Influence

Man I hate it when I have something to write about and the moment passes and then I suddenly have less to say. It's like a moment's inspiration is just that - a moment. :\

Lately I've been thinking about the people around me and the influence they've had on me. I realize that as we get older, we have a tendency to surround ourselves with people that think like us - that's a given in a sense, but  it ends up emphasizing the qualities we like about ourselves or (if the whole group is somewhat delusional (to use a strong word)) they become self-righteous. However, I realized lately that a lot of people don't have that much of a choice of who to surround themselves with or sometimes, they just put up with people whose qualities they don't like.

More and more, I realize how easily influenced I am by those around me. Because of this, I realized that I need to be more careful of who I am around and what I am around.

Korean society has influenced me in such a way that I no longer feel like I am a part of the adult population. In part, this has to do with the fact that I have been living with my parents for the past 3 1/2 years and it is not only socially acceptable in Korea, it is the social norm. I see the merits in living with one's parents, and I'm sure there are many many people who are extremely self-sufficient adults who live with their parents but I am not one of those people. I feel like I've become a child again. An overgrown child, but a child nonetheless.

Another factor I think has to do with the fact that I don't have regular working hours. Combined with the fact that I've been constantly told that I'm "young" (though there's the constant reminder that I need to get married), I feel like I can be irresponsible. Or perhaps I'm just not cut out to work from home. :\ Eh.

What's interesting is that there's apparently a phenomenon in our generation called the "Kidult." I've actually never seen this term anywhere (just heard it from a friend) but I completely and totally agree with what the term implies. I feel like I am one of them. I've become irresponsible and lazy. This usually stems from a complete lack of a sense for time and a complete and total lack of motivation. I don't think it has to do with any underlying depression that I'm denying (I do admit I get depressed sometimes) but the simple fact that I don't feel like I've grown up. I don't look that much older in my eyes, I don't have adult interests (politics bore me), and I don't act like an adult, nor is there any real motivation for me to. I mean there are obvious physical differences that come with age but the change is so gradual that it soon becomes part of the fabric of who I define myself to be (which is not an adult).

I like to think that I no longer think like a high schooler but I still like watching cartoons and having the freedom to eat cookies for breakfast (which is a bad idea).  Even when I was working in NY and living more or less on my own, I had a pretty irresponsible lifestyle. I mean granted, I worked out and ate somewhat healthy, if I had an anime I was into, I wouldn't sleep and it would affect my work (it wasn't too bad because I'd usually make up for it by sleeping really early the next day...).

I don't know. Perhaps what it is, is that I feel a discord between my vision of what an adult should be at my age and how I am and how I feel. I wonder if children look at me and think the same thing I did when I was their age. "Wow, they have it all figured out."

Adults don't know jack. That's the conclusion that I've come to as an adult. Yes, wisdom comes with experience and so older people know better. For the most part. But the thing is, just because they were able to get through some kind of experience a certain way, doesn't mean it was the best way or the most efficient way. Do adults really know? Not really. So many theories and approaches are overturned with the next generation. A couple generations ago, the mantra was "work hard." Our generation, it's "be happy." This affects the advice we give to our friends. "Does it make you happy?" "If you're that unhappy, you should just quit."

I was talking about this to a friend and I think it's true. Our generation as lost the true meaning behind happiness. Happiness isn't found by seeking happiness as much as it is found through seeking some kind of fulfillment. I suppose you could say it has to do with finding one's "meaning" in life. This could be religious or whatever but when you're happy with what you're doing - you feel like your life has some kind of meaning behind it (to help people, create new technology, etc.), you find happiness. Our generation out of all others I feel seeks happiness the most out of life and I think in some ways fails the most at it. Some of the happiest people are the poorest or the hardest working or the most diligent. I feel like maybe we've lost that somewhere along the way. We've forgotten that sometimes hard work and hardships are what bring happiness. We start giving excuses like "This does not make me happy" and give up when it gets too hard. I mean the previous generations worked too hard in some ways - probably because they had to. They didn't have the luxury of quitting their jobs. I think we've hit the other extreme. People nowadays still work hard, but I feel like there's so much less of that sense of commitment and that's where we've failed.

