..."

6. See Gunkanjima (Hashima). Just seems kind of cool. Got it from 9gag and got more info from Wikipedia.  I might actually be able to go here this year. *hopefully* (Wanting to go to this island is partially inspired by the fact that there's a Gunkanjima in One Piece. Sad. I know. But I still want to go.)

7. Walk around the world. Again from 9gag. Basically if you go to either axis of the world, it can be done, right?

[update]
So, these trips sound cool, but I realized that I don't care to do half of these things. If I died before I did them, I wouldn't have any regrets.

I think the only one that really matters that I genuinely want to do is #4.

Cantabile

It just sounds more romantic in a different language.

That's how I want to write - lyrically, where the starts and stops can be seen and almost felt and the rise and fall of tone can be heard. I can hear it because I know what I want to say and how I want to say it, but can I truly convey it to others?

Song-like prose. It almost sounds like an oxymoron.

Chocolate and Cigarettes

I've decided that I like coffee because it is like chocolate and cigarettes. Good coffee just reminds me of chocolate. I don't know if its the graininess or how the dark flavor has depth (like dark chocolate - I mean the real 86% dark chocolate) but something about the aftertaste or the overall effect of coffee is very much like chocolate. It makes me happy.

In the same way, the initial inhale and exhale after the first sip of coffee reminds me of the first drag of a cigarette. The whole body tenses up to expand the lungs to take in that first puff and as the smoke is released, the whole body relaxes. Although I don't smoke, that's very much what I imagine the sensation to be like in the morning. For me, that's what coffee does. After that first sip, there's the fragrance of coffee still lingers and with a deep breath, I can almost feel the caffeine rushing to my head. When I exhale, all of a sudden, I feel ready to take on the world.

Always realizing

Oh, life's little (big?) realizations.

I wonder if it's an age thing. It seems like it is - I forget which book I was reading but it mentioned that. The whole "younger kids are less sure about themselves" kinda thing. I wonder if that's why those Korean 아줌마s (middle-aged women) are so rude/bold and... scary. They're perfectly fine with being who they are in front of whoever and they won't take anything from anyone, even if that means they make everyone around them uncomfortable. Eh. I never want to be one of those people though. Confidence is one thing, being rude is another. Rudeness in my mind is almost unforgivable. (I say almost because one should always strive to be forgiving, right?)

Life Motto?

"Do what you can, take it as far as it goes, and if it doesn't work out, then leave it at that."

I don't know, this has kind of been what I've been trying to embody lately. With recent events it seems that this is the best kind of approach to take. I mean in the end, there's no point in worrying, right? ("Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere")

So what's the next thing you can do? Do all that you can, and if it doesn't work out, well at least you've done all you could, right? I think the important thing is to aim high. The higher you aim, the closer you'll get to whatever success you had in mind, right?

Then what it comes down to is time. I feel like I never have enough time to do anything. Though I realized if I cut out anime, there's a lot more I could do. I wonder if anime outweighs all my other hobbies that much more. Eh.

Again, do what you can, take it as far as it goes, and see what happens.

I suppose that's another way to look at it too.

Voice Acting

Starting to get serious about it.

Day 1: My voice range isn't as narrow as I thought it would be. I need to learn consistency and work on the strength of my voice (it's pretty weak at this point. -_-;;).

Hello, Insomnia

My new best friend.

Remembering

"一度あったことは忘れないものさ思い出せないだけで" (Nothing that happens is ever forgotten, even if you can't remember it) - Spirited Away

I suppose in some ways, this quote can be perceived to mean that all the things that you regret doing will never go away, but I initially saw it as all those good, happy moments that you've shared with someone will always remain, even if you've forgotten them.

I suppose it's way past due, but this is what I think of when I think of you, Yoon. I don't know why it resonated so strongly with me when I saw Spirited Away this time around but that's what I thought of and it made me happy. All those memories we had of which the details I won't ever be able to fully recall, all the random tidbits of conversation, the snapshots of scenes I remember of us spending our time together... the short films of memory... the more I try to remember, the less I seem to recall.

I mean I don't see the quote as any kind of truth, but in a way it's comforting, right? I miss you~

Peace

It's odd because for all the chaos that's in this picture, I feel oddly calmed by this picture. I think it has something to do with the harmony of the colors and the juxtaposition with the chaos and the blank nothingness below. And probably with the cute little animal's facial expression.

