Immaturity

The more I write my graduate school applications, the more I realize how immature I am.

I feel like Korea as made me go back about 5 years - to the mindset I had in college. I feel like I have plenty of time, yet know that I don't. I feel younger than I really am. I still live with my parents and I don't want to move out because I no longer care to have the responsibility of being an adult.

I used to be so ready to move out, to take on the world - to cook my own food, make my own money and take care of all those "adult" things. I feel like I've been backsliding, ever since I've moved back with my parents. I feel like I'm trying to swim and keep my head afloat as an "adult" when really, I'm just drowning in my parents' care.

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate how much my parents have done for me. Honestly, I hate that I still have to rely on them for a lot of things. Especially right now because I don't have a steady income. At the same time, there's a certain amount of comfort in being able to rely on them and lean on them for such things. It's fine to ask people for help, but it's rude when you're inconveniencing them.

I realize that I hate inconveniencing people and I hate being inconvenienced.

And of course, I've done it again.  I apply the principles I have for myself and I try to impose them on others. Then I marvel at how rude those people are. That's probably one of the hardest things to get used to - accepting the way people operate because they're simply different. I can accept some random random things that others find to be irritating, but I find myself just as intolerant of other things. I wonder what it is.

I suppose in the end, it really just comes down to accepting a person for who they are, to the fullest extent. Let them be them. One can share ideas and opinions but if they differ, they differ. Our society is obsessed with the idea of a "right" answer and sometimes, there really isn't one. I can say there is but if someone else disagrees and there's no one to say that one is right and the other is wrong, it all just comes down to popular opinion.

For example, who in the world made that stupid rule that brown and black don't match? That's ridiculous. Brown and black exist together everywhere in nature and you never see someone going "Ew, that brown tree bark and black soil just doesn't go together." And nowadays, all those "rules" are being broken.

For a lot of people, absolutes don't exist. For me, they do. Ironically though, I don't see things in black and white. I prefer to see things in a rainbow (and not those cheesy kindergarten rainbows with seven colors). I guess I have absolutes for myself but for others, I see the color. If I don't, I try to see it (but slowly I feel that my world is turning an ugly, ugly gray).

I think I feel so immature because I haven't found a place to stand. I don't want to. Once you find a place to stand, you start planting roots. Then they become your motto or ideal. How things are supposed to be. I've seen and read too many philosophies and "roots" that are flawed. I'm not saying the place I stand has to be perfect. That doesn't matter. It's the aftermath of those roots. The intolerance for things that are "wrong" because they're different. I'm not talking about the obvious - racism, sexism, or any other kind of -ism. I'm talking about the daily clashes that people have with each other because people operate differently. Once you understand that, it honestly becomes hard to stay angry at people. People who get easily irritated at others for doing something stupid say that precisely because they feel that the way they say and do things is right. They surround themselves with people that think the same, solidifying their philosophy. That suddenly becomes a society of people. And now you have a culture.

Personal space.

Standing in line.

Being polite.

Doing a good job on a project.

Things like this are somewhat of a given for me. I hate it when people break these "rules" that I have - yes they are constructed by the societies that I've been surrounded by, but honestly, it's exactly that - a societal construct.

I don't know why I struggle with it so much. I don't agree with the idea of society constructs at all. I like honesty. I wish we could all just be honest. I just feel like as I get older, there are so many games (in the dating world), politics (in the rest of the parts of the adult life) and so many hidden agendas. Why does it have to be like that? It's dumb. I feel like it's this big game of manipulation. How many people can you get on your side so you can be "right" or "popular" or the "next big thing"? Seriously.

I feel like building a self-sustaining mansion in the mountains somewhere and never coming out again.

I've decided for the most part, I don't like people. All people. Even the people I like, I don't like. I don't like them because I like them so much (sorry readers - though honestly, it's really only future me that'll be reading this, I think).

Eh. What a pointless rant. I think I'm just tired, stressed from the mountains of things I have to do and depressed because I feel constricted again. Such is the life of an adult.