Can't help but to...

The phrase implies a lack of control - an impulse - that forces someone to action. Someone is compelled, impelled, propelled in a way where they see no other choice but to do what is stated.

Control is something I fight for, control over my impulses, my desires, and my thoughts. I think that what amazes me and perhaps what fascinates me are people have incredible amounts of self-control. Perhaps I simply lack the discipline, but when someone is able to exhibit great self-control, I internally applaud the person and hold them in secret awe because they are able to achieve something that I so frequently fail to do.

I suppose I am impulsive. It's something that I enjoy about my character because there's a certain amount of fun associated with it. In the end, it isn't healthy, for me and for the other parties involved, if there are any. Usually the only casualty is me.

It's weird, the things I want to do conflict with the things I do, yet when I do the things I want to do, I feel suffocated. I feel like I'm forcing myself to do things that I want to do, when all along, I wanted to do it to begin with. The forcing of myself to do that thing makes me feel like I shouldn't want to do it and thus, I feel restricted, hence the feeling of being trapped. ADHD much? What a troublesome cycle. Am I tricking myself into thinking that I want to do something that I don't want to do? But when I do it, I enjoy it, which means that I want to do it. Then why is it so hard to start? That's where I think I have difficulty. In the starting.

Well, I'm reading a book called Start by Jon Acuff and it's actually quite helpful in all this. ^^ I want to be awesome. I am choosing the road to awesome and I am starting now. (Well, really I started yesterday) but I will continue to start. Of course I would imagine it to mean less for someone who has not read the book, but that's pretty much the whole premise (at least up to chapter 4)...

All, that, just because I wanted to talk about getting lost in a book (but in putting what I tried to capture at the moment at the end of this blog entry does it no justice. I will create another entry for it).