I mean if I really wanted to psychoanalyze myself or give it some kind of connection, it probably has to do with all the stuff that's going on in my life. Yet like the animal, even with all that, the animal still looks content. Also, the animal isn't surrounded by chaos but is creating it - I suppose kind of like having a lot of creative energy? I've been feeling that way lately (been wanting to create art, regardless of how bad it is... ^^;;) so I suppose in that way I also can relate. I mean chaos is not necessarily and bad thing and just like how there is a certain artistic balance in the chaotic dream (creative?) bubble, so is there a balance in the chaos called my life.

But in the end, it's just me spouting nonsense.

I just like this picture. It brings me peace. :)

Tickled

I suppose if I had been in any other mood, I would've been thoroughly entertained. Because I was in a pretty bad mood, I was only a little tickled. I don't think that's quite the right word, but I can't think of a better way of expressing it. I suppose mildly entertained would also suffice but I think "tickled" fits the feeling that I have right now. It's like a giggle is brushing against the back of my throat, kind of like the way a nose tickles right before a sneeze.  Only to find to one's dismay, that the sneeze won't come out and one is left off worse than before because one now has this weird feeling in one's nose that should've been purged through a sneeze but was not. I suppose that's kind of how I feel right now 'cept I don't suppose I feel worse off.

At any rate, I bought some wine at the local grocery store and I guess because I had this rebellious I-hate-life-and-everything-in-it and I was only buying wine (like an alchy), I guess I looked suspicious. So, because I was dressed like every other teenager in Seoul (and not like my age group), the checkout person looked at me kind of funny and carded me. ("You look kind of young - I'm going to have to check your ID."). I literally stared at her for like 10 seconds because I didn't understand what she was asking for. Then I started to crack up and told her that I was thankful that she was carding me (because it means I look young). Even thinking about it now, it almost brings a smile to my face. I mean, to be completely honest, I was kind of flattered (especially because I think the drinking age is even younger here - like 20? 19?). At any rate, I suppose looking young has its perks.

I have to say, when you're feeling the shits, life (God?) really has a way of picking you up.

A lot of the times, when a day is going bad, they say it usually gets worse, but I guess it really depends on what you pay attention to and how you take it.

A good meal, some good wine to finish it off, a decent conversation with one of the 'rents and all of a sudden, the world seems like a better place.

Maybe I was just hungry and irritable.

Distractions

Is life about distracting yourself from the mundane? Take away all the things you do on a daily basis - the boring, the same and the repetitive and what are you left with?

Why are people so bored? Why do people want to travel? Why do people want adventure? I don't think I'm the only one that feels this way. For the lack of anything better to do, to think about, people indulge in a variety of activities - whether it be good for them or detrimental to their overall health.

For example, think of women who have a love interest. They obsess about this guy. A lot of times, the guy is only half-assedly interested and shows that he is, but these women and her friends psychoanalyze his every move, action and words, construing and misconstruing it in every single possible way and thinking about every single permutation of what he could possibly be thinking. When in the end, it really is what that book title was about: He's Just Not That Into You. Really. It's ridiculous. But do you suppose it's because they have nothing better or interesting to think about that their conversation ends up revolving around this? Sometimes I feel like a lot of women obsess not because of the object of their obsession as much as a lack of anything else to obsess about. I mean if you have nothing better to do, will you not focus on whatever seems to be the most interesting  at the time?

People who want to travel. They want to get out of that bubble they call everyday life. Is traveling so interesting because it's so different from what their normal lives are? Because it's interesting? Why do people travel? I'm one of the people that fall into this category, I think. Life can be pretty boring. I like traveling because it's interesting. I don't have a particularly boring every day life, but I like traveling for a change of pace and scenery. I like being in a new environment and getting to know the people and area around me. It's different. It's exciting. I like seeing different cultures and the reactions of people to me as a person. I like the transience of traveling. There's less consequence when traveling in the sense that more likely than not, I will never see these people again. A lot of people take this opportunity to be assholes or to do as they please, but for me, it means that I can be totally and completely giving, without having to worry about them coming back to me for favors. This is my irresponsibility speaking because I hate it when people rely on me and ask me for favors. I like helping people, but only when they don't expect me to help. Weird, huh?

