What if it's not enough?

Lately, I feel like the stakes in life have gotten higher. The mistakes I make, the things I do or don't do down to even the events I attend or groups I choose to take part in all seem to make a mark on my future.

One can chalk it up to just stress and age and perhaps a number of other factors, which may or may not be true and beyond that, I think my conclusion is this:

Whatever happens will happen. I just need to do what I've always been doing. So what if the window of opportunity is getting smaller? Or that bigger life decisions are coming up? In the end, I feel like I've always approached life in a manner where I'll end up where I need to be, when I need to and I don't see why that should change now. By putting more pressure on myself, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I just need to be good at what I love and keep loving the people in my life to the best of my ability. There's nothing else I can do, really.

I don't know why I forgot that recently.

And now comes the hard part. Living this philosophy.

Good parenting is...

when your children acknowledge that you've done a good job.

For obvious reasons, this statement has flaws but more and more I realize that I've been blessed with awesome parents. By no means were they perfect nor have they become any closer to it now because they're older (and somehow, we associate age and experience with wisdom...). However, the decisions they made, the type of people they were, they type of people they have become, the experiences they chose to put us kids through (or perhaps there was less choosing and more falling into though..), and the way they raised us helped to form us as people. I see resonances of their philosophies in the way I live my life and I can say that I've picked up some good things from them. I say that my parents did a good job, despite (most likely) being clueless, because I knew I was loved, I knew they were trying, and I knew they listened.

One thing that I've noticed with parents is that children often think their parents can't/don't change but perhaps it has to do with the child's approach to them. The parent-child relationship is always evolving (quite obviously because children grow up and parents age) and sometimes one side or the other doesn't want to or can't seem to acknowledge the change/growth and friction forms, the relationship never grows, or it becomes toxic. I sometimes feel like an anomaly when I realize that my parents treat me like an adult amidst all the people who complain that their parents don't listen or don't acknowledge that they are adults too. So I feel lucky. But I do think that there are a lot of kids whose relationships with their parents have evolved in a good way - perhaps I only hear the complaints because one never does seem to talk about how awesome things are with one's parents (or significant others or friends or anyone of significance, really... the talking usually is about the bad, whether it is to see if there is any advice that can be given or simply to vent.. hm.. I smell another blog post with this one...).

At any rate, I am not a perfect being nor do I claim to be one and there are flaws in all things human. However, I'm glad that I had the parents I did and I'm thankful for what they did for me, especially for instilling me with the values that they have.

Aww, it's too early for either of the parent's day, but I'm just glad they exist. :) I can only hope that I become like them.

I love you, Mom and Dad.

Contrary

Been feeling off all day. My entire existence annoyed me today.

Depressed? Perhaps.

Bad mood? Oh, for sure. And because I was in a bad mood, I didn't want to do anything, which put me in a worse mood because I was being unproductive.

Got some stuff done, talked to the bf (love that he makes me laugh :)), and felt marginally better.

Eh, perhaps sleep will help.

I feel like being dramatic and it annoys me. I'm being meta-dramatic now. Ugh.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Sleep cures all, imo.