I have a temper

I don't think I'm as easy-going as I come off. I've heard people tell me that I'm happy-go-lucky, easy-going, free-spirited or to put it in a negative light, that I'm irresponsible and kind of thoughtless (though that's more of a personal realization than anything else).

I realize that each time I decide to let things go or choose to go with the flow. It's a conscious decision and not something that's built into my personality. I think at some point in my life or perhaps at various points (I think it's the latter), I realized that certain things weren't worth holding onto.

I suppose I could trace it to various childhood, adolescent, teen, college, or young adult experiences that led to such changes in personality, but for now, I want to talk about how certain experiences bring out what seems to be the true me.

I have little patience (something else that I've kind of known about myself but recently has become more apparent).

When my patience runs out, I get very very very angry. Perhaps not to the point of seeing red (thankfully no situation has ever occurred for that to happen) but definitely to the point of doing something irrational.

I'm currently in a situation where I'm teaching. One of the students seems to have some form of ADD (even ADHD, maybe - but this is perhaps because I think I have a mild form and I see similar symptoms in him... I could be wrong) as well as some authority issues - not in a bad way, but he doesn't seem to realize that he's undermining authority in a way that will cause chaos in the classroom. "Oh, I can get away with this? Then what about this, this, and this?" And then the whole classroom decides that they don't need to follow the rules. That's the kind of student he is. Yet, you can tell a lot of it is without malice. At least that's the way it seems. I do have to call him out and tell him to chill out, be quiet, stay focused, etc., but he tries with his classwork and I see it.

Today, I completely lost my temper. Had he questioned my authority then, I probably would've gotten up and punched him. That was the first thing that came to mind. Thankfully he didn't question and simply did as I asked because I was ready to not even punch him but probably to beat him up. I suppose I could attribute my anger to hunger or something as simple as stress and a build-up of various factors, but the point is, I got uncontrollably mad.

This is dangerous because this means that I have an uncontrollable temper and it also means that I can get angry to that point. This is also dangerous because I don't know how to handle such anger.

I don't remember the last time I got that angry. I want to say it was in high school for something that I felt was unjust (and thinking about it now, it seems stupid but my expectation was high and the result was unfortunately negative, which caused a more severe action).

Anyway, I really hope it doesn't happen again or that I'm in a place that I am able to diffuse it properly. As it only happens once every 15 years or so, I think I'll be okay. *hopefully* when (if only I could say "if"...) it happens again, I'll be older and wiser (and better able to control my actions). ^^