Addictions. For me it'd be anime, for others, drugs, for others, sex, yet others, food - the list goes on. Is it to escape reality? Is life really that boring, that unexciting to have to seek these things out, to feel something different? I think what's more difficult to overcome than depression or anger (not that these are easy to overcome - that's a whole other story) is apathy. I mean at least with depression or anger, there is some kind of feeling - if you channel it differently, it can turn into something positive. It's like Newton's laws of motion. If something is moving, at least it can be moved somewhere. With apathy, it isn't moving so to move it requires that much more force. I'm not belittling depression or anger at all because I know how difficult it is to get out of it, it's just that I feel like perhaps it's harder to get someone who's completely inured to feeling to feel again.

Perhaps this is why people seek some kind of stimulation through whatever they're interested or obsessed with.

Is it really just a question of fulfillment? Does it mean that that many people in the world are not finding fulfillment in their lives that they have to find it through some kind of external stimulation? Why is it that people have to feel fulfilled? To what end?

I suppose then we get into that age-old question of "what is the meaning of life?" and all that other stuff. Not something I particularly want to get into at this point. It's just that people obsess. Why? I know right now, it's because I'm bored. So I interest myself with other things. Then I'm not bored and I stop obsessing. So does it really just come down to channeling? To what? Why?

Eh. I need to study. That's life. (But exactly what is life?)

Such is the exploration of these useless things called thoughts.

[edit]

I just realized, what about one's obsession with music or dance? Or the arts? Is it fulfillment or self-expression? When does it matter that it's different? Is this also an exploration of interest and excitement? Is it an expression of the changes/movement in one's life?

Solitude

Solitude: isolation without the desolation

I don't know why I thought of this while I was sleeping (and I actually remembered it!) but I did. I didn't think of the solitude part until later. I remember I was dreaming about something and then all of a sudden, as if to explain the situation (which I no longer remember), "ISOLATION WITHOUT THE DESOLATION" kind of popped into my head. Weird, huh?

 Thought I'd share.

[edit]

From Milan Kundera's Immortality "Solitude: a sweet absence of looks." Out of context, it kind of doesn't make sense but I thought it was interesting that he wrote about the very thing I was thinking about. I wonder if there's some kind of gravitation towards literature that one can relate to? I mean I had no idea that Kundera would write about solitude, but maybe something about the writing style resonated in me that I returned to it (I had started reading it but I started reading a different book so I had put it down).

One of Those Girls

I never knew that I had it in me but I guess if you try hard enough you can.

I was recounting the way I got to know a friend of mine and I realized that that person's image of me is probably the shits. I mean normally, I'm pretty confident about my image with people (I mean I don't know the details, but I'm pretty sure most people think me as friendly, nice and perhaps a little eccentric or at least a little different - though I don't really think I'm all that abnormal - but at least I know they don't have a negative opinion of me). Anyway, I mean there are probably just as many people who have a skewed image of me, but I guess it's just that this time around, I actually care. It kind of sucks. I wonder if a first/second impression is as hard to change as I think it is. I mean, I know I judge by first impressions though I try not to (and by "try" I don't really think I try all that hard unless I have reason to be interested in the person/I want to get to know the person which is pretty rare if I don't have a good first impression of them.......). I mean there are more to people than meets the eye - at least I like to think - but I know a vast majority of the people don't/won't think that way; whatever first impression you give, that's basically the image they have of you. It'll stick. I mean I don't know. I like to think that I'm multi-faceted (there's probably a better word than this...) enough that the first impression of me isn't enough to know who I am but most people don't know that. Is that why I'm so often misunderstood? I mean I suppose I bring that on myself, but I like to think that if a person doesn't take the time to realize that I'm different from whatever first impression they had of me, they aren't really worth the trouble, right? Hm. Perhaps it isn't worth the trouble to try to change this friend's mindset. (Oh the deep, troublesome questions of life)

At any rate, I don't know, I think I've fallen into a category of girls that I thought I would never fall into and in a way, its humiliating. I suppose it's good for my pride since pride is always unnecessary... But still. It kind of sucks. Eh, something else I've learned in life. With this, one grows from the lessons learned, right? Ew. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to learn by doing. It'd just be better for everyone's sake.

Solutions

I hate problems or dilemmas with no solutions.

I don't mean issues that have multiple solutions or other options/routes that can be taken. I mean situations where there is no way to turn it around and no solution can ever be found.