Meh. In many ways I'm overgeneralizing and I can actually think of some cases that directly disprove what I'm saying, but I guess I feel like that's the running theme in what I've seen of society (both in Korea and the States).

I guess what it comes down to is influence. People need to be conscious of what they're being influenced by. That's something that I've realized I need to change. I get influenced by just about anything. A good movie. A character I like in an anime. People that annoy me. People who react a certain way in public situations. The public eye. It's so annoying that it's so hard for me to extract myself from those things. And some of it done so unconsciously!

Oh well.  I suppose it's at times like this where a re-evaluation of oneself and one's values is what allows one to really make the changes necessary to stop those influences from taking over, right?

Connections

What are the odds?

I realize that people are much more connected than they think. It's interesting because I mean there are some crazy meetings (meeting a high school friend from California in the streets of NY or running across a college friend from Chicago in Korea, etc.) but in some ways, the odds aren't as low as one would think. I mean if you think about the popular hang-outs in these metropolitan areas, the frequency with which our generation travels and goes to said popular hang-outs, there's actually a pretty high chance of running into someone you know.

At the same time, I realize that I don't treat chance meetings as anything related to fate. If someone comes my way or if I get re-connected with someone, I just look at it as a happy encounter and don't think anything beyond it. Is there supposed to meaning behind every encounter we have? If there is, how are we supposed to treat those strangers we encounter that we actually look at? We see many many people on a daily basis, but I'm talking about those people that you actually notice. I don't think I'm the only one who sees masses of people as a single entity. They may be individuals, but they're individuals that don't mean much to me (though with some people, I really wonder what kinds of lives they lead..). But it's exactly that - those people you notice and wonder about (not the loud annoying ones that cause trouble, but the people that with just one look, you end up thinking about). Is there meaning behind that?

Resonates

I hate it when everything in life seems so depressing. It's weird because I know I'm not depressed, but there are so many things to be depressed about.

Been reading Not For Sale by David Batstone and it's a pretty depressing book. Corrupt government, poverty stricken families, heartless friends and family members, hopeless situations, etc. It's got just about everything depressing that you can find. And this anime I'm watching, Ano Hi Mita Hana no Namae o Bokutachi wa Mada Shiranai (which roughly translates to "we still don't know the name of the flower we saw that day"), is mad depressing. The title sounds kind of corny but it sounds melancholy in Japanese I feel. It's about this group of friends that stopped hanging out after one of their friends died.

I dunno, it's all so sad if you think about it.

Is it because there's so much sadness that I feel like I have to balance it out and be happy?

Eh.

How much would you pay?

If you think about it, it all stems from the legalization of porn and a culture that accepts certain types of sexual behavior. I used to think that people who watched porn and masturbated to it was just a normal, healthy thing for men to do. Why is it that I'm finding from not only churches (who were against it to begin with) but the anti-church liberal side of the spectrum saying similar things? Is it because perhaps there is some truth in the statement that porn is bad?

How is it bad? Little teenagers watch porn. How else are they going to release the sexual tension they build up from the rest of the media that's out there that's encouraging them to have sex at as early of an age as possible? Well, it's when porn starts interfering with people's sex lives. I'm not saying I condone pre-marital sex - I'm against it but I have my reasons for that. Eh, to each their own. I know the statistics for divorce with people who've had multiple sex partners (divorce rate goes up exponentially with increasing number of sexual partners, surprise surprise) and as with other people, I'm entitled to exercise my opinion on the matter. In the end, if people are going to have sex, so be it. The problem is when porn starts to interfere with people having healthy sex lives. Since I'm talking about married people who have this problem, let's use that as an example.

A married couple is very in love with each other. They have a healthy, supportive relationship and for the most part are very happy with each other. However, the man has a problem. He's been watching porn since he was 14 and is used to getting off by watching porn and his right hand. So now when he's with a real woman in bed, he can't perform.