Something that is so irrevocably done that that in and of itself is the solution. I believe in the malleability of results so when the situation becomes one of no solution, if that ending is unfavorable, then suddenly, there is no hope. Is this called regret?

I prefer either the open-ended-there-are-many-solutions-but-no-right-answer-type issues, or the there-is-only-one-right-answer-type situations.

It's unfortunate that some things just cannot be changed or taken back.

Cleaning my room

For me, it seems that cleaning my room really just consists of rearranging my stuff into different piles so I know where things are.

Voilà! Welcome to the organized chaos called my room.

One Piece

Apparently me being into anime seems out of character. Whatever that's supposed to mean.

That aside, I think One Piece is epic. I've only seen a handful of music videos, but this has got to be one of the best ones out there:

Seriously.

And all the heartfelt moments in the music video show how epic One Piece really is. I mean seriously, it's just an anime but Eichiro Oda's so freaking good at drawing out the fullest spectrum of human emotion and sentimentality of moments. His creativity never ceases to amaze me too.

I can and can't wait for this anime to end. It'll take a couple more years though thankfully so I might as well savor what I can while I can. It's like reading a good book. It ends and you can't get over how awesome each moment was. Almost no word, no scene or action is wasted. Everything has meaning and purpose. This is why I like reading and why I love anime. Filter through the bad and find the gems that are worth your time. In a way, it's kind of like friendship too. And life, I guess.

Reading

On a completely different note, I love reading.

It makes me more interesting and it makes my life more colorful. Well, more than colorful, it adds depth and dimension into my life. I suppose to continue with the color analogy, it adds more hues and light. More contrast perhaps? Or less. Either way, it makes it more interesting.

And Murakami, though I don't like that he used a similar protagonist from Norwegian Wood, is still a freaking genius. I wish there was a better way to emphasize his genius. I don't know if it's a matter of translation that makes the way he expresses things so beautiful, but he's just brilliant. He doesn't seem as affected as Kundera too. Kundera strikes me (from the glimpse of him I got in the author's note at the end of The Joke) as the type of guy who in some ways has a stick up his ass (for the lack of a better way of putting it). I mean he's very very precise, which is good but it almost seems in a pretentious no-one-understands-me kind of way. Which I suppose could be taken in a good and a bad way. Eh. He's still one of my favorite authors. Man, with all this good writing, it makes me wonder when I'll be able to read everything that I want to in this world. Heh.

I love the world of books.

Potential

What's the difference between being able to do something and not doing it, and not being able to do something at all?

The obvious difference is that with the former there is the potential of being able to do that something whereas the latter indicates that the opportunity/option was never there to begin with. However, if you really think about it, if you don't do it, what's to say that you really can? I mean aside for the obvious mundane every day things, let's take something more difficult. Getting into law school. Graduating from med school. Becoming good at surfing. Becoming really good at an instrument. Learning a new language. The list goes on. I'm talking about the things that require patience and diligence. The things that you need to work on every day without rest. More and more I realize that in the world of adults, there are many "I can do that, I just don't do it"s and instead of the resigned admitting of "I just can't do it"s. This comes not because of a certain lack in ability as much as a matter of a lack of focus, concentration, patience and the diligence to keep at something. Isn't that essentially what separates the genius/talented from the common population?

I mean there's that stupid quote - something about 1% genius and 99% hard work and I think that hard work is in and of itself a kind of genius or at least a really hard-to-come-by talent.

Is it because it's something that I lack that I see it as valuable?

At any rate, now I think that's the way I'm going to view it. If I say I can do it, I had better prove it. Perhaps it's an age thing, but I think that it's more because I see it happen a lot. And before I would accept it as a truth, but if it doesn't really happen, it isn't, is it? Though on the flip side, I don't think I should judge others for lacking this ability, simply because some people really do see it as a truth - they can do it, they can see themselves doing it, they just don't. There are a multitude of reasons that people don't do things that they could do (and they are very logical reasons too) so in the end, I suppose it really just applies to me.

I wonder if I have it in me to become considerably better at viola. Hm.

Bored with myself

I think I once had an entry about how I bore myself sometimes...

Now is one of those times.

Time

Time just seems to be slipping away. I don't know what it is but I feel like I have no grasp of time whatsoever.

I suppose things are getting better but every time I say that, I backslide. Will I ever have enough time to do everything I want to do?

For some reason the word incessant comes to mind. Not sure what it is... time is very obviously incessant. I suppose it's the constant push of time and the constant reminder that the clock is ticking. It's quite unfortunate really. I wish I could stop time now. At this point in my life. Not everything is perfect. But I like where things are going. Eh. I wonder if it's a fear of the future. Or perhaps things just pass by me too quickly. Hm.

Ah, my close enemy, procrastination

"If you fail to believe you will procrastinate or become idealistic about how awesome you are at working hard and managing your time you never develop a strategy for outmaneuvering your own weakness."

From here.

In other words, I have to learn the fine art of deceiving myself.

Honestly though, to a certain extent, I still think it's laziness and a lack of willpower. I feel like the article just packaged it to seem like it's something else (so that it is somehow more forgivable). Eh. So now I'm motivated again. ^_^ heh~

Oh, and thank you Milan Kundera, I'm back on track with that too. :)

迷った

When I'm about to take that final plunge, I discover that perhaps I'm going the wrong way. There are things that I enjoy but perhaps I'm just trying to become a person that I realistically cannot become. I wonder if I'm just deceiving myself.

あ~~ There's just too much to do and too many things to consider. 自由になりたいけどけっこう難しい。　それにしても、自由は何だ? も~ 知らないよ~

最近

最近、疲れるんだ。　何にもしたくないのさ。　いつも　こうなんだ。　私は変えるかな?　できればいいけど・・・　できないのきがする。　まぁ　いつも こうでしょう?

私の日本語　最低だ。

Who, me?

I feel like there's a pretty big disparity between the way I look and the way I think/act. I'm not sure what it is, but people have told me different things. People's initial impression of me is that I look like I'd be cold or that I seem poised. Someone that wouldn't cry easily. At the least, I don't think people see me as goofy. Or one to like anime.

안 어울린데. Apparently.

Eh. I'm me. Such is life.

I'm lame

If you realize how lame you are... does that make you any cooler for realizing it? -_-;;

Seriously, sometimes I think I'm pretty boring and un-witty. It's quite unfortunate. I wish I were less so. *sigh*~

Ever feel really socially awkward? But if people tell you you're not, does that mean that you're only socially awkward to yourself?

ever just feel content?

I don't mean happy because happiness has the implication of being at a high point and the only direction to go afterwards is down. I'm talking about that feeling of contentment that comes with satisfaction with where your life was, is and is going to be. Things may get bad in the future but that isn't a present concern. It's that feeling when all feels right in the world and it will continue to be. Where you feel like you can truly let tomorrow worry about itself and your whole situation is exactly where you want it to be. You are where you want to be and you couldn't ask to be anywhere different. The music you're listening to contributes to that kind of beauty. The work you're doing, the people you talk to, the people you're surrounded with, just everything around you is good. It isn't perfect in the sense that everything is going perfectly but contentment I feel is what perfection feels like. Just because things aren't perfect, doesn't mean it can't feel perfect. It feels like perfection has been achieved through the situation regardless of how imperfect the actual situation is. There's something beautiful about the moment and it can only be broken through distractions of the mind. But even with those distractions, one can still be content.

Happiness is almost like a mood, it changes when you get bored or angry or distracted. When you're content, you can be content without realizing that you're content. Children are often content and only realize it as adults. A lot of children don't realize how good they actually have it until they become adults. Adults point out how good children have it and don't relish in their situations. Contentment has to do with that relishing. Eating a good, hearty meal with some good conversation, good music in the background and things to think about after. That's contentment to me. Contentment is living a life of thankfulness for everything that you have. Some people have it good, others have it better, others have it bad, yet others have it worse. Contentment perhaps is a relative thing but its finding that era of perfection in your life, holding onto it and trying to sustain it. It's not a moment when the light hits a scene just so that a beauty is captured in a snapshot of one's memory.

Life isn't about snapshots. It's a huge long video. Why would you only want snapshots of happiness? I'd rather a looooong video of pure unadulterated contentment. Is it easy to achieve? Hell no. People make it seems to easy by reducing it into words of "I did this this and this." They can say it was hard, but even that "It was hard." reduces how difficult that journey really is. Contentment isn't about a destination. Life never was, yet people treat it like it is. If you think about it that way, people are really just striving to die. Their destination is death. It's like the stages before death. School. College. Work. Family. Promotion. Kids. Grandkids. Death. Kind of makes you wonder what's the point of it all, doesn't it?