I mean there are differing opinions about this, but this pastor, Mark Gungor, made a good point - if you make it a big enough habit, you can pretty much reprogram your body to respond to only certain kinds of stimuli. I don't understand why this is such a big debate. NO DUH GUYS ARE HAVING PROBLEMS. I mean think about it. Boys start watching porn at as early as 6 (apparently) and let's say your balls drop at around 14. If you start on a habit, conditioning your body to respond to your hand to projected images on a computer screen for several years until starting with real women, what the heck do you think your body's going to do when it comes in contact with real women? What other habits does anyone keep up from 14? I can't think of any except the unhealthy ones I want to stop. When I first heard the whole debate about porn, I didn't it was a big deal. But this is kind of a problem.

This is not a religious thing (just because I heard this habit thing from a pastor means nothing when he's basing his observations on scientific and psychological studies - think Pavlov). In the end, I think this only affects guys who can't get women, choose not to and choose only to watch porn and all this other stuff. Blah blah blah. I mean this is one of the many problems with porn.

Then what's the other problem with porn? It stimulates. Guys have issues getting it up with real women. But for some guys, it turns into a desire to have a women. Because they can't get women, turn to prostitutes. If they get into certain types of porn, they start wanted to do illegal things to women. Some people can't view anything without the lens of porn since apparently every conceivable situation can be turned into a bom-chika-wow-wow situation. So what happens? Oh, look, you can pay a couple thousand bucks to have your own personal sex slave! When you're done them, pay a couple more thousand, get another one! They're so much cheaper than prostitutes and they cost less than woo-ing a chic for a date with only a possibility of getting laid and it's much less effort!

Except they don't want to be there. They thought they were going to get a new job at a company or factory so that they could help feed their family. Or their parents sold them because they come from a poverty-stricken country that can't even afford to feed themselves.

Oh boo-hoo, what a sad story. It doesn't affect me so who cares? What if it does matter? What if it did affect you?

Yeah, sex slavery is a pretty big deal. Does anyone personally know anyone else that has a sex slave? Well obviously not, people know it's illegal. No one's going to go around advertising that they have a sex slave in their home! No one's that stupid. But it exists. Even in the States. Isn't that sad? Go to this website: http://www.slaverymap.org/ I found 2 cases in my neighborhood. In a city that's apparently supposed to be affluent. Where bums aren't allowed to stay in one place for more than a couple nights because of the city's image.

But what about other forms of slavery?

What about the type where young children are forced to work long hours, just so they can eat three meals and live in a small room and get beaten every once in a while? Is that not slavery? Where dogs will attack them if they try to run away?

Would you be happy knowing that something you're eating, wearing or using stemmed from another person's pain and suffering? What if a lot of the products you buy, the products you use, the things you eat are direct results of these slaves working? Yeah child labor was a big deal back in the 90s - Nike apparently used them and Abercrombie apparently used them and now they probably don't. Hopefully. It's a non-issue since then, isn't it? Who cares anyway?

Can you really say who cares? Would you care if your 5-12 year-old child, niece/nephew, cousin, etc. had to do that kind of stuff?

Then the answer becomes "Well there isn't much I can do. That's just the way the world is."

Now there is something you can do. Simply buy an app (http://www.free2work.org/) and check to see how much of the stuff you're going to buy is a result of slave labor. Support companies that don't use slave labor. Don't support companies that use slave labor. It's not that hard. Though sadly, it's kind of hard for me because I'm one of the few people of my generation that doesn't have a smartphone. -_-;;

Y'know what the sad thing is? Making tiny choices to help the environment or the people in the environment makes me feel like I'm saving the world. Sometimes, I wonder what I can do. I have no money, I'm really not much of an activist and I don't volunteer as often as I feel I should.

But these kinds of decisions to help people out - whether it's buying a pair of Toms shoes (which apparently isn't a sound business model from an activist point of view but that's another story) or choosing not to buy certain types of coffee that use slave labor using that handy dandy little app or buying those cute T-shirts at the Not for Sale store. I mean there's a lot more that people can do nowadays... and I mean dude. It's slavery. It was totally supposed to be over in 1865 when Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation. There were supposed to be basic civil rights after the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960s. What the heck, America?

Anyway, if you're interested, check out the Not for Sale website - it probably has more accurate statistics and how you can get involved and all that jazz: http://www.notforsalestore.org/.