Irritated

Ever realize how little you know of a person?

Or worse, when you realize how little a person knows you? I mean it's fine with people you've just met or people you don't expect to know you, but sometimes, the disappointment of being misunderstood by someone who should've known better is both sad and irritating.

Books

It's weird. I feel like I go through seasons of "intellectual" hunger and then of wanting to only read what's considered to be more superficial reading. At first, I was totally in love with books that had wordplay that would go into the nuances of language and culture with witty and self-deprecating characters (The Elegance of the Hedgehog) but now I'm all for the somewhat deep yet simple plots of The Mysterious Benedict Society. Maybe I just have too much going on in my life.

[edit]
Or perhaps I just needed to get into the swing of things. I still like The Elegance of the Hedgehog I've decided.

Bored at Work

Well really it's writer's block. I can't think of what to write about next and I'm sick and tired of the restriction that I have (I have to use 30 vocabulary words in a page and a half of writing). I mean once you get used to it, it isn't that bad but it's still a mental strain. And for me, it's just getting restrictive and annoying.

And the clock is ticking. I have 7 more stories to write in 2 days (using the last day for revisions). BLEH

Restless. Can't wait to be done working.

My Future?

Travel.
Study.
Work.

GEEZ there's too much going on. Seriously. And what do I do? I do what I do best. Procrastinate. I realized that a lot of the time, I don't really make sense because I'm in my own bubble and I don't know how to explain things to other people. Is that why I like writing so much? It seems that perhaps through writing and constant revision, I can finally get people to understand me.

I wonder if my thoughts are more coherent in writing. Sometimes when I try to do stream of consciousness in a semi-coherent manner, my thoughts and writing pretty much don't make sense, even to me. I suppose I need to work on that.

Literature

I think part of the reason I like reading books that have a different cultural background than America or England is because of the idea of identity. I think that identity is so completely played out at least in the Asian American sense of "I'm neither here nor there, I'm neither white nor fully Asian" blah blah blah.

I think that I like the kind of literature where the cultural aspects are taken for granted (like Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami) because then you get to see the people beyond just the culture and the lens of culture molding the person's entire character. It's about individual struggles just with a slightly different background. I feel like those kind of books are more timeless than those "Who am I? What's my identity?" type of books. But I realized that a lot of these types of books are in translation and so it's obvious that those things are going to be taken for granted. I wonder if a novel by an Asian American where the novel doesn't address identity at all is possible. I'm sure there's good literature out there but I haven't read enough Asian American literature to really know.

At any rate, I like that divorce of culture and identity because even in real life, people look at other people for their culture rather than who they really are. I get bored by that. I mean it's cool learning about different cultures ("How does your country do it?") but there's definitely more to people than their country (or at least I like to think there is, right?). I dunno. What makes a person three-dimensional? Their interests? The quirks in their personality? Our seemingly individual emotions that everyone happens to feel at one time or another? Or are we all just definable by our race, jobs, religion and personality traits that we closely relate to though it doesn't define all of who we are?

"Define yourself in one word." I guess I could, but I prefer not to. "Define yourself in three words." "Happy-go-lucky. Eccentric. At times, boring." I dunno, if you really think about it, no one is what they "define" themselves to be all the time. Right? I can be happy-go-lucky but honestly, the pressures of society are definitely getting to me. It's dumb I think. But I can't help it. So does that make me "serious"? I don't like those associations or being pigeon-holed into such definitions. Break all the boundaries and all the rules, I say! (or try to at least)

Meh.

So it goes.

On a completely different note, I realized that whenever I think to write something (or blog it), it never quite comes out the way I envision it to in my head. It's weird (and annoying) and sometimes I feel like I wrote so much or something at least with a little bit of profundity to find that it's actually quite short and worse, not really all that profound. As it says in Ecclesiastes (I think), "There is nothing new under the sun." I think some author quoted it too. But it's true and sometimes everything I say, though the emotion is new to me, still seems played out in retrospect. That sucks man. I wish I could be more original that I really am.

Meh.

Such is life, I suppose.

Reading

I realized that reading for me is like talking to another person or really just listening to another person tell me a story. There are always different voices and when I start reading a new book, it always takes a page or two (or an entire chapter sometimes) for me to adjust to the author's voice.

I don't think I ever noticed that until relatively recently.

Every time I blog...

So I didn't know that blogger had this feature where you can check the comments that people wrote in the past. It's a good way to see if anyone commented on your blog without having to go through each individual entry. That's always nice. On the other hand, I also realized that I haven't been responding to any of the comments because I kind of didn't know people responded. (sorry).

At any rate, one thing I realized while working at this company is that if I don't like someone, I don't like them for good. My opinion about them completely changes and it's hard for me to fix that. I can be somewhat civil but I'm almost like a time bomb because most likely than not, something that person does will annoy me and I will turn into a cold bitch. It's really terrible. I never had to work with someone I didn't like (usually I was the irresponsible one so people probably hated me instead ^^;; heh~) so now coming into a company where I've come across several people that I don't really like makes working with them quite difficult. I realized though, that perhaps this is what it means to work with people despite personal feelings and what it means to grow up and all that jazz. I never knew I could be so cold-hearted. It's really kind of scary actually. I feel like it's aging me because I'm no longer the positive, outgoing, nice person that I associated myself to be (I don't mean it in a braggy way as much as I thought that I was pretty positive comparatively to a lot of people and I know I'm outgoing and I always thought I was at least a nice person...... -_-;;). I suppose such is not the case. I'm not used to pretending to be one way when I feel another (i.e. not wanting to work with someone shows all over my face at work). Sadly to say, I feel like it happened with my co-worker (who incidentally pretty much got fired) and I feel like to a certain extent it's happening with me and my boss.

I don't hate him or anything like that but I definitely feel like he's pretty irresponsible as a manager and he doesn't know how to schedule/plan. I mean in the end, you work with what you have and I definitely have a lot of respect for him in terms of his marketing strategies and all that, but he really doesn't know how to manage our team and I'm afraid that my attitude shows. I really need to learn to fix my poker face (because I don't have one). Heh. At the same time, I don't want to have to "fix" my poker face. Where did all the purity of my thoughts and feelings go? I'd rather not have to hide my feelings and just be able to come to terms with my boss's working style and just be able to deal. How irritating.

I wonder if getting older just means finding out that you're not the person you thought you were and becoming more aware of your glaring flaws (like how irresponsible I can be). I never knew how irritatingly sensitive I was. It's one of those things where I sit back and go, geez I need to get over myself. I like to think I'm getting better, but who knows.

That aside, I'm almost done with work. I think another month or two, and my boss will let me quit. I kind of blew up on him and I think that it kind of scarred him. ^^;; He kind of looks at me differently. O.o That was probably a bad choice on my part -lesson learned. At least it works in my favor though. Now I can quit without as much resistance and properly prep for grad school.

Oh yes, for the (very) few readers out there, I postponed grad school to work at this company - loved the job at first, still kind of like it but realized that I'm only getting older and need to start on my career path. Hence, I'm quitting and getting ready for grad school. Gonna try to find a BS job where the working hours are strictly 9-5 (or whatever) so I can clock out and study! Or might just do some freelance. Not sure.

Plans to go to Japan in September.

And, to totally brag about my travels, here's my tentative yearly plan:
Feb - Bali for a week
March - Chicago for a week
April - Chicago/Cali for a week (continued from the March trip)
May - SOUTHEAST ASIA BABYYYYY (gonna be backpacking more or less with Peggy <- hs friend :D)
June - Cali (sister's wedding)
Sept - Japan

I want to go to Japan to work but we'll see how that goes.

I CAN'T WAAAAAIT. Gonna be broke as hell in June, but I plan on working my butt of that summer if I can. :)

That startling realization

Ever feel a certain way and then suddenly come to understand that what you're feeling is happiness? or depression? or anger?

I feel like I'm oddly detached from my emotions and I don't realize how deeply something affects me until I sort of do this mental check-up on myself and realize, oh, I'm kind of depressed. Or oh, I guess I'm really stressed out.

I wonder if its the same for other people.

All I know is that I'm tired, and I'm done with working this hard for this company.

I've been trying to write my resignation letter in my head and I can't think of a good enough excuse. "I want to go to grad school." "I want to pursue my dreams of becoming a professor." "My health is suffering because I'm working too much."

Meh.