Yeah it's a long post, but honestly, slavery seems to be such a dumb, human-induced issue that we need to deal with. Why the heck does it even exist nowadays? It's so stupid. End it and stop people from doing it ever again so we can deal with other issues at hand (like all the people who are dealing with the aftermath of natural disasters).

[edit]

Completely random, but it's interesting how timing with certain things works out, isn't it? I felt so passionless a couple days ago, and now I have something to be passionate about. ^_^ heh~ I hope this lasts. I keep thinking that I'm just little ol' me and I won't be able to do much so I'll just do as much as I can while I still have the motivation so that I can feel like I've helped the world in my own little way. ^^;;

Passion

There are so many things I want to try. To sample. Lifestyles that I want to embody. I want to be so passionate about something that I want to lose myself in it.

Sometimes, I feel like there's nothing.

Nothing.
At.
All.

Most people don't find it. There are societal pressures, family pressures, personal pressures. Things that one fights. Inner battles.

I want to be lost in something that I love.

Downfalls of technology 2

I think that people are stupid.

Programs are stupid too.

Programs created by people are stupid as well.

Why? Because computers, no matter how "well" they're made, crash. It's been 30+ years. Yes, Windows95 is probably when operating systems became a bigger deal so that means it's been 22 years since they still suck at windows. And Apple users still have the beach ball of death so I don't think it makes much of a difference. At any rate, people are dumb. They click on things they're not supposed to and delete things they're not supposed to.

SO FIX IT. I mean dood, if that's what people are going to do, isn't the obvious answer to simply create a "fix-it" program? Windows Vista onwards apparently has something like that but oh, look! Some companies decide to be lazy and conveniently don't give you a Windows Vista CD and now what?

YOU'RE FUCKED.

My computer keeps crashing. Why? Something's wrong with the video card. I can't figure it out. I've downloaded the most updated driver and 3 different version of a beta driver. I'm starting to think it's my CPU that's just overheating my computer (but no, that doesn't make any sense because my computer reboots just fine).

Then what the heck is wrong with the dang thing?! Well I don't know. The only thing I know is that something's wrong, my computer randomly freezes on me, and most likely it's the graphics driver.

I can't fix it.

And I don't have a Windows Vista CD so I can fix it. Stupid Averatec. Stupid Windows.

Maybe I'll go Mac. I don't game anyway........... (but then again, do I really want to go through all the issues w/ software compatibility? -_-;; and the new shortcut keys...)

I hate having to deal with things that are supposed to work that don't. Really.

I mean in the end, if you think about it, it's all a money-making scheme. The only reason they don't fix these stupid things is because if it breaks and there's no real viable solution, people will buy the new version (Windows 7) thinking that it'll somehow magically solve all their problems.

I hate how money is the reason some things that aren't fixed in this world.

Downfalls of technology

It never ceases to amaze me.

I'm irritated because I spent the last half hour working on 4 stories that got erased. "Microsoft Word has stopped working. What would you like to do?"

Didn't even think twice. I had literally seconds before hit Ctrl + S (shortcut key to save the file) so I closed the program.

I open it up and what do I see?

ALL 4 STORIES GONE. I don't even know how far back I have to go and redo my work (as in anything else outside of those 4 stories that I added, I don't know if it properly got saved).

All I know is that I'm irritated as hell at Microsoft Word and my own lack of judgement. The file itself is pretty big. Perhaps I was too hasty in trying to move onto the next step and clicked on the window while it was saving, thus temporarily freezing the program. Hence the error message.

Had I waited, the file would have finished saving and I would've been able to move on with my life.

But no.

I lost it all.

Granted the stories were short (and by short, I mean really short - three of the stories were 8-9 short sentences and the last story a mere 40 sentence story) and easily recalled from memory but it's the principle of the matter.

Irritating as hell. And I blame Microsoft Word. I don't care if there's an autosave function every 5 minutes or so.

If the stupid program crashes, FIX IT. After so many years they still don't seem to have it down.

At times like this, the emoticon for anger seems to so aptly convey how I feel.

